IMOTHERAND 



P. 





Class Ql — 

Book_ 

Copyright^ 



COPYRIGHT DEPOSIT. 



MOTHER AND DAUGHTER 



MOTHER AND 
DAUGHTER 

A Book of Ideals for Girls 

BY 

Mrs. BURTON CHANCE 




NEW YORK 
THE CENTURY CO. 

1910 









^ 

D c* 



Copyright, 1910, by 
The Century Co. 



Published, October, 1910 



J, F. TAPLEY CO. 

NEW YORK 



5) CI. A 2 7 3 9 1 2 



To My Daughters 





CONTENTS 




CHAPTER 


PAGE 


I. 


The Relation of Mother and 




Daughter 


1 


[I. 


Health of Body 


15 


III. 


Health of Mind 


35 


IV. 


Character-building . 


47 


V. 


Indifference 


67 


VI. 


Example 


79 


VII. 


•The School Girl 


93 


VIII. 


Boy and Girl . 


107 


IX. 


Energy 


129 


X. 


Your Friend 


145 


XI. 


The Happiness of Others . 


161 


XII. 


Religion 


173 


XIII. 


Self-control 


189 


XIV. 


Responsibility 


203 


XV. 


Cultivation 


219 


XVI. 


The Working -girl 


231 


XVII. 


The Unmarried Woman 


245 



XVIII. The Characteristics Man. admires 
and wishes to find in Woman 



261 



XIX. The Dawn of Womanhood 



27/ 



THE RELATION OF MOTHER AND 
DAUGHTER 



'If I should drown in the deepest sea 
I know whose voice would come dovm to me 
O! Mother o' mine, 01 Mother o' mine. 

If I should hang on the highest hill 

I know whose love would come up to me still 

O! Mother o' mine, 01 Mother o 3 mine. 

If I should be damned both body and soul 
I know whose prayers would make me whole 
O! Mother o 9 mine, 01 Mother o' mine" 

— Kipling. 



" The five-fingered leaf, closely bound in the bud, 
separates as it opens. The branches separate from 
the trunk as the trees grow. But this legitimate sepa- 
ration does not mean disconnection. The tree is as 
much one tree as if it grew in a strait- jacket. All 
growth must ividen and diverge. If natural growth 
is checked disease must follow. If allowed, health 
and beauty and happiness accompany it." 

— Charlotte Perkins Gilman. 



MOTHER AND DAUGHTER 




THE RELATION OF MOTHER AND DAUGHTER 

)NE would think that the 
most natural thing in the 
world would be for a mother 
I to understand her daughter. 
On the contrary it is one of 
the rarest things to meet with a mother and 
daughter, who, while living under the same 
roof are in sympathetic accord one with 
another. 

I may be wrong, but I feel that in every 
case^ where perfect sympathy does exist be- 
tween a girl of sixteen and her mother, it 
is either because the girl is not destined to 
become a forceful character in later years, 
and is dominated by the stronger personality ; 
or else that it is the mother, who, weak and 
inefficient, has not exerted to the full her 
[3] 



MOTHER AND DAUGHTER 

influence at that trying time. There may 
be exceptions in plenty to this rule, but it 
sesms to me that there is bound to be some 
little friction between a mother who is force- 
ful and a daughter who has a, decided char- 
acter at the time when the child is begin- 
ning to grow up. 

And there is ever^ reason why this should 
be, if we look at the situation calmly and 
try to understand it. How is a child to 
develop who is dominated and influenced en- 
tirely by an older mind, even though it be 
her mother's? There must be a breaking 
away, a desire for independence, and a fight- 
ing for it before the young nature can be- 
gin to unfold its sleeping flowers. There 
can be no strength without personal effort. 
Everything that is worth while must be 
striven for. At the critical age of dawning 
personal life in her child it is impossible for 
the mother to be strong and vital herself 
and still at all times sympathetic. There 
must be friction and unhappiness of one kind 
or another though usually it is only super- 
[4] ' 



MOTHER AND DAUGHTER 

ficial. Nature has ordained, for a short 
time, that the two shall pull different ways. 
Nor is this strange. It is the very pulling 
in different ways that urges the younger 
soul on to individual growth, and forces it 
to find its mate. Thus nature, by the situ- 
ation she has herself created, brings about 
her own results. 

Do not think that I am encouraging in- 
subordination in young girls. Nothing 
could be further from my thoughts. What 
I wish to show, is, that there is a natural 
reason for the situation which so many girls 
meet with in their lives, and, by explaining 
it, urge upon them the utmost patience, self- 
restraint and unfailing loyalty to their 
mothers, whose suffering they will never 
know until they have tasted it themselves. 

A girl can never realize her mother's po- 
sition until she has children of her own. 
She then sees her girlhood in its proper 
light, and understands for the first time 
what a trial and disappointment she has 
been to her mother just at the very time 

i « ] 



MOTHER AND DAUGHTER 

when sympathy, if it could have been shown, 
would have overcome so many difficulties in 
the paths of both. With the perspective on 
her own life, gained alone through marriage, 
the daughter opens her heart to her mother 
in a way she never could before, and under- 
stands for the first time the hours of suffer- 
ing and disappointment brought to that 
mother through herself. Only when she be- 
gins to lead her own life, and is trans- 
planted to the soil her nature needs for its 
true growth, can the way open for a beauti- 
ful and sympathetic understanding between 
the two. All the trifles over which it was 
so easy to disagree while in the same house, 
are* forgotten. Only the good in each char- 
acter is open to the other's gaze. The good 
was always there, but the circumstances of 
a too-intimate home life crowded it to one 
side, or rather covered it with a network 
of little grievances, little disappointments, 
little personal trials, suffered daily by the 
one at the hands of the other. It is when 
the daughter marriesi and has begun to real- 
[6] 



MOTHER AND DAUGHTER 

ize her coveted personal independence, gain- 
ing a development which it was impossible 
to reach at her mother's side, that the ideal 
relationship, which is a strong, equal and 
sympathetic friendship between the two, can 
be accomplished. This friendship supports 
them until death, and is one of the strong- 
est of human ties. The seed of it was there 
in girlhood and grew in the very contention 
that seemed then to be so useless. 

There is a strange characteristic very 
strongly marked in the girl of sixteen — 
strange because it is a kind of hallucination 
for which there is absolutely no foundation. 
She is under the impression that she is ex- 
periencing feelings and emotions never ex- 
perienced by anyone before, that her 
thoughts, her feelings, her ambitions, her 
hopes and aspirations are all unique. She 
imagines that her mother, hopelessly with- 
out the magic ring, is an alien of the worst 
type. How much easier it would make 
things all around if she would but realize 
that what she is going through is the com- 
[73 



MOTHER AND DAUGHTER 

mon experience of every human soul. That 
that mother who " knows nothing " and isi 
so hopelessly outside her new thoughts has 
had exactly the same experience in her youth, 
and her mother before her. The situation 
is perfectly easy to explain, all along nat- 
ural and simple lines — if only she could 
bring herself to see through, behind, and 
around the unfortunate hallucination that 
her experiences are peculiar to herself. 
Mothers, by the bye, understand a great 
deal more than they are given credit for, 
and have a good many quiet smiles over the 
impenetrable reserve of the important young 
persons who find it so hard at this time in 
their lives to see further than their own 
noses. 

The mother understands quite well all that 
is going on. She knows that the rampant 
energies, fancied importance, and but half- 
subdued emotions in her child must all be 
toned down by endless knocks and disap- 
pointments. She knows too, if she is wise, 
that upon this very exuberance, this en- 
[8] 



MOTHER AND DAUGHTER 

thusiasm, this strange hallucination itself, 
will grow all that will make her child a 
woman of strength and personal might in 
her maturity. 

But who can tell what the mother suffers 
even if she is wise and understands? The 
disappointments endured in silence by moth- 
ers who feel themselves powerless to, influence 
their children for the good they long to see 
them imitate, are, I suppose, among the 
greatest disappointments of the world. 
What mother but has dreamed great dreams 
of glory for her children only to wake up 
to their growing and inconquerable imper- 
fections. Too often the mother sees little 
but the worst side of her children and must 
sit still in bitterness, thwarted and disap- 
pointed at every turn. 

There is an underlying trait of jealousy 
in woman, hide it as she may, and there is 
a poignant sting in every mother's heart 
when she realizes for the first time that her 
child has made the mysterious change from 
childhood to womanhood and is touched for 
[9] 



MOTHER AND DAUGHTER 

all time with the chrism of individual life. 
Whither has the affectionate, docile? little 
girl gone? Who is this wayward, impetu- 
ous, young woman in her stead? There is 
not a word spoken, but the mother knows. 
The earnest defiant little person at her side 
has begun her pilgrimage toward that prom- 
ised land where she goes to seek her personal 
development in the way God has opened to 
her through her spiritual gifts. She goes 
alone, for the path leads directly away from 
her mother's side. The mother in her trial 
and uncertainty waits and grieves alone. 

How could she feel otherwise than sad, 
and perhaps just a little defiant as well? 
Is she not at the very height of her own 
development, every trait strongly marked, 
every faculty awake? Life has softened 
her, experience has trained her. She is just 
realizing to the full the incoming of the 
gifts of character and control for which she 
has struggled for years. It is no easy mat- 
ter to abdicate before the advance of the 
^ounger life. In her heart she feels that 

[lo] 



MOTHER AND DAUGHTER 

she is just entering into close quarters with 
life and just learning to give and receive 
of its bounty. To step aside now, with her 
whole nature aglow with healthy maturity, 
is hard. It would be strange if the over- 
tones of jealousy were not sometimes heard. 
She would be the last one to admit it, but 
the very wish to " be like sisters n gives 
away the secret. A mother can not be a 
sister to her daughter at this stage in their 
development. She must wait until the 
green grape is beginning to blush, and with 
the first tinge of scarlet on its cheek will 
come an appreciation of herself hitherto im- 
possible and unguessed. 

The mother, too, must have patience, for 
without it she will never win her daughter's 
true allegiance. Intolerance is one of the 
strongest traits in a girl of sixteen. She 
does not want to wait for things to happen. 
She must hurry on to meet her problems 
and catch up to events before their hour 
is struck. This intolerance, this nervous 
impatience is hard for the mother to bear 

[ii] 



MOTHER AND DAUGHTER 

without infinite sympathy and patience. 
She must have faith as well, faith in the 
principles she has herself inculcated during 
childhood. The roots are there, and the 
contests of life will bring forth the blos- 
soms. The very intolerance she can hardly 
bring herself to bear, is, as it were, the 
dynamo from which is generated all the 
power to lift her child eventually to higher 
things. It is true that 1 her energies are un- 
tamed, her enthusiasms unbridled, her ef- 
forts usually ill-directed, but it is the raw 
material of her whole life waiting in lavish 
abundance to be put in shape for useful ends. 
If the mother can only bring herself to, look 
upon these crudities of the child's nature 
exhibited often so painfully in her sixteenth 
year, as the basis of all her future charac- 
teristics, and bear with them and train them, 
that they may come to their usefulness un- 
hurt, many bitter words would remain un- 
spoken and many trivial faults be over- 
looked. The end is so great, that a noble 
woman may be formed; present grievances 
[12] 



MOTHER AND DAUGHTER 

so small, centered usually only on the per- 
sonal wound and selfish disappointment of 
the moment. 

And now a word to you, at sixteen, about 
whom I have said so much, and to whom I 
have as yet said nothing direct. You can 
not be too considerate of your mother. You 
can not show her enough love. She is not 
pulling against you with the intention of 
thwarting you and spoiling your fun. She 
is thinking day and night of your develop- 
ment and how she can help you to be a good 
woman, fit you to love a noble man and 
bring healthy children into the world. She 
wants to protect you from foolishness, that 
committed in ignorance, might unfit you 
for this high vocation. She tries to direct 
you to this end, that you may save the very 
best that is in you for use in the future and 
for the making of the next generation. To 
pull against her now, thoughtlessly, may be 
to endanger your own happiness forever. 
Try to think that what she does is right. 
You must never speak to her with harshness 

[is] 



MOTHER AND DAUGHTER 

however you may be provoked. Respect 
and courtesy are her due, and if you fail 
to give it, you will in the end find yourself 
to be the greater loser, for you will have 
undermined what should be one of the 
strongest traits in your character, respect 
for those older than yourself. You may 
think that you are misunderstood, unneces*- 
sarily tried, imposed upon, even neglected; 
all the greater reason for you to bear your 
trials with patience and self-control! By 
sweetness, loyalty, and love you will be able 
to repay your mother for the many sacri- 
fices she has made for you. It will not 
hurt you to show the affection I know you 
feel. Do not be ashamed of it, but lay it 
prodigally at her feet. If trials come, try 
to forget and always be the first one to 
show that you have forgotten. Little mis- 
understandings will soon disappear, and you 
will have nothing with which to reproach 
yourself when in years to come you are 
alone. 

[14] 



II 

HEALTH OF BODY 



" The old word for e holy 9 in the Gerrncm language 
also means l healthy! and in our own, ' hale! ' whole, 9 
and ' holy ' are from the same root, Carlyle says that 
you could not get any better definition of what holy 
really is than ' healthy — completely healthy! " 



" Health is not merely freedom from bodily pain; 
it is the capability of receiving pleasure from all sur- 
rounding things, and from the employment of all our 
faculties!' 

— Rev. E. J. Hardy. 



II 



HEALTH OF BODY 




ERBERT SPENCER says 
that the foundation of suc- 
cess is to be a good animal. 
Unromantic as this sounds , 
to be a good animal is to 
have the point of view of health, and this 
is one of the first necessities of an effectual 
life. 

Have you ever thought that all you love 
and prize in yourself is made known to you 
through the agencies of the body? That 
your feelings, ideas, emotions, are all the 
direct result of bodily conditions? Mysteri- 
ously the dull words blood, rrmscle, nerve, 
change and acquire ethical significance. In 
the twinkling of an eye they become 
thoughts, passions, words! 

We cannot afford to disregard the body. 
[17] 



MOTHER AND DAUGHTER 

To hurt it is to hurt also the mind and soul 
imprisoned within it. To disregard it is to 
wound the impetuous young forces of the 
mind, and the strong fruitful forces of the 
soul. 

The body is a faithful and patient serv- 
ant, but how instantly it withdraws its alle- 
giance, quick to feel the insult of neglect ! 
Unfortunately, however we may try to win 
it back, it never comes with quite the same 
enthusiasm to work on our behalf. 

Health should be the foundation stone on 
which the whole construction of character is 
built, and beauty of soul and mind should 
unfold naturally from the sweet background 
of bodily strength. 

It is particularly necessary for woman to 
be strong. More and more is demanded of 
her every year, and as her fields of interest 
and work widen she finds she has not 
strength to meet the new demands. The 
wife is often a wage-earner, but the finan- 
cial stress of the age must be borne by her 
whether she is a money-getter or a money- 
[18] 



HEALTH OF BODY 

spender. Woman, to-day, must work 
whether she is rich or poor, and she cannot 
stand up against the complex demands of 
the age unless she has physical health. To 
guard and sustain this blessing she must be- 
gin as a schoolgirl and learn to understand 
her body and the part it plays in her future 
happiness, and in all that is peculiarly her 
own in life. 

One of the strangest things about girls 
(and I am sure you will admit that I am 
right) is that they do think so little of the 
practical side of that future of which in 
dreams they see so much. When they are 
begged to do this, they turn quickly away, 
saying, " I don't care," or " Please don't 
bother me." Is not this true? Yet, in girl- 
hood, the body is being formed to carry out 
the wonderful destiny of womanhood, which 
is to bear and rear children, and without a 
strong body this task is full of suffering. 
How few girls think of this when they wear 
high heels, lace in their waists, and ruin their 
digestions by imprgper eating! 
[19] 



MOTHER AND DAUGHTER 

First to bear children, and then to bring 
them up fittingly, is the high destiny to 
which woman is called as the mother of the 
human race. It is for this reason, before 
all others, that she must be strong. No en- 
vironment is worse for children than a home 
governed by a nervous, highly-excitable and 
uncontrolled mother. These attributes, it is 
only fair to say, are usually the direct re* 
suit of ill health. The chief characteristics 
of the strong normal mother are patience, 
sweet kindness, and physical endurance. 

Though these qualities may be cultivated 
by a delicate woman, her struggles with ill 
health, together with the! burdens of mother- 
hood, usually combine to make the task im- 
possible. When the body is vigorous the 
nerves are likely to be controlled. The mind 
will be clear, the will firm, and the faults of 
temperament greatly held in check. If only 
girls would realize all this, that their men- 
tal and personal development, their happi- 
ness and future are all dependent upon the 
quality of their physical strength, how dif- 
[20] 



HEALTH OF BODY 

ferently would they live their lives between 
ten and twenty, and how attentive they 
would be to details that now they despise 
or overlook. 

T It is innate in girls to wish to be attrac- 
tive — and an attraction that lasts is abso- 
lutely dependent upon health; the kind of 
beauty that has something to show at 
thirty-five is built upon health and can have 
no other foundation. If you would be strong, 
and fit yourself to lead the best kind of ex- 
istence, watch over the details of your life. 
Take exercise, sleep in a well-aired room, 
eat wholesomely and never between meals, 
and take regular exercise every day of your 
life. Do not overlook the daily bath, for 
you cannot develop healthily without it. 
Wear well-made, but comfortably made, 
clothes, and learn how to breathe and stand 
correctly. 

And what does it mean to a woman to be 
delicate, excitable and nervously uncon- 
trolled? It means, before all else, that she 
will be a burden upon some stronger person 
[21] 



MOTHER AND DAUGHTER 

all her life. As a girl, a problem to her par- 
ents; as a wife, a stumbling-block in the 
way of her husband's progress. She will be 
unequal to the task of directing her chil- 
dren's lives. They will feel her nervous irri- 
tability and suffer from it. If she is un- 
married, what does the future hold for her 
but a narrow outlook bounded on all sides 
by the limitations of physical suffering? At 
all the various crises of her life, the delicate 
woman is forced to step aside. Just when 
her strength is of the utmost importance to 
those who depend upon her, she feels it ebb 
away. Now of course upon many women, 
even from girlhood, the trial of ill-health is 
laid for some higher purpose, to be borne 
cheerfully, perhaps to be the means of a 
needed inner development. Nevertheless it 
is everyone's duty to be strong, if self-con- 
trol and a patient study of the laws of 
health allow it. Ill-health is the greatest 
possible handicap to an effectual life, and 
from the moment the girl realizes this, and 
appreciates what a factor in her future a 

[22] 



HEALTH OF BODY 

strong body will be, she should strive every 
day of her life to strengthen, develop, and 
improve her health. Let us look at a few of 
the practical ways in which she can do this. 
Sleep and exercise are the foundations of 
general health. A schoolgirl should have 
nine or ten hours of sleep, and walk at least 
a mile daily, — if possible a great deal more. 
Naps are unwise. They are fattening, un- 
refreshing, and disturb the rest at night. It 
is important to ventilate the sleeping-room 
even in winter. Fresh air is necessary to 
health. It is said that every human being 
consumes six hundred cubic feet of air an 
hour! It is hard while studying or during 
any of the crowded occupations of the day 
to obtain this, but at night everyone can se- 
cure it by throwing open the windows and 
learning to sleep as much in the open air as 
possible. This must be done with common 
sense, of course, the bed carefully placed 
out of the draught, and plenty of warm cov- 
ering provided to avoid the possibility of be- 
coming chilled in the early morning. One 
[23] 



MOTHER AND DAUGHTER 

of the most common expressions of ignor- 
ance is found in the fear of fresh air. Fresh 
air never yet hurt anyone, and is the great- 
est preventive of disease we know. Protec- 
tion from cold and plenty of fresh air is the 
most healthful combination we have yet dis- 
covered to maintain health and ward off 
disease. 

I know how hard it is to get up enough 
enthusiasm and interest to take regular ex- 
ercise in one's room morning and evening. 
Yet this is an invaluable habit to form, par- 
ticularly if such exercises are the prepara- 
tion for a day of study and indoor work. 
Many girls find it almost impossible to 
overcome the sluggishness of the body when 
it is time to get up. They feel as if every 
muscle was weighted down, and to rise be- 
comes a matter so difficult that it can only 
be accomplished after repeated efforts. 
Here the will must take a part, and insist 
that the body obey it. A few exercises 
taken immediately upon rising will do won- 
ders for this sluggishness by starting the 



HEALTH OF BODY 

circulation of the blood, invigorating and 
helping the body in its preparation to meet 
the work of the day, I will mention three 
simple exercises that can be taken in the 
early morning occupying only a very few 
moments, yet accomplishing immediately the 
needed reaction. (1) Stand straight, head 
up, heels together, hands lightly placed on 
hips. Then bend your body slowly back- 
ward and forward as far as you are able 
to — <also sidewise. Repeat this exercise 
as often as you can without feeling fa- 
tigued. 

(2) Stand straight, head up, heels to- 
gether, hands hanging down. Begin to 
raise your hands, slowly, drawing in your 
breath as you do so. When your lungs are 
quite inflated, your hands should be touch- 
ing above your head. Hold the position an 
instant, and then slowly lower the hands 
and let out the breath. This exercise re- 
quires practice, and is only effective when 
the drawing in and letting out of the breath 
is done very, very slowly. It is a splendid 
[8*1 



MOTHER AND DAUGHTER 

chest developer, and is made even more ben- 
eficial by slowly rising on your toes at the 
same time as you draw in your breath and 
raise your arms. It is a beautiful exercise 
when done gracefully and with balance. 

(3) Raise your arms straight above your 
head, taking a deep breath, and then bend 
downward at the waist, knees stiff, until 
your fingers touch the floor. This is a rather 
difficult exercise, but after a little practice 
is very invigorating. 

Indian clubs and dumb-bells make exer- 
cising in one's room, of course, much more 
interesting, but to use them efficiently one 
must first have been taught how. These 
other exercises which consist of the simplest 
bodily movements can be done by any one, 
and will be found of great value to the 
schoolgirl who finds it " so hard to wake 
up » 

When you come back from school or work, 

or as soon as you are released from a period 

of study, make for the fresh air # Open the 

nearest window and breathe deeply several 

[26] 



HEALTH OF BODY 

times, holding your breath at its highest 
point and then letting it out slowly. Your 
nerves and muscles will be sadly in need of 
this little relaxation. Do not defraud them 
of their right to the life-giving properties 
of fresh air by standing with a crowd of 
other girls around a fire or register! The 
quickest way to get warm is to start the blood 
circulating briskly. A run in the open, or 
a breath or two of fresh air at a window 
will accomplish this result in no time. 

At night, take a few more of the same 
simple bodily exercises in order to relax your 
tired nerves and muscles. These, followed 
by a long night's rest with windows wide 
open and plenty of warm covering should 
help you to regain your freshness and 
strength for the next day. If the school- 
girl, weary and overworked as she often is 
at the end of the day, would only follow 
these simple suggestions, she need never 
know the misery of headache, nervousness, a 
tired feeling all day in her limbs, or the lack 
of circulation which makes her chilly most 
[27] 



MOTHER AND DAUGHTER 

of the time. More fresh air is what she 
needs, and a more vigorous use of the body 
between working hours. 

And what about the daily walk? I have 
not as yet said a word about its importance. 
There is probably no exercise which is better 
for the human body than a brisk walk. Try 
to make this also a habit. An hour in the 
afternoon given to walking, if possible in the 
country, or in a park, if the country is in- 
accessible, will do wonders in fitting the 
body to meet the difficulties and exactions 
of the coming day. Sometimes several girls 
can arrange to take their afternoon ramble 
together. Such an arrangement robs the 
walk of its loneliness and makes it profitable 
in more ways than that of mere exercise. 
Remember, that if you feel tired after a 
day's work it is not bodily weariness but 
mental weariness that you are experiencing. 
To maintain the balance, and correct the 
overwork of one part of the body which has 
been accomplished at the expense of the 
other, nothing is better than a brisk walk in 
[28] 



HEALTH OF BODY 

the fresh air, close, if possible, to the beau- 
ties of nature. r 

The daily bath comes next in importance 
to sleep and exercise in our efforts to be 
strong. It is hard to imagine a state of per- 
fect health without a daily bath, the secre- 
tions of the human body are so impure, and 
the need for their removal from the pores so 
necessary. A bacteriologic examination of 
underclothing that has been worn next the 
body for three days shows microbes and 
germs so multiplied that they cannot be 
separated or counted. Clean clothes and a 
daily bath are necessary to preserve health. 
But what did people do in olden times, you 
ask, when there were no bath tubs and few 
changes of clothing? People were most par- 
ticular about their " linen " in times past, 
much more so, probably, than they are to- 
day. Labor was cheap, and the family wash 
was a thing of beauty rather than of terror. 
Water was carried twice a day to all the 
bedrooms, and I should not be surprised to 
leam that there were quite as many baths 



MOTHER AND DAUGHTER 

taken then as now, even without the delights 
of the porcelain tub of to-day ! There was 
also a far more scrupulous cleanliness in all 
domestic matters, and we must realize that 
the higher the civilization the more diseases 
there always are to contend with and en- 
deavor to overcome. The higher our civili- 
zation and the more complex our life, the 
greater must be our efforts to preserve 
health, for with our added blessings, comes 
also a multiplication of our dangers. 

Therefore, do not be discouraged if you 
cannot have a full plunge bath every morn- 
ing. Remember that your dainty great- 
grandmother, with her apple cheeks and lav- 
ender-scented linen, had to content herself 
through a busy active life with only a pail 
of water, several towels, a sponge, perhaps, 
and a cake of home-made soap for her morn- 
ing bath! It is quite possible to be ex- 
quisitely clean with only these ! . But you 
will probably have a nice warm bathroom, a 
pretty glistening tub, any number of 
sponges and deliciously scented soap! !A11 
[SO] 



HEALTH OF BODY 

1 can say is to reiterate, use them, use 
them! 

A cold plunge every morning, followed by 
a brisk rubbing down with a turkish towel 
is one of the most valuable tonics the body 
can receive. Strange indeed if, after such 
a start, you should be troubled with a head- 
ache. If you cannot bear the cold bath, do 
not omit the cold sponge after your warm 
bath, for to start a hard day's work before 
the debilitating effects of a hot bath have 
worn away, is to lay the foundation for 
headache, backache, and general laziness. 

I think every girl can teach herself to 
take a cold bath by beginning with the cold 
sponge and gradually accustoming herself 
to the shock. Women who make cold bath- 
ing a daily practice harden and strengthen 
themselves wonderfully. 

You must omit sweets, hot bread and rich 
food from your daily meals if you want to 
be pretty, for at this age of your life, neither 
your complexion nor your figure will stand 
any other treatment. An occasional indul- 
[31] 



MOTHER AND DAUGHTER 

gence does no harm, but as a rule, the 
plainer your food the better looking you 
will be. A careful diet is most important for 
the schoolgirl, who cannot study if she is 
over-fed or improperly nourished. You can 
always tell the girl who eats too much and 
imprudently. She is sallow, sleepy-looking, 
the whites of her eyes are not clear, and she 
is usually too fat. Her complexion is bad, 
she has headaches and cannot walk fast or 
enjoy any vigorous form of sport. She is 
laying the foundation for a womanhood of 
semi-invalidism, but she goes on probably 
without realizing it — a slave to habit, and 
ignorant of the irreparable wrong she is do- 
ing her body. Eat plenty, but of simple food. 
Drink four or five glasses of water daily 
(not ice water) between meals. Nothing will 
be better for you than this. Do not eat 
candy, cake, or hot bread except on rare oc- 
casions, and never eat more than you want 
because a thing " tastes good." Your di- 
gestion will not endure being taxed in girl- 
hood. If you are intelligent and understand 
its limitations, and do not push it to do 
[32] 



HEALTH OF BODY 

harder work than it is fitted for at this un- 
formed stage of its development, you will be 
establishing its strength for life and prepar- 
ing in it a strong power of resistance, a 
force that will be of the greatest value to 
you in middle age, when your activities be- 
gin to flag, and you will be most in need of 
the comfort and satisfaction of a good 
digestion, 

" The body is the boat which the real man 
rows across the bay of time. 55 In the light 
of this interesting comparison we can easily 
see how important it is for the boat to be 
well built, and kept in good condition. Oth- 
erwise, what happens to the real man? His 
progress is impeded, his efforts paralyzed, 
his very life endangered. Let us think of 
ourselves in this important capacity and do 
our utmost so to keep the boat that it may 
not be a hindrance but a help to the real 
man who is spending every energy to work 
against the varying currents of the great 
river he must cross, so that finally he may 
reach its opposite bank in safety. 

[S3] 



ni 

HEALTH OF MIND 



"Every man is the builder of a temple, called his 
body, to the God he worships, after a style purely his 
own, nor can he get off by hammering marble instead. 
We are all sculptors and painters, and our material 
is our own flesh and blood and bones. Any nobleness 
begins at once to refine a man's features, and mean- 
ness or sensuality to imbrute them" 

— Thoreau. 



Ill 



HEALTH OF MIND 




JHAT is health of mind? It 
is the normal point of view. 
To be normal is not to be 
stupid or uninteresting as 
|so many people think. It 
is, on the contrary, to attain to a state of 
perfect mental balance in which the judg- 
ment is unfettered and is free to act without 
bias. To be normal is to be well balanced, 
and a well-balanced woman has great power 
over the different forces that enter her life. 
Health of mind is absolutely necessary for 
growth of mind. The mind will not develop 
if it is unhealthy any more than the body 
will. In your mind grow day by day the 
thoughts, aspirations and ideals that make 
up your inner life. That is why it is of 
[87] 



MOTHER AND DAUGHTER 

such importance to keep the mental state, 
or " atmosphere " of your mind, pure and 
healthful. 

Just exactly what does it mean — this 
health of mind? It means that by self-con- 
trol and will power you allow no space in 
your mind for unwholesome or brooding 
thoughts, or for unhealthy conditions, such 
as those of suspicion, morbidness, introspec- 
tion or over-sensitiveness. These are a few 
of the unhealthy conditions of mind every 
one must fight against, and it is well to look 
them fairly in the face and study how to 
avoid them while you are young, for it is 
then that the defenses of life are weakest* 
It is then they will find in you a readier 
prey. 

To be suspicious is, in turn, to awaken 
the suspicion of others. Your very suspi- 
cion of the motives and actions of others, 
will arouse in them a like suspicion of your 
own. You will be isolated from other people 
and the good that is in their natures will be 
turned against you. Never impute to other 
[38] 



HEALTH OF MIND 

people ulterior or underhand motives in what 
they say or do. It is so easy to do this ! 
Should they happen to have such motives, 
the strongest weapon you will have against 
them is your own candor. In all your rela- 
tionships to other people be what you most 
want them to be to you. This is the only 
foundation for intimacies that count. The 
smallest tinge of suspicion will kill friend- 
ship and taint love. Refuse to feel it. Make 
an open road between yourself and your 
friend. Euclid says that a straight line is 
the shortest distance between two given 
points. Remember this, and make your 
thoughts of your friend as " a straight 
line," running without deviation from his 
mind to yours. Avoid the devious in your 
own character also. The Greek word for 
sincere means " that which will endure to be 
held up and judged by the sunlight." I 
think if you have in your own life lived up 
to that standard — in thought and action — > 
you will not find it hard to conquer in your 
mind suspicious thoughts of other people, 
[89] 



MOTHER AND DAUGHTER 

for loyalty and sincerity go hand in hando 
If you can succeed in clearing your mind of 
all suspicious thoughts, placing there in- 
stead personal sincerity and belief in others, 
you will be taking the first step toward 
making your mental life healthy. 

A person who is morbid has an unnatural 
craving for solitude, and takes pleasure in 
melancholy thoughts. It is often asked why 
young people, who have seen so little of the 
tragedy of life, should so frequently be mor- 
bid. This can easily be explained. In youth 
the body is not yet perfectly developed, and 
you have seen how intertwined is physical 
with mental health. You have often heard 
people say of a girl, " She has outgrown her 
strength." This means that her proper de- 
velopment has suffered by too sudden a 
physical growth. Her general mental out- 
put has lagged behind a physical advance 
out of proportion to what it should have 
been. Such a girl is likely to become mor- 
bid. She fancies herself unappreciated at 
home, misunderstood by her friends and 
[40] 



HEALTH OF MIND 

family, and thinks that nobody cares for 
her, or wishes to understand her. Much 
real suffering is often borne by girls because 
of this morbid attitude of mind. Yet it is 
easily conquerable. 

To conquer it, undertake to do something 
practical every day for someone else. Self- 
ishness is often at the bottom of morbid- 
ness, and there is no surer way to overcome 
melancholy thoughts and a longing for soli- 
tude, than in earnest work for somebody 
outside your own small circle of personal 
grievances. While there is a shred of mor- 
bidness left in the mind it will not be healthy. 
It must be remembered that morbidness is 
often and usually the result of physical con- 
dition, and that the body should be in every 
way stimulated and encouraged to reach its 
perfect development. 

Introspection or egotism is another word 
for the constant scrutiny of yourself — look- 
ing inward to the exclusion of the other 
proper attitude of forgetfulness of self. 
While a certain amount of introspection is 
[41] 



MOTHER AND DAUGHTER 

valuable and necessary, too much of it soon 
tips down the mental scale and destroys the 
balance you are trying to maintain. Intro- 
spection is an open doorway for the en- 
trance of many of the unhealthy conditions 
you wish to keep away from. 

It is good to follow out your thoughts 
and impulses to their source — to know why 
you think as you do, and act as you do. 
But introspection should be used only as 
a means of self-knowledge and self-correc- 
tion, and never as an excuse for brooding 
and unhealthy thoughts. Self-knowledge 
can be arrived at only by introspection, 
and I do not mean to discourage it. 
As a tool in the hands of your intelligence, 
it is one of your most valuable instincts. 
But it must not be abused. When it domi- 
nates the mind to the exclusion of simplicity 
and faith in self it' does much harm, narrow- 
ing the horizon of the intelligence until it 
gradually becomes bounded on all sides by 
the smallness of the personal — making it 
impossible for the eye of the soul to see be- 
[42] 



HEALTH OF MIND 

yond the limitations set by the morbid and 
continual looking into self. 

I would suggest to the girl who feels that 
she is thinking too much of herself, and al- 
lowing herself to harp too continually on her 
own faults, grievances, and hindrances, to 
conquer the tendency by filling her days up 
to the brim with healthful, useful work. 
Idleness is the hot-bed in which such thoughts 
grow and multiply. To read, exercise, study, 
play out-of-door games, help in the house — 
these occupations will turn the edge of 
thought outward rather than inward, and 
will be found the means of conquering too 
marked an egoism. Unless some plan of this 
kind is formulated, the thoughts of self will 
grow and grow until at last they assume 
the proportions of disease. Unselfish work 
for others, as I have said before, is the sure 
and immediate antidote to egoism. 

Introspection often leads to over-sensi- 
tiveness. No one can describe the misery 
that over-sensitiveness brings into the life 
of one who feels it like a constant shadow, 
[43] 



MOTHER AND DAUGHTER 

keeping pace with her, and dogging her 
footsteps in whatever direction she tries to 
go. After a certain fashion everyone is sen- 
sitive, for we are all proud, and filled with 
easily wounded self-love. But there is an 
over-sensitiveness that is almost a disease, 
and that we should fight against with every 
power we possess. 

The over-sensitive girl is always looking 
for slights and snubs. She will not visit 
without special invitation, for fear her visit 
might be ill-timed. She finds great diffi- 
culty in talking before strangers, and never 
appears at her best outside the immediate 
home circle. This over-sensitiveness is often 
the effect of some bodily weakness, or even 
of some bodily defect^. To become strong 
physically, and to be as pretty and well 
cared for as possible should help the sensi- 
tive girl to overcome her weakness of charac- 
ter and it should be conquered as soon as 
possible, for it is a weakness that has poi- 
soned many a young girl's life, following 
hei even through her womanhood with its 
[44] 



HEALTH OF MIND 

insufferable, nagging presence. If you suf- 
fer from over-sensitiveness, make a brave 
effort to overcome it. If you do not suc- 
ceed it will keep step with you even as it 
has done with so many others, standing like 
a silent enemy before some of the most de- 
lightful experiences of life, forbidding you 
to enter and enjoy. Over-sensitiveness is a 
cruel burden for a child to bear, but it can 
be conquered by time, patience, and the con- 
stant exertion of moral force and self-con- 
trol. Add to these mental attributes the 
daily practice of unselfish and practical 
work for others, and you will surely succeed. 
Now the importance of mental health is 
vital for this reason: all the experiences of 
life reach us through the mind. To keep 
the mind clear, bright, and open, is the only 
way to see the events of our daily existence 
in proper proportion, one to another, and 
to learn clearly and concisely the lessons 
they were sent to teach. The attributes of 
unheal th that I have just mentioned dis- 
color and poison this medium through which 
[45 J 



MOTHER AND DAUGHTER 

we see life and come in touch with it. To 
enjoy the quality of perceptivity — to see 
clearly — the mind must be healthy. 

Therefore, if instead of over-sensitiveness,, 
morbidness, and suspicion, you place in your 
mind confidence, cheerfulness, and trust, you 
gather forces strong for happiness under 
your control, through which you will affect 
everyone with whom you come in touch. 

You cannot live to yourself alone. Even 
the youngest child holds in her hands the 
happiness of others, and her personality 
will affect and contribute to their develop- 
ment. Therefore, to meet life with serenity, 
trust, confidence and joy is to bring to it 
your best gifts, and to fit yourself to be a 
valiant soul fighting always for truth and 
the best that is in you. This is health of 
mind. To keep free from contamination 
that sacred inner life, in which you are, with 
the help of the events of your daily life, 
preparing and fitting yourself to meet 
eternity ' 

[46] 



IV 
CHARACTER-BUILDING 



** There is need of a sound body, and even more 
need of a sound mind, but above mind and above 
body stands character." 

— Theodore Roosevelt. 



a I at least have told you that the happiness of your 
life, and its power and its part and rank in earth or 
heaven depend on the way you pass yonr days now," 

— Ruskik. 




IV 

CHARACTER-BUILDING 

HERE is a workshop where 
every human soul must spend 
I a certain number of years. 
You will find yourself in 
[that workshop even before 
you are old enough to go to school, and 
there you will have to stay until you are a 
woman. 

Every day, in this workshop, there is 
placed before you a certain amount of Stuff, 
and in your hand is laid what at first ap- 
pears to be a clumsy Tool. It is made 
known to you in some mysterious but em- 
phatic way, that you are expected to make 
this Stuff into a definite shape before the 
end of the day. 

What I have called the Stuff is that which 
comes to you every day in the shape of 
[49] 



MOTHER AND DAUGHTER 

events. How you take it, and how you 
mould it with your Tool determines your 
growth. 

Your Tool is Will. At first it is so clumsy 
that you can make little of it. It is so 
clumsy that it hurts you and spoils the 
Stuff. After a long time, little by little, 
you learn how to use it. When you have 
learned this you begin to take interest in 
the Stuff, and to try to make beautiful and 
useful things. 

Every day, though you have new Stuff, 
and begin with a perfectly clear sheet, you 
bring to your work all the advantages or 
discouragements of your previous use of the 
Tool. 

Some people get discouraged, and throw 
away the Tool. Then the Stuff, unworked 
and unimproved, grows greater and greater 
in bulk, and finally, completely overcome, 
they lose the use of the Tool forever. 

To lose the Tool forever is the greatest 
disaster that can happen to a soul. 

You may think, " Oh, if only I had an 
[50] 



CHARACTER-BUILDING 

easier Tool ! " There is but one Tool, how- 
ever, which can be used to shape the Stuff, 
and that Tool God put into your hand on 
the day that you were born. 

It is plain, therefore, that the reason why 
you must work every day in the workshop, 
is to learn how to use the Tool. It makes 
no difference how much Stuff is spoiled, or 
how poor the work is at the end of the day, 
just so that you have learned a little more 
about the Tool. 

After a while you will be too old to work 
in the workshop, and instead you will be al- 
lowed to go out and work in the world. It 
is then, that you will most need the Tool. If 
you have not learned how to use it, your 
life will be a barren, sterile life, a hindrance 
to all who are influenced by it, for all good 
and useful things upon this earth come alone 
by effort of the will. 

Now you are young, and you are still in 
the workshop. I would say to you earnestly, 
learn how to use the Tool. 

With these thoughts in mind let us go 
[51] 



MOTHER AND DAUGHTER 

directly to the question before us and try to 
see practically what is the best possible way 
of learning how to use will and how to form 
character. 

It is by the road of habit that we arrive 
most quickly and certainly at the enviable 
state of self-knowledge, self-control, and 
strength of will. By habit alone is the fault 
of instability of character and purpose over- 
come, and it is this fault above all others 
which stands directly in the way of the de- 
velopment and use of will. 

Habits you must have. It is for you to 
say whether the habits that are certain to 
be formed in your life shall be good habits, 
making for the strength and perfection of 
your character, or bad habits that will grad- 
ually weaken your line of defense, so that 
when you are really tried you have inde- 
cision and impotence instead of courage and 
stability. 

The value of habit must be apparent to 
every schoolgirl. To do the same thing in 
the same way until it becomes a habit, is the 
]52] 



CHARACTER-BUILDING 

only road to success in any line of effort. 
In study, regular application to work in the 
same way at the same time is the only 
method that ever wins results. The brilliant 
pianist is made in one way — by playing 
daily scales, using the same fingering every 
time until the notes are perfect. There is 
no short cut. In athletics nothing can be 
accomplished except by this one means-;— i 
concentration of effort upon the details of 
the game, doing the same thing over and 
over again in exactly the same way until 
perfection is reached. 

This rule holds equally true in spiritual 
matters, particularly in character-building. 
Habit is the surest, quickest way to form 
character, and the only way. Every time 
you deliberately allow yourself to do a 
wrong action, it will be easier to do the same 
thing the next time. Every time you will to 
concentrate your mind upon your work or 
play, and do your best, you train your fac- 
ulties, strengthen your self-command, and 1 
form habits of mental discipline. 



MOTHER AND DAUGHTER 

There are a few traits of personality 
which should form the basis of character- 
building. Indeed they may all be made fast 
in life during girlhood, and as priceless 
habits of thought, speech, and action, be- 
come the crown as well as the corner-stone of 
character. They are accuracy, loyalty, self- 
control, discernment, concentration. I would 
suggest that you think of each one of these 
traits separately, and insist that they be- 
come the foundation of your character, add- 
ing to them and developing them in your 
nature as you grow older. Though there 
are other traits which add to the beauty and 
grace of personality, I think every woman, 
to " ring true," and lead a highly efficient 
and dependable life, must place at the very 
root of her development the characteristics 
I have just mentioned. Let us look at each 
one of them separately. 

The habit of accuracy in all that you say 
and do is a habit that will work uncon- 
sciously for you, and will greatly help you 
to form your character. By habitual inac- 
[54] 



CHARACTER-BUILDING 

curacy*^— which in itself may often be per- 
fectly harmless— -you gradually break down 
your standards of right and wrong, and 
it is heie that the danger lies. The habit 
disintegrates what should be a strong force 
in your character, and where you should 
have a fortress of protection in a sense of 
perfect truth, you will find instead a shift- 
ing pile of sand — you will have sacrificed 
one of the most beautiful ornaments of a 
noble character — habitual truth — to an ig- 
noble fault — habitual inaccuracy. If, on 
the other hand, you refuse to allow this dis- 
astrous habit to encroach upon your life, 
and form the safeguard of the habit of 
truth carried out in the smallest details of 
your speech and life, you will be doing the 
best thing in your power toward starting 
the growth of your character in the right 
direction. Inaccuracy is a fault more com- 
mon to women than to men. It is therefore 
particularly important to fight against it 
and to overcome it in girlhood. Try to be 
a girl who can "be depended upon. 5 ' It 
[55] 



MOTHER AND DAUGHTER 

will be worth while, for this characteristic 
will win you the kind of friends that count 
for most in life. Everyone who comes near 
you will feel at once whether or not you 
have this quality of truth, accuracy and de- 
pendability. They will be quick to respond 
to it and give you of their best; and you 
will have influence over the lives and desti- 
nies of others. This influence is never ob- 
tained by those who are uncertain of char- 
acter and purpose. 

Loyalty is probably the finest trait that 
can be found in human nature. Practice 
loyalty in your own life* Stand up for 
your family, whatever may be your tempta- 
tion to criticize. Never allow anyone to 
drag down the reputation of your school or 
church or country. Do not be afraid to ex- 
press your opinion and to give allegiance. 
Fear and weakness go hand in hand, there- 
fore be strong and speak out from your 
heart in defense of what you love. Give 
perfect loyalty to your friends and family, 
for only in this way can your relationships 
[56] ' 



QHARACTER-BUILDING 

in life be fruitful. Disloyalty has probably 
been the cause of more bitterness and misery 
than any other one fault. To build the 
trait of loyalty into your life forbear to 
criticize, and never say behind your friend's 
back what you would not say to her face. 
This is trite, I know. But it is a truth 
worth taking fresh hold of, for valuable 
ground in the construction of character is 
lost by habitual tattling, and gossip, and 
smallness of speech and thought. It is well 
to realize how easily it may all be overcome 
by practicing the habit of loyalty. Give 
allegiance, be faithful, have the courage and 
strength to be true even in the face of crit- 
icism. 

Self-control is also greatly a matter of 
habit— and will do much for you during the 
formative years of your life. I will speak 
of it at length later on and so only touch 
upon its great importance here. If you are 
annoyed, disappointed, or put into a pas- 
sion by some trivial matter (or perhaps it 
may be serious), do not give up until you 
[57] 



MOTHER AND DAUGHTER 

have made at least one effort at self-con- 
trol. Form the habit in girlhood of quiet- 
ing the violent impulses of your nature and 
of holding yourself in check for a second or 
two until your will has regained command. 
Often a little time is all that is needed to 
explain situations which at first sight seem 
impossible to understand. How glad you 
will be, after the whole thing is made clear, 
if you have been successful in holding your- 
self quiet until silence bridged a safe path 
from your heated misconception to true vis- 
ion. Self-control is a habit indispensable to 
moral growth. A hundred times a day you 
will need it as the heated impulses of your 
nature spring out and try to drag from you 
angry speech and words that bring separa- 
tion and distrust. To no human being is 
allowed license of speech. We must have 
self-control. Therefore make every effort 
to acquire it early in your life. Argument- 
ativeness, fault-finding and criticism grow 
wild where there is no self-control, and they 
are traits disintegrating to all human re- 
158] 



CHARACTER-BUILDING 

lationships and to real strength of charac- 
ter. Self-control in every event of life, un- 
til the way opens to a clear understanding 
of all the facts, and the mind is prepared 
to give judgment — this is necessary for the 
true development of character. 

In building your character you must learn 
" to discern light from vapor," in other 
words, to understand what is worth taking 
into your life and mind, and what is best 
thrown aside. Judgment and discernment 
are qualities that develop with experience, 
but they are present in the years of child- 
hood, and can be trained to usefulness very 
early in your life. Judge your friends, 
your amusements, your studies, your envi- 
ronment. Not 1 in the spirit of criticism, but 
to learn. Try to see if there are qualities 
in them that will give you adequate returns 
for your gift of time, effort and affection. 
Look carefully around you and form the 
habit of discernment. Judge between the 
passing and the enduring in life. In mat- 
ters of friendship give your love to a girl 
[59] 



MOTHER AND DAUGHTER 

who has the stuff in her nature to respond, 
do not waste it upon a weak or deceitful 
friend whose motive in seeking your allegi- 
ance is to use it to her own advantage. In 
friendships, both with boys and girls, no 
habit is more useful than the habit of dis- 
cernment. It will help you to avoid mak- 
ing mistakes and wasting time, effort and 
love where there is no possibility of a just 
return. And by this I do not mean to sug- 
gest selfishness in choosing friends, or neg- 
lect of those less fortunate than yourself, 
perhaps, in the outgoing qualities of friend- 
ship. Some seemingly dull little back- 
ground girl at school may need just the in- 
spiration of your comradeship to quicken 
her to astonishing life.; and the change you 
have wrought in her, if you are so privi- 
leged, will repay fourfold the unselfish ef- 
fort which you have made in her behalf. 
Those to whom your heart goes out must, 
of course, be first in their claims upon your 
thought and time. But spend a little, a 
very little, of yourself upon your back- 
[60] 



CHARACTER-BUILDING 

ground schoolmates and see if it is not your- 
self, sometimes, who is found the debtor. 

Above all things, be sane in friendship. 
Emotional friendships between girls, the 
" crushes " of school and college life, are 
an absolute detriment to any girl, lowering 
her standards and making her ridiculous in 
the eyes of her fellow-students. The silli- 
ness of the " crushy " girl usually makes 
the object of her affections miserable or 
bored, as the case may be. If some foolish 
girl has a " crush " upon you, give her a 
sensible talking to, I beg of you; and keep 
your own mind and heart so frank and open 
that your mental and spiritual health will 
throw off this or any other abnormal condi- 
tion as readily as your healthy body resists 
and overcomes the germs of disease. 

Look with the spirit of discernment into 
your life* Do not spend hours of effort at 
music or art if you have no gift. Discern 
your capabilities and then judge what is 
best to do. Cultivate a taste for the high, 
the pure, the invigorating and try to draw 
[61] 



MOTHER AND DAUGHTER 

such forces into your life. In reading, you 
need not choose " heavy " books, but rather 
novels and tales taken from classical litera- 
ture. Reading trashy books will spoil your 
taste. In giving time, the most precious 
of all your gifts, to a study or a person 
or an amusement, be sure that you will find 
in each a just reward for your effort. De- 
mand of life a fair return for all the en- 
thusiasm and love you put into it. This 
is not mercenary, it is only looking ahead. 
By using the spirit of discernment and the 
power of good judgment you will be form- 
ing in your character two of the strongest 
forces you can have for the right develop- 
ment of your higher self. 

I have mentioned the habits of accuracj^, 
loyalty, self-control and discernment, as 
habits good to cultivate, useful and helpful 
in the building and forming of character. 
There is still another, and without it little 
can be done that will be permanent. It is 
concentration. Without concentration of 
mind and will you will find it impossible to 
[62] 



CHARACTER-BUILDING 

form these on any other useful habits. Lack 
of concentration is the first sign of mental 
degeneracy and personal weakness. A weak 
character is quite unable to concentrate any 
of its powers. The ability to concentrate 
will and effort is one of the greatest factors 
in life. Concentration has been the means 
by which all the advances of the ages have 
been accomplished. To do anything in this 
world, however small the task may be, you 
will find it necessary first to concentrate 
your mind. One of the first remarks to be 
made about an unsuccessful person is " He 
never could concentrate his mind." With- 
out the ability to concentrate thought and 
effort the human soul loses as it were its 
handle, its means of leverage, its power to 
shape and form. I can not exaggerate the 
importance of concentration. Fortunately 
it can be cultivated. But to cultivate it, 
it is necessary first to use the will. So we 
come back again to the use of the Tool. 
The power of concentration is vital, because 
it has to do with the will, and will power 
[63] 



MOTHER AND DAUGHTER 

as we have seen is the most valuable attri- 
bute a man or woman can possess. Strength 
of will grows from the habit of concentrat- 
ing the mind, even as concentration itself 
is dependent upon first exciting and then 
using the will. With these two faculties 
combined and well in hand, the great dif- 
ficulties of character-building are overcome. 
Our word character is taken from the 
Greek " charakter " which means an en- 
graved mark or stamp. How perfectly it 
all appears as we look first at the old word 
and then at the new! Charakter — an en- 
graved mark, a stamp, used frequently we 
can but suppose upon the waxen writing 
tablets. Character — virtues and traits en- 
graved and stamped forever upon the yield- 
ing substance of our faulty human nature. 
How interesting the comparison. By thus 
defining the word we see exactly what is 
meant by character-building. As day after 
day advances with its endless opportunities 
for decision, the immortal marks are made, 
the stamp and die placed forever. All the 

[64] 



CHARACTER-BUILDING 

events of life are, as it were, " tests " of 
character. Every day, as hour follows 
hour, we are forced to act. Action is the 
means by which we build character. Life 
is, and will be, one long series of decisions, 
chiefly about little and unimportant things. 
As we decide so will the character develop, 
and so will we be fitted to respond when the 
great questions of life come up and we must 
decide things that are vital to the future. 
How shall we go about this difficult task 
of making wise decisions, and of placing 
such marks upon the wax of our easily in- 
fluenced human nature that the result will 
be the gradual forming of a noble charac- 
ter? Only by meeting the little events of 
daily life as they come toward us in the 
right spirit. Apparently unimportant, in 
reality they form the stepping stones by 
which we mount to higher things, and it is 
only by the lessons we learn through meet- 
ing them fairly that we gain strength to 
come through the " valley of decision, 55 with 
our heads high. 

[65] 



V 

INDIFFERENCE 



"Dost thou love life? Then do not squander time, 
for that is the stuff life is wade of." 

— Benjamin Franexin. 

"And the sin 1 impute to each frustrate ghost is — 
the unlit lamp and the ungirt loin. 39 

— Browning. 



INDIFFERENCE 




]HOLY indifference to the 
I thousand things about which 
\men fret themselves and 
i worry, thou art half of 
{life's wisdom! 
I once found these words pinned over the 
desk of a young girl in whose development 
I was much interested. I took down the 
paper and replaced it by another, on 
which I wrote the following words of Jean 
Paul: 

/ have made of myself all that could be 
made of the stuff. 

Do you see what different lines of action 
these two thoughts put out for the still un- 
developed character? 

Indifference is not wisdom. More often 
than not it is moral laziness with a different 
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MOTHER AND DAUGHTER 

name. By shutting ourselves away from 
the things over which men fret and agonize 
we shut ourselves away from all possible 
avenues of development. Development 
comes by the courageous meeting of just 
such difficulties as cause in us mental and 
moral agitation — the very difficulties which 
indifference would bid us ignore. 

" The stuff " is what we have inherited, 
together with all our new and personal 
gifts. We can not choose what, in, its orig- 
inal bulk, it shall contain. But what we 
make of " the stuff " — Ah, girls, this is 
your life work! Do not meet it with in- 
difference and self-sufficiency as your weap- 
ons! 

To make of yourself all that can be made 
of " the stuff " is to accomplish in this 
world the highest offices of the soul. Though 
you receive life, education, and friends from 
your parents, how you receive these gifts, 
and what you make of them is entirely in 
your own hands. You have before you un- 
limited possibilities — do not waste a moment 
[70] 



INDIFFERENCE 

in indifference; life is so short, and youth 
the shortest period of it all. 

I can not help feeling that indifference 
is one of the greatest dangers in a girl's 
path. Indeed indifference seems almost to 
be synonymous with girlhood so generally 
are they associated. 

It is not so much that indifference is in 
itself harmful — an indifferent girl might 
never commit a sin — but it is a weed that 
grows in the place where immortal flowers 
should be planted, and once it begins to 
spread there will be little space for the 
eternal blooms. 

Indifference produces a negative charac- 
ter. A negative character is not necessarily 
harmful, — but think of the daily waste of 
invaluable material — of the life-stuff, glow- 
ing with potential force which a negative 
character deliberately passes by on the 
other side — perhaps such a person does 
not even see that she is robbing her soul 
of the sweetest harvest it can reap — 
the consciousness of work well done and 
[71] 



MOTHER AND DAUGHTER 

the reward of moral and intellectual ef- 
fort. 

The only sure way to overcome indiffer- 
ence is to overcome the ignorance which it 
implies. Herbert Spencer says that every 
creature is happy when he is fully using his 
powers. To have something to do, that in 
the doing broadens and develops our pow- 
ers, is the only way to be happy. Parents 
often try to shield their children by doing 
everything for them. What a mistake it 
is! It is just such children who grow up 
indifferent, self-sufficient and morally lazy. 
By individual effort alone the character 
grows, and in the act of growth only is it 
possible to know contentment. To enjoy 
this growth it is necessary to have keen in- 
terests in your life, whatever they may be. 
Try to see into some of the mysteries of 
nature, even if at first it is hard to over- 
come the sluggishness of your mind. Re- 
solve firmly that while you study some one 
thing seriously you will continually be en- 
larging your interests by obtaining a super- 
[72] 



INDIFFERENCE 

ficial knowledge of many things. By a 
superficial knowledge I mean enough knowl- 
edge to have your interest stimulated, so 
that you can be an intelligent listener on 
many subjects outside the few in which you 
are trying to perfect yourself. 

It is usually mental laziness, with a de- 
termined wish to avoid giving personal ef- 
fort that combines to make the kind of ig- 
norance people choose to call indifference, 
and I venture to say that the most indiffer- 
ent girl would drop her indifference in a 
flash would some brilliant man lead her out 
on a starry summer evening and open to 
her the wonders of the heavens. The con- 
struction of the flowers, the habits of the 
birds, the very stones we so seldom bend 
to see, these when explained by one who has 
love, enthusiasm and simplicity of speech 
will awaken the dullest girl to enthusiasm. 
Large thoughts about the world in which 
she lives — large thoughts and keen interests 
i — these are what the indifferent girl 
needs — once let her see? — she soon becomes 
[73] 



MOTHER AND DAUGHTER 

ashamed of her indifference and looks around 
her to discover what she can do. Large 
thoughts and keen interests work together 
in the heart of the girl who has once awak- 
ened to their power, to fashion her being 
and prepare her energies for an active, use- 
ful life. An indifferent person can not feel 
thrilled by the emotions which come to those 
who are intellectually thirsty — the moment 
you wish to know you have taken the first 
step towards overcoming indifference. 

One of the most interesting facts is that 
with every effort we make for cultivation 
there comes also a mysterious uplift from 
some hidden power. All persons who have 
thought and studied earnestly, or loved 
greatly, know this. There is an exhilara- 
tion, a help that comes softly like strange 
breezes from an unknown shore which fresh- 
ens us, stimulates us and gives us insight 
and moral joy. This blessed help the in- 
different girl can never know. There is a 
material help also that comes. With the 
sudden development of her own enthusiasms 
[74] 



INDIFFERENCE 

and interests comes an ability to draw from 
other people their own. No one can help a 
girl who thinks she already knows every- 
thing. But a desire to know is at once re- 
warded by others who are quick to recog- 
nize it. We are each one responsible for 
what we are able to get from other peo- 
ple. It is impossible for a self-sufficient, in- 
different person to obtain any of the hidden 
wealth from other minds. 

In school, in society, in life, our personal 
enthusiasms and mental desires will attract 
from others that which will sustain and sat- 
isfy them, and will draw unto themselves 
the best from other minds. No one learns 
without first wishing to learn — that is cer- 
tain. That no sympathy is gained without 
a like gift is almost as equally sure. In- 
difference never can win sympathy or gather 
knowledge. 

Whatever you may do or leave undone, 

try not to say " I don't care " or at least 

try not to think it. Some girls say " 1 

don't care " because they are ruffled or an- 

[75] 



MOTHER AND DAUGHTER 

noyed and for no deeper reason. Careless- 
ness about things that count is just as bad 
as indifference. Do not laugh and say u I 
don't care." To be in earnest and to care 
deeply about every little incident that con- 
trols and guides your development is the 
only possible way to make the M best of the 
stuff." Ridicule, indifference, scorn, "I 
don't care" — all these make for the belit- 
tling of " the stuff " and the gradual dis- 
integration of the good that was given us 
to keep and increase, a good gathered to- 
gether by the sacrifices and efforts of those 
who have gone before. Their legacy to us 
was their imperfected characters, their un- 
finished work. We can not afford to be 
indifferent if we would worthily carry on 
this our great part in earnest work for the 
uplift of the world. 

There is a wholesome pride of race quite 
different from the worldly emphasis put 
upon " good family." The pride I speak 
of would prevent a woman from doing wrong 
by putting into her heart a constant vision 
[76] 



INDIFFERENCE 

of saintly faces gone before her life began. 
The lives of honorable forebears who were 
iC gentlemen, unafraid " and the mothers, 
wives and sisters of such men, can in this 
way become a daily stimulant to do the best 
we can with " the stuff. 55 For is not the 
stuff the sacred remnant of their lives — 
the seeds of integrity, purpose, and useful- 
ness that they left us to carry on toward 
perfection? 

I know a woman, now a mother of sev- 
eral children, who believes that the greatest 
factor in her development! was the accidental 
finding, reading, and copying of some let- 
ters exchanged between her great-grand- 
parents a hundred years ago. She had a 
sudden revelation of their lives which it 
would have been impossible for her to have 
attained in any other way. No one would 
have spoken to her — even they themselves 
had they been alive — as those tender pas- 
sionate letters spoke, first of the hopes of a 
united life — then of the life itself, and then 
of age, peace, and the final surrender of 
[77] 



MOTHER AND DAUGHTER 

one by the other. First to see their aims 
set forth with so much sweet and unassum- 
ing hope in the early letters, then to witness 
their struggles and disappointments as they 
bore the heat of the day together, and 
finally the end achieved — all was a lesson 
which went deeply into her heart to affect 
her entire life and ideals. 

Had they been indifferent in their atti- 
tude toward life, careless of how they met 
their responsibilities, thoughtless of the 
great destiny awaiting the true development 
of their souls, separate and united, the let- 
ters would never have been written. It was 
their earnest struggling desire to make the 
" best of the stuff " that gave each line 
such power. 



[78] 



VI 

EXAMPLE 



( May every soul that touches mine 
Be it the slightest contact — get therefrom some 

good, 
Some little grace, one kindly thought, 
One inspiration yet unfelt, one bit of courage 
For the darkening sky, one gleam of faith 
To brave the thickening ills of life, 
One glimpse of brighter skies beyond the gathering 

mists 
To make this life worth while, 
And heaven a surer heritage." 



VI 



EXAMPLE 




O know one person who is 
positively to be trusted will 
do more for a man's moral 
nature, yes, for his spirit- 
ual nature— than all the ser- 
mons he ever heard." Thus speaks George 
Macdonald, and he might go on to say 
with equal truth that one false, one deceit- 
ful, one insincere friend is enough to cause 
the faith and confidence of a life-time to 
waver. 

This is the reason for the almost terrible 
seriousness which surrounds example. We 
never know when we are influencing others, 
or to how great an extent, for we can not 
calculate the state of weakness in which 
those persons may be at the moment when 
their lives touch ours. We may be able to 
[81] 



MOTHER AND DAUGHTER 

do many kinds of doubtful things ourselves 
without receiving any harm, yet our example 
if followed by a weaker character might end 
disastrously. Many people say that they 
can see vicious plays, read any kind of a 
book, go with all classes of persons without 
in the least affecting their moral natures ; 
other girls, imaginative, highly strung, and 
easily influenced, by following such an ex- 
ample, might be led almost to the verge of 
crime. 

We do not live to ourselves alone, we can 
not stand alone a moment, our lives are en- 
meshed, one with another, what we do 
spreads through the lives of others and by 
the power of example we exert a constant 
influence. 

I know that there is something prudish 
and uninviting about the thought of setting 
a good example. Indeed we shrink from 
assuming any such attitude. I would not 
have a girl set herself up as a pattern or 
think of herself as an example, I would only 
have her realize that she is surrounded by 
[82] 



* EXAMPLE 

an atmosphere which is strong with a mys- 
terious and vital influence. This atmos- 
phere is created by the very essence, as it 
were, of what she does and thinks and really 
is. To others its quality is instantly made 
known. It either uplifts, strengthens, pur- 
ifies, or it communicates doubt, fear and a 
subtle all prevailing distrust. It is by this 
force that we are known, and this is our 
true medium of example. It is something 
far higher than a mere perfunctory doing 
what is right in order that others may 
see. Something much further reaching in 
that it touches the inmost core of being. 
We feel, through the power of this atmos- 
phere, all that our friend stands for, all 
that she most truly is deep down in her 
heart; what her ideals are and the story 
of her strivings after them. Her honor, 
her truth, her steadfastness, patience and 
faith; these, which mysteriously bound in 
one constitute her example to us, are made 
known through the medium of personal " at- 
mosphere." This atmosphere which some 
[83] 



MOTHER AND DAUGHTER 

people call personality, holds within it the 
power to invigorate, establish, fructify and 
even create the ideals of other persons. It 
is because of this great personal power we 
each one of us possess over the lives and 
destinies of others that we must never pause 
in our efforts to stand up fearlessly for the 
good in all that we do, speak and think. 

I am sure that every one who has at- 
tained womanhood, looks back to the in- 
fluence of a man or woman who " magnet- 
ized " as it were her nature at some vital 
moment when she was particularly open to 
suggestion. 

f; There are three grand periods in life,* 5 
says Ludlow. " When one is born, «when 
one dies, and somewhere between, when one 
wakes up to realize what one was born 
for. Some never get this second experience. 
Unlike Christian in Bunyan's story, they do 
not happen to be awake when the heavenly 
maidens come to put the armor on them." 
I believe that to almost everyone comes this 
second experience, and I believe also that the 
[84] 



EXAMPLE 

heavenly maiden who brings the armor of 
Self-knowledge, and who fits it to the Soul 
of the child, thus constituting her a woman, 
is usually someone who has the mysterious 
atmosphere of personality strong about her, 
by whose example the child is shaken out of 
her lethargy, impelled to awaken and make 
something of herself. Once awake the child 
feels that she too is a power, and that she 
too must look around and see who she can 
help. Not only can she go about giving 
courage and assistance to others, but she can 
even create in natures still dormant the wish 
to be vitalized. There may be a few neg- 
ative characters, who do not impress them- 
selves upon others because they are neither 
strong nor weak. But how few they are ! 
It is wise for every girl to say to herself 
constantly, " I may not live an hour with- 
out helping or hindering somebody by my 
example. Every word I say will encourage 
or it will dishearten. Everything I think 
and do will write itself in my face, proclaim- 
ing to other people all that I stand for." 
[85] 



MOTHER AND DAUGHTER 

A clear open countenance is the result of 
a cheerful and well-ordered life. It is a con- 
tinual example. It helps by its silent look 
of sympathy and interest and good inten- 
tion. Though not a word is said a sharp 
frowning face spreads about a gradual sense 
of distrust and unhappiness. We must 
guard within us the helpful qualities so that 
as we grow older we may become one of the 
" magnets " awakening others even as we 
ourselves were awakened and vitalizing them 
by the exertion of our own vitality. 

" If I take a piece of steel and touch it 
to the poles of a magnet — which is simply 
another piece of steel that has had its latent 
power developed — immediately, from being 
in a quiescent state it becomes an active 
magnet. Every true woman has a native 
disposition to refinement, sympathy, and 
service. It may be latent, but it will quickly 
be brought into activity by close contact 
with those in whom the qualities are al- 
ready active." 

What a beautiful thought it is, this gift 
[86] 



EXAMPLE 

of life to the dull insensitized faculties by 
example and contact, and what a happy 
destiny to be one of the " magnets " from 
whose very touch departs virtue, whose 
words, actions and example brighten the 
world and give to other people a mysterious 
spiritual strength. 

There is one practical way at least in 
which every girl can be scrupulous to set 
a good example. That is in the regularity 
with which she discharges all duties once 
she has pledged herself to them. I am sure 
all of you who have tried to " get up n 
anything know how few people can be re- 
lied en to do what they say they will do^ 
This is a fault peculiar to women, great 
at making promises, very poor at carry- 
ing them into effect. And if you have hap- 
pened to be at the head of any entertain- 
ment or fair or charity, you will know with 
what a sense of security you place your 
plans in the hands of a woman who has 
earned the reputation of doing what she 
promises, faithfully. In reading over the 
[87] 



MOTHER AND DAUGHTER 

names of a Guild or Society or Committee 
for one thing or another, you will know long 
before the vital moment comes who you can 
depend upon, who you can be sure will do 
her part consistently, who will attend every 
meeting, in spite of the weather, and who 
will be at her post on the eventful day calm, 
cool-headed, ready to see that the thing 
goes. 

Oh, girls, this book will not have been 
written in vain if it influences one of you to 
be a dependable woman. My grandmother 
used to say to me when I was a little child, 
" Unstable as water, thou shalt not excel " 
and then shake her head. Perhaps it is the 
memory of this warning that has caused me 
to grow up with such a horror of women 
who are not as good as their word. 

" Why of course, I shall be delighted to 
come — you may expect me at three and I 
shall come prepared to take entire charge 
of the fancy table." You thank her know- 
ing just as well as if the day had come 
and gone that she will straggle in about 
[88] 



EXAMPLE 

five, and that if you had depended upon her 
there would have been no business done at 
the fancy table at all. Every one knows 
this girl. Unfortunately she constitutes a 
great part of every community. 

In church work, in theatricals, in school 
entertainments, in all committee work — 
wherever, in fact, there is a body of women 
or girls collected to do a certain work you 
will find the same thing — one or two faith- 
ful workers who come to every meeting, do 
their part promptly and intelligently and 
put the thing through by their own per- 
sonal effort. To each one of these there 
will be four or five who are great in ex- 
pressions of interest and full of excuses when 
the day comes and they are not found in 
their place. It is the first type of girl, 
the faithful girl with the priceless quality 
of dependability who is responsible for the 
success of ail corporate effort. She it is 
who leavens the mass by her gift of individ- 
ual enthusiasm and prompt effort. She 
does what she promises to do, constituting 
[89] 



MOTHER AND DAUGHTER 

by that one quality alone an example full 
of power to her weaker sisters. 

I am convinced that it is only a matter of 
will, this keeping of appointments. People 
allow themselves to form the habit of break- 
ing engagements. Once done it is always 
easier to do it the next time. There are 
some families who never keep engagements 
and who consider every little hindrance a 
legitimate excuse to back out of whatever 
it is that they have said they would do. 

There is another matter in which I wish 
every girl would be particular about the 
kind of example she sets, and that is how 
she speaks about the affairs of other persons. 

" If your lips would keep from slips 
Five things observe with care: 

Of whom you speak, to whom you speak, 
And how and when and where! 99 

I am willing to admit that the continual 
observance of these five rules would produce 
a pretty dry and uninteresting character, 
but I think more harm than we can possibly 
estimate is done by malicious, untrue and 
[90] 



EXAMPLE 

suggestive talk about others. There is such 
a difference in the way you speak. Of 
course we all discuss one another's business, 
every one does, we must expect it and allow 
for it, but it can be done in such different 
ways. In the spirit of kindly speculative 
interest it is not a harmful trait, but we 
all know persons who delight in giving 
" digs " to every one as soon as the con- 
versation grows personal. Contempt, scorn, 
ridicule, this is the tone in which many peo- 
ple always speak of their friends. Always 
criticizing, never in the spirit of sympathy 
and understanding. 

There is no example which affects us 
more strongly than that of a girl who, while 
talking freely and naturally of others al- 
ways brings their good qualities to the 
front, and tries in a gentle and sweet man- 
ner to cover their faults and misdemeanors 
with the mantle of charity and silence. It 
is only a matter of habit which tone we al- 
low our conversation to take. It is for us 
to decide whether we shall shield the less 
[91] 



MOTHER AND DAUGHTER 

fortunate and the less perfect by quietly 
dropping their business from our talk, or 
whether we shall drag forth on all occasions 
everything we have heard or imagine might 
possibly be connected with their affairs. 

"Words are mighty, words are living, 

Serpents with their venomous stings 
Or bright angels crowding round us, 

With heaven's light upon their wings: 
Every word has its own spirit, 

True or false that never dies; 
Every word man's lips have uttered 

Echoes in God's skies." 



[92] 



THE SCHOOL GIRL 



" / recommend you to take care of the minutes, for 
the hours will take care of themselves" 

— Lord Chesterfield. 



VII 



THE SCHOOL GIRL, 




CHOOL will be your first 
battlefield. However suc- 
cessful you may be, however 
popular, it is nevertheless 
[ the first trial that life will 
make of your strength. At home, though 
you may not wish to admit it, you are 
shielded and humored at every turn. You 
are saved a hundred little inconveniences, 
everyday inconveniences, which the love of 
your parents takes upon itself for your 
sake. Until you leave home you will never 
know how many times your mother received 
into her own heart trials and disappoint- 
ments that were meant for yours. But at 
school all is very different. You stand en- 
tirely on your own feet. You gain for 
[95] 



MOTHER AND DAUGHTER 

yourself only what you are able to pay for 
in personal coin. 

It is easier to understand all that school 
means to a girl after one has oneself passed 
through the different phases and closed the 
book. It is impossible to see it all clearly 
until one is able to look back with a certain 
perspective on the uneven road. 

On looking back with this sense of per- 
spective upon my own schooldays they seem 
so like a little play, set upon a miniature 
stage, with all one's little world for audi- 
ence and critic. The stars, minor charac- 
ters, and supernumeraries ; the enthusiasm, 
contentions, and jealousies of the real stage 
are all there — -but it is compassed in so small 
a space, as one looks back, that one can not 
quite realize its grave importance. Yet 
from that stage, the young actresses gradu- 
ate to larger parts, and step out upon the 
boards of life, there to show what they have 
learned. Therefore it is to be looked upon 
as the first great critical event in a girl's 

life. 

[96] 



THE SCHOOL GIRL 

In school, no matter when or where* there 
are always found certain divisions, created 
unconsciously by the girls themselves be- 
cause of their different natural gifts of char- 
acter and disposition. Each girl is drawn, 
quite without knowing it, by invisible forces 
into the circle she is best fitted to support. 
The barriers of these circles are as fixed as 
are the paths of stars, nevertheless, and 
the girl who enters for the first time the 
door of her classroom is, as it were, atmos- 
pherically made known her standing there. 
In a short time her little ship has found its 
current, her star its orbit, her being a place 
to manifest its gifts. 

These divisions, or circles, are three. Into 
the first two are drawn all the important 
girls of the class — the third is made up of 
the half-popular, the half studious, the un- 
important, unvital girls — fitted in no par- 
ticular sense to " play a part." You will 
find these three divisions in each class as 
you mount toward graduation, as well as 
in the school taken as a whole. In the 
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MOTHER AND DAUGHTER 

bottom layer of the third set collects a kind 
of sediment, the lazy, the worthless, the in- 
efficient. But of these we will not speak as 
they play no part worthy of consideration 
in the little drama of the school. 

The first circle — the popular girls, are 
girls, who, even from childhood are marked 
out to have careers. They are handsome, 
witty, vivacious, possessing charm and per- 
sonality. Riches have nothing to do with 
popularity in school life. No girl, however 
wealthy her parents may be, can buy pop- 
ularity. If she is popular it is because na- 
ture has fitted her to lead and for no other 
reason. 

It is the popular girls who lead the 
school. No matter how full of mischief 
they are, or how low their averages sink 
at the end of the year, they represent the 
spirit of the whole. They lead, dominate 
and influence the teachers, and create in a 
great measure the tone and standing of the 
school. 

To be a popular girl you must be able 
[98] ' 



THE SCHOOL GIRL 

to throw yourself into hasty friendships, do 
what the others are doing, be " game " as 
it were, for whatever is in the air, and be 
cautious of your speech. If you do not 
possess beauty and temperamental lightness 
of heart, you will probably find that you 
are not admitted into the first great set 
that rules your school. 

The second set, the students, are girls 
who are equally gifted, but not in the same 
way. They are girls of a different physical 
build, not beautiful, many of them sensitive, 
shy, unable to force themselves upon the no- 
tice of others. From these girls flows the 
steady light that keeps the school evenly 
balanced, and from them its real standards 
are set. To belong to the student division 
of your class it will be necessary for you 
to possess a good mind and have a real in- 
terest in your work. Though the teachers 
are influenced by the popular girls, they 
are supported by the students, and it is 
from the students that they gather inspira- 
tion to do their best work. 
[991 



MOTHER AND DAUGHTER 

It would be interesting to see the reunion 
at forty of a class of girls who had parted 
at eighteen. I feel sure that it would be 
those girls who belonged to the student class 
who would be found as women to be doing 
the best work in the world. Their minds 
were better fitted by school life to meet the 
problems of middle-age, and they were pre- 
pared while in school for the events of the 
future by acquiring balance and definiteness 
of purpose. 

Though you can not become one of the 
popular girls unless your vocation has been 
whispered over you in your cradle, it lies 
somewhat within yourself whether or no 
you are to be admitted into the student 
class. As one of the students you will 
stand in equal strength beside the most pop- 
ular girl in the class and exert an influence 
quite as lasting and probably in the end 
much more desirable than hers, It is worth 
trying for. 

The third class is made up of the great 
majority — girls who have no distinctive 
[100] 



THE SCHOOL GIRL 

gifts, and are unable to lead. They follow. 
Many of them will follow all their lives, 
and perhaps never realize that they have 
had omitted from their natures one of the 
greatest gifts of the human soul — personal 
power. 

This wonderful gift — personality — to 
which we find ourselves returning again and 
again, is at the root of all real success in 
school life. Be something yourself, do not 
be content to follow. Forge ahead, take 
an interest in all the affairs of the school. 
Think over the problems of your class, and 
when you speak have something real and 
vital to say. The silent girl will never be 
a power in the school. 

If it happens, when ycu get into the 
swing of school life, that you find you can 
not be one of either of the leading sets, 
and that you are destined only to be a fol- 
lower, at least be a true follower. If you 
have not the gifts which mark a leader, at 
least you can give your allegiance to the 
best side, and follow with a faithful and 
[101] 



MOTHER AND DAUGHTER 

disinterested effort all that those in com- 
mand put out as the School Policy. By 
doing this you will distinguish your medi- 
ocrity by the gift of faithful effort, and 
will make yourself important in the role of 
follower, for even the followers are divided 
and sub-divided by personal traits. To be 
an able follower, if that is the end your 
destiny holds out to you, is in its way as 
complete and efficient as to be a good leader. 
There must always be a host of followers 
to one leader. Dignify your following by 
making it intelligent, sincere, and faithful. 
Make every effort to overcome shyness. 
Force yourself out of the too-ready shad- 
ows of that background always occupied 
by the neutrals. 

What is the one thing above all others 
that you must have if you are to be a 
leader? It seems to me the quality of lead- 
ership is summed up in one trait — ability to 
interest. This too, is a mysterious gift of 
personality. It is magnetic, inexplicable, 
and, though it works in silence, forces the 
[ 102] 



THE SCHOOL GIRL 

allegiance and obedience of other souls 
Darkly and mysteriously does every soul take 
measure of every other soul, and in the si- 
lence of that swift unerring calculation the 
leading soul makes itself felt. It draws, 
interests, controls and commands souls pos- 
sessing less of its own strange gift. By 
right of this quality alone, it becomes a 
leader* 

The characteristics to cultivate during 
the priceless school days, so quickly, quickly 
over, are faithfulness to work, earnestness 
of effort, truthfulness toward school friend- 
ships and perfect candor in all matters 
whether of school or personal life; a sunny 
disposition, good humor and a willingness 
to give and take cheerfully, without ill-feel- 
ing. 

Above all, watch your tongue. Do not 
make unkind remarks or repeat gossip. You 
are sure to be found out and punished. 
Girls are so quick to feel and show scorn. 
Be true. Be true to yourself, and to those 
girls whom you take to be your intimate 
[ 103] 



MOTHER AND DAUGHTER 

friends. No quality will stand you in bet- 
ter stead than this one of truth in all that 
you do or say. Be open. Look your 
friends and teachers squarely in the eye 
and show them that you have a clean rec- 
ord behind you. Humor, truth, good faith 
g — these qualities which will help you so 
much in your after life are trained and cul- 
tivated at school. An untrue school friend 
will probably be a faithless wife. A tale- 
telling student is sure to be a gossiping 
woman, a girl who stoops to do an under- 
hand act when at school will not forget the 
trick in after years. 

Lack of personal truth, however one is 
tried, and in whatever position one finds 
oneself ; all methods, not quite " square " 
of gaining good marks, tale-telling and 
bearing ill-will — these are characteristics 
particularly to be avoided if you would be 
a power in the school You can never win 
the coveted place of influence and import- 
ance if you possess even the smallest trace 
of any one of them, 

[104] 



THE SCHOOL GIRL 

How well I remember the popular girl of 
my own school days. She had a slim lit- 
tle waist, beautiful shoulders, wavy hair 
which hung down in a thick bronzed plait 
and such an aristocratic nose! How we fol- 
lowed the latest style as shown by her ar- 
rangement of her hair ribbon, the way she 
wore her watch, the length of her skirts ! 
But as I look back on it now, I am sure that 
it was not this girl's beauty and magnetism 
alone that gave her the position of leader 
in every new class as she entered it — it was 
the sweetness of her disposition which 
showed itself principally in the strongest 
characteristic of her nature from which I 
never knew her to depart — an unwilling- 
ness, however pressed, to say an unkind or 
critical word of anyone. I believe it is to 
this quality far more than to any of her 
remarkable natural gifts that she owed her 
popularity in school and her marked suc- 
cess in after life. 

Whether you are leader, student, or fol- 
lower, fight clear, at whatever cost, of the 
[105] 



MOTHER AND DAUGHTER 

little meannesses of school life. Do not 
snub a weaker girl, do not tell tales, inter- 
fere with discipline, spoil friendships ! Re- 
member that many girls suffer abnormally 
from sensitiveness ; they can be crushed by 
a look, made miserable for days by an un- 
kind word, tortured by a personal affront. 
Arrogance, meanness, false pride, insincerity 
— these traits, unfortunately, are rampant 
in school life, sowing broadcast misery and 
despair in the hearts of those who are too 
sensitive and delicately nurtured to rebel. 
There is much suffering among schoolgirls, 
where the cruel words and unkind looks of a 
few vain selfish natures continually wound the 
weak. Try to realize that sweetness, court- 
esy, candor of nature and little kindnesses 
of speech and expression mark the gentle- 
woman in all phases of her life, and that as 
a schoolgirl she must be particular to show 
herself in all things and at all times true 
to her highest natural capacity and gifts. 



[106] 



VIJI 
BOY AND GIRL 



" Women should be conservators of all that is re- 
strained, chivalrous, and gentle. Whatever men may 
be themselves, they like gentleness, purity and modesty 
in act and thought in women/' 

— Hardy. 

" Character is exceedingly malleable; as iron is 
shaped by rollers and hammers so are we by the pres- 
sure of companionships/' 

— Ludlow. 



VIII 



BOY AND GIRL 




I DO not for a moment de- 
lude myself into the belief 
that any one of the girls 
who happen to read this 
(chapter will take seriously 
one word that I have to say upon the 
subject of her boy friends, for upon this 
subject the average girl is as impossible to 
influence as a balky pony! In neither case 
is chastisement or persuasion of the least 
avail! However, without flattering myself 
that she will voluntarily show any interest 
in what I say, perhaps, if she will but read, 
some thoughts, like the unconscious grain in 
the unconscious soil, may work in her the 
miracle of growth. 

I am heartily in favor of boy and girl 
[109] 



MOTHER AND DAUGHTER 

friendships. I believe that the more nice 
boys a girl has around her the better it 
is for her. I say nice boys, because the 
type of boy a girl is able to attract is one 
of the most important things that can hap- 
pen to her. I think girls need boy friends 
in order that they may enjoy a healthy 
natural development. But the boys must be 
nice, and how can girls always tell? 

There are many little ways in which a 
girl can learn to observe for herself, and 
many little points to notice which help her 
greatly in deciding the true worth of each 
boy who seeks her friendship. One of the 
first things to ask, is, what of his standing 
among other boys? What does her own 
brother think of him? If a boy is unpop- 
ular and stands alone, without a single 
friend to back him up, be prepared to find 
some serious faults in his character. 
Though this may not always be the case it 
is a general enough truth to be a valuable 
guide. 

Then let her look at the boy's surround- 
[110] 



BOY AND GIRL 

ings. What of his home, his parents, his 
life when away from her? If he has a fine 
manly father and a sensible mother she will 
be running a very small risk indeed in ac- 
cepting his friendship at once. If, on the 
other hand, his parents are known to be 
shiftless and his home-life not what it should 
be, the boy is more likely than not to bear 
upon his nature the stamp of their fail- 
ure. Though some boys develop splendidly 
who have the most worthless parents, the 
characters of such boys need careful study 
before they are found worthy in all respects 
to become the friends and companions of a 
gently-nurtured girl. 

She had best be careful of the boy who 
does not speak frankly and openly to her 
mother and father, and who is ill-trained in 
the little courtesies of life. These things 
are innate, and should show forth in a boy, 
in spite of awkwardness and even if he has 
not had any social advantages. 

Remember that in the hands of women 
and girls lies to a great extent the educa- 

[in] 



MOTHER AND DAUGHTER 

tion and cultivation of men and boys. Even 
the nicest boys are often shy, boorish and 
without the sense of what is right to do or 
say. Girls should realize that it is greatly 
in their hands whether or not these same 
boys grow up to be cultivated gentlemen 
or whether they are allowed to carry their 
boorishness into manhood. Boys can im- 
mediately be influenced by the manners and 
speech of the girls they go with, particu- 
larly if they hold within them through 
heredity the instincts of the gentleman. 

Often girls allow entirely too much free- 
dom of speech and action when in the com- 
pany of boys, from a false notion that the 
boys would resent criticism and perhaps 
withdraw their friendship. This is an en- 
tirely mistaken idea. There is an innermost 
desire, lurking in the heart of every boy, to 
be made a slave by the girl he admires. He 
wishes her in every way to fulfill his ideal. 
If he finds she does not do this he is disap- 
pointed — even though far too loyal to admit 
it. He does not really want to be allowed 
[112] 



BOY AND GIRL 

any license, even though he may try to ob- 
tain it, and he is quick to admire in a girl 
the ability to " get the better of him," as it 
were, and hold him in check. I believe that 
a boy never gives his true allegiance and 
best self to a girl who is unable to assert her 
own dignity. 

There is always a ridiculous amount of 
nonsense going on between girls and boys 
that of itself comes to nothing serious one 
way or the other, but the girl loses nothing 
— in fact, believe me, she gains every time — * 
when she knows when to show the little touch 
of hauteur which reduces the boy at 1 her side 
to a state of silence and unutterable admira- 
tion. It is possible to do this in t"he most 
frank and intimate friendships. It in no 
way denotes the prude or prig. It is, in 
fact, the only way in which the girl can keep 
herself on her pedestal. She did not climb 
upon it of her own free will, but having been 
placed there by her friend, short indeed will 
be her reign unless she knows how to guide 
and control the tone of his intimacy. 
[ 113 ] 



MOTHER AND DAUGHTER 

To Have the ability to judge character is 
one of the most valuable traits a girl can 
possess. This can be acquired in no way so 
promptly as by beginning in girlhood to dis- 
criminate between the boys who come into her 
life at different times. The priceless gift 
of insight needs cultivation at every turn, 
and to come to its strength it must be used. 
Do not accept every boy that turns up re- 
gardless of his true worth. Discriminate, 
discern, choose. Without insight and dis- 
crimination woman is too often the dupe and 
tool of man. With it she sees with "true 
inwardness " and draws to herself only those 
souls who possess qualities valuable in her 
eyes. 

The pretty girl and the plain girl have 
each very different problems to meet when 
arriving at the boy age. All boys flock 
around the pretty girl as naturally as bees 
around a honey jar. It is only when boy- 
hood is left behind that the girl who has 
something to say is admired. When boys 
first begin to go with girls, it is instinctive 
[114] 



BOY AND GIRL 

in them to seek the pretty face. Thus it is 
that the pretty girl has boys around her be- 
fore her hair goes up and her skirts go 
down, and she has a greater problem than 
the plain girl, for the quality of her quart- 
tity is not at all assured, and she has to 
choose her friends promptly and with keen 
judgment lest her standard be lowered by 
allowing boys of indifferent manners and 
morals to count themselves among her 
friends. The beautiful woman needs a quick 
sense of judgment and ability to delineate 
character far more than the plain woman, 
who is not admired by every man whether 
he be worthy or unworthy. The pretty girl 
needs to be very firm in her choice of friends, 
and to set a high standard, for unless she 
thinks of this and excludes promptly from 
her circle all boys who do not come up to it, 
she will soon be overcrowded by a host of 
undesirable admirers, who will gradually 
pull her down to their level^ and corrupt her 
ideals by continually confronting her with 
theirs. 

[115] 



MOTHER AND DAUGHTER 

The plain girl is not usually troubled 
very much by admirers until she begins to 
have something to say. Then she receives 
her innings, and if she is clever often far 
outdistances her pretty friend, by her breezy 
wit and easy sparkling conversation. She 
attracts a type of boy who is worth some- 
thing, because she appeals not only to his 
eye but to his mind. His admiration is 
founded upon what she really is. and not 
upon what she appears to be. The plain 
girl has fewer friends, but as a rule stronger 
friends, finer friends, and more pleasure in 
her friendships. The lower class of boy who 
always flocks after beauty, leaves her reli- 
giously alone, therefore she is spared the 
annoyances and trials that always accom- 
pany his admiration. 

A plain girl, if she has wit and person- 
ality, will have a better time in the long run 
than the girl who has little beyond her pret- 
tiness. She will have her friendships estab- 
lished on a sure foundation — admiration of 
her personal qualities, and she will find that 
[116] 



BOY AND GIRL 

the boys who seek to be her companions are 
boys of character, brain, and purpose. 

I wish it were possible for girls to see their 
" salad days " just once from the time of 
riper judgment. How such a vision would 
guide them in their course! Human experi- 
ence, however, w like the stern lights of a 
ship at sea, illumines only the path which we 
have passed over." So, unfortunately, we 
must all go through the " salad days " (and 
we would not grow up without them for the 
world) relying only on our own judgment, 
getting through the critical period as best 
we may. But there is one word I would say, 
begging a hearing of all girls still in their 
teens : do not do anything in these precious, 
delicious, wilful " salad days" to tarnish the 
beauty of true love, and defraud it of its 
majesty when it comes at last to take your 
life into its holy keeping for all time. Choose 
as many friends as you want, see them at all 
reasonable times, but have a barrier and 
make them feel it. Keep your nature, even to 
its uttermost depth, pure for the man you 
[117] 



MOTHER AND DAUGHTER 

are to love, whose wife you will Ikie day be 
I firmly believe that the ability to love, and 
the quality of the love one finally gives as 
a woman is decreed in girlhood by the friend- 
ships and intimacies which at that time do 
so much to form and influence the ideals. 

Do not let your boy friendships — fleeting 
affairs of the hour as they are — presume to 
touch your inner life, which life, with all 
its mysterious development and wonderful 
growth, you must keep sacred if you are to 
have a worthy love to bestow when you are 
a woman. Do not ape at love. Do not let 
the precious gifts of love be exchanged in 
the " salad days,' 5 when, green in judgment, 
you may be quite unaware of the majesty of 
the laws you are transgressing. 

All that you go through in the "boy 55 
stage is necessary to your development, a 
natural phase, highly advisable in many 
ways. In passing through it you slowly 
find yourself and emerge a woman, with a 
woman's perfect love to give. Keep your 
girlhood's stainless garments close about you 
[118] 



BOY AND GIRL 

and your soul as fresh and innocent as it 
was in childhood. This is quite possible if 
you set your price high, and maintain a 
sense of your own worth by showing strength 
of character and firmness of will in all early 
relationships. An inexplicable little dignity 
of manner is all that a girl needs to shape 
and guide the advances of the roughest boy. 
And how the admiration of such a boy grows 
for the girl who dares and has the sense to 
use it! 

There are no circumstances in which it is 
justifiable for a schoolboy to talk of love to 
a schoolgirl. Boy and girl friendships are 
only harmful when they ape the grown-up 
passions, and I think it is reasonable to say 
that a boy who would attempt to force any 
loverlike actions or conversation upon a girl 
still at school and entirely unprepared to 
meet any of the great questions of life, 
should be distrusted and his advances dis- 
couraged at once. A boy and girl friend- 
ship to fulfill its function of broadening and 
developing character, should be built on 
[119] 



MOTHER AND DAUGHTER 

•trong, sensible, healthy lines and as much 
as possible to avoid personalities. All that 
is high and noble in a girl should instantly 
resent the approach of a boy in any guise 
but that of a plain and simple friend ; as such 
she may accept l^im gladly as one who shares 
and contributes to the happiest moments of 
her life. Together they can learn much of 
each other and of the great world outside 
their present limited horizon. Together they 
prepare each other sweetly and uncon- 
sciously to live well the life of sacrifice and 
devotion each will be called upon to take up 
when in after years they find their true mate. 

"Who is the happy husband? He 
Who, scanning his unwedded life, 
Thanks heaven with a conscience free, 
•Twas faithful to his future wife." 

This little verse is quite as applicable to 
woman as it is to man, and I believe there 
can be no clearer, happier note in all the 
rare chord of perfect love than that which 
proclaims the conscious gift of an innocent 
[120] 



BOY AND GIRL 

girlhood, that precious gift which the bride 
gladly lays at the feet of her husband as the 
true measure of her worth. 

And what about chaperonage? Girls are 
so intolerant of this once necessary function, 
that mothers, aunts, and older sisters find it 
almost impossible to impose it upon them. I 
can only say emphatically, that an unchap- 
eroned girl proclaims loudly her own ig- 
norance as well as that of her parents. To 
go to a restaurant, to places of amusement, 
on all-day excursions alone with a man or 
boy, or to be seen on the street after dark 
without an older person is to be careless in 
one of those matters of conduct which pro- 
claims a lady and shows knowledge of the 
world. Of course public opinion regulates 
to a great degree the amount of chaper- 
onage required in different localities. There 
are always in each town or village families 
who take the lead in questions of etiquette, 
and set by their example, the standard of 
living for the community. I can only say 
follow them. Be one of the careful girls, 
[121] 



MOTHER AND DAUGHTER 

not one of the lax. And after all, why is it 
your mother does not want you to go to 
places of public amusement relying only on 
the protection of a " boy friend "? It is not 
because she does not trust you or because 
she thinks you are in any real danger; it is 
because she wishes to make you valuable in 
the eyes of your friends, to put a great price 
upon you before the world, to proclaim to 
everyone the care with which she is trying 
to conserve in you all that is pure, chaste, 
and innocent. 

There is no sight more fraught with men- 
ace to the welfare of the coming generation 
than that of the over-dressed, insolent, gum- 
ehewing girls of sixteen, who, with their 
shiftless followers, frequent (unchaperoned) 
the cheap places of amusement in our towns. 
From the marriage of such couples is sure 
to arise the diseased, incompetent moral- 
weaklings of the future. 

A girl of the type I have just described, 
unprotected by her mother's restraining 
presence, is at the mercy of the first foolish 
[ 122] 



BOY AND GIRL 

boy who shows her attention. Her defenses, 
naturally weak, go down even before they 
are assailed, and a hasty marriage, mis- 
guided love, or a deserted and broken heart 
are too often the result of these ill-judged 
and unprotected intimacies. In many cases, 
had the mother insisted upon accompany- 
ing her daughter in the evening, rather than 
submit to the chaperonage, the girl would 
have received her visitors under her father's 
roof, which is, in reality, the only place 
where she should be allowed to enjoy the 
companionship of men alone. 

It is in youth that the dangers of unchap- 
eroned intimacies assume such proportions. 
Later on, when the mind and body are fully 
developed, there comes a self-control and 
balance of judgment that helps a girl to 
choose her pleasures wisely. As she grows 
older, her knowledge of herself and of the 
world make it possible for her to gradually 
dispense with chaperonage under almost all 
conditions. 

Be tolerant, therefore, of chaperonage 
[123] 



MOTHER AND DAUGHTER 

while you are young. Submit to it, and 
realize that your mother's presence sets, as 
it were, your price in the eye of the world. 
She guards her treasure, and it is her first 
desire to keep it safe. Not safe for selfish, 
interfering, or personal reasons, but safe be- 
cause the conservation of the next genera- 
tion is at stake, and because each girl pro- 
tected from the dangers of girlhood, and led 
through them to a healthy, normal, and in- 
nocent womanhood, is an influence of un- 
speakable magnitude in shaping the destiny 
of her times. 

Above all, do not allow any one friend to 
consume all your time. An experienced cler- 
gyman once told me that in his opinion the 
practice of " keeping company " was the 
greatest evil he had to contend with. Ac- 
cept all your friends on the same plane, be 
polite, kind, and friendly with each in the 
same degree. Though you will have your 
own preferences, be too much a woman of 
the world to let others see. Do nob allow 
any boy to feel that he has a " right " over 
[ 124] 



BOY AND GIRL 

you, that your time and favors belong ex- 
clusively to him. It is folly to do this, and 
proclaims very little " savoire vivre." 

Do not say " my friend " is coming to see 
me to-night. Instead say " one of my 
friends." When you are old enough to 
marry, and feel that you have chosen your 
future husband, do not allow any half and 
half measures. Be engaged in an open out- 
and-out manner. Tell your friends, your 
family, and do not grudge the binding of 
yourself before the eyes of your community. 
This is the only upright and proper way to 
conduct your affairs. " Keeping company," 
having " a friend," curtails your freedom, 
yet gives you none of the dignity that be- 
longs to an affianced bride. Until you have 
accepted a man as your future husband, 
speak of him only as one of your friends, 
and never allow other men to feel that his 
monopoly of you is an accepted fact until 
it is published broadcast and admitted be- 
fore the world at large. 

I wish I could speak with such force that 
[125] 



MOTHER AND DAUGHTER 

every girl would be compelled to hear me, 
upon what I consider the dangers and ab- 
surdities of " keeping company." The tacit 
allowing a man the privileges of an accepted 
suitor, yet admitting that the contract is in 
no way binding to either party, is danger- 
ous to the proper development of the moral 
sense, and the curtailing of healthy freedom 
and intercourse with many boys and men is 
dangerous to the proper development of the 
entire personality. The absurdity of a girl's 
position, who, though she speaks of a cer- 
tain man as her " friend," and receives the 
attentions of no other, is not bound to him 
in any possible way, must be apparent to 
any thoughtful student of human conditions. 
This state of affairs leaves a tempting loop- 
hole for either person to desert or be dis- 
loyal to the other. Unfortunately this loop- 
hole is too often made the means of a dis- 
honorable escape from a bondage that has 
become unwelcome. When the attentions of 
other friends have been discouraged it is par- 
ticularly sad for the girl (it is she who is 
[126] 



BOY AND GIRL 

generally deserted), for she finds herself 
completely alone, with her youth and its op- 
portunities for forming relationships gone 
forever. If the engagement had been bind- 
ing, agreed upon by all mutual friends, it 
would have been more carefully considered 
at first, and not discarded except of dire 
necessity when once a solemn and accepted 
fact. 

Would that every girl could fulfill by her 
life and personality these words of Steele: 

" Yet though her mien carries much more 
invitation than command, to behold her is 
an immediate check to loose behavior ; and to 
love her is a liberal education." 



[127] 



IX 
ENERGY 



" Work while you have light, especially while you 
have the light of morning/' 

— Ruskik. 




IX 



ENERGY 

INERGY is the power by 
I which we accomplish things. 
Without energy progress is 
impossible, with it neither 
I obstacles nor limitations pre- 
vent us on our way. It is one of the first 
signs of health. With it there comes a tin- 
gling glow of mental and physical rapture, 
unbounded possibilities to expand, advance, 
create ! 

Ruskin says there are only two sins — ■ 
idleness and cruelty — but I think idleness is 
not often a sin of girlhood. Rather do we 
meet with sins caused by misspent energy. 
The danger in idleness is that it allows 
the destructive energies to grow unchecked 
{ 131 ] 



MOTHER AND DAUGHTER 

by the balance which a proper cultivation 
of the protective energies maintains. These 
protective energies, so important to the de- 
veloping character, are encouraged by doing 
thoughtful, intelligent, and unselfish work in 
the world. When these energies do not 
grow, because of idleness, there is in their 
stead an accumulation of unemployed force 
which sooner or later finds expression in sin. 
To try to repress energy in a girl is the 
surest way to lead her into temptation. An 
unemployed mind is unbalanced and will, un- 
fortunately, be eventually attracted by sin. 

Ruskin goes on to say in his " Sesame and 
Lilies " (which I wish every girl would read 
and learn to love, particularly the chapter 
on Queen's Gardens), in speaking of the 
training and use of the energies of children : 

" You may chisel a boy into shape as you 
would a rock, or hammer him into it if he be 
of a better sort, as you would a piece of 
bronze; but you cannot hammer a girl into 
anything. She grows as a flower does — she 
will wither without sun; she will decay in 
[132] 



ENERGY 

her sheath as a narcissus will if you do not 
give her air enough; she may fall and defile 
her head in' the dust if you leave her without 
help at some moments of her life, but you 
cannot fetter her." 

We cannot fetter her — she grows as a 
flower does — yet we must be near at hand 
with help at the very moment of her need! 
How can we meet these opposite require- 
ments? Only by giving her perfect freedom, 
and the watchfulness of an understanding 
love. Such a love never sleeps, and it rec- 
ognizes as one of its first duties the neces- 
sity of finding an outlet for her energies. 
She must be taught how to use them, and 
to profit by them, that she may be their 
master, not they hers. 

What I have called the protective ener- 
gies may be divided into two classes: physi- 
cal and intellectual. One developed at the 
expense of the other produces a limited char- 
acter. Proportion is what we want, energies 
developed side by side so that there may be 
a balance in the end. Proportion — the se- 
[ 133] 



MOTHER AND DAUGHTER 

cret of Greek art, the whole substance and 
form of Gothic art — is what is so sadly 
needed in the architecture of character, par- 
ticularly the character of woman. We see 
girls, who in their energy for study, forget 
that they have bodies. Having failed to 
feed the physical energies, they find in the 
end that they must pay a toll from the very 
mind for which they have made such sacri- 
fices, for it comes to its growth handicapped 
by a weak and deficient nerve and blood sup- 
ply. The school or college athlete is just 
as likely to forget that she must study. She 
is in the same way handicapped and illy pre- 
pared to meet life. Her energies, good in 
themselves, lack balance. Health, mental, 
moral, physical, is the crown of perfected 
womanhood. There is no way to attain it 
except by faithful use of all the energies for 
the furtherance and development of char- 
acter. 

Let us take a closer look at a few of the 
energies, and see how they may be made 
protective, 

[134] 



ENERGY 

At the point where childhood and girlhood 
meet the energy uppermost is animal spirits. 
Animal spirit is the unthinking expression 
of pure joy; it is the safety valve of op- 
pressed nature. Directed, it makes for the 
beauty of the body, the strength and fervor 
of the intellect. Repressed, or discouraged 
in a girl, it results in her " doing something 
bad," or at least unadvisable. When you 
feel this beautiful sense of joy in you, use it 
to enrich yourself in some way. Develop 
your body by taking long walks, or, if pos- 
sible, join a physical culture class or gym- 
nasium. Remember that the priceless en- 
ergy of pure animal spirits is only yours to 
enjoy in youth, andj that it is given you for 
the express purpose of urging and impelling 
you onward to physical perfection. The 
repression of the force will result not in get- 
ting rid of the energy, but in its misdirec- 
tion and reappearance in an unworthy and 
possibly a harmful way. 

Probably the next activity you will feel 
will be a talent of some sort that leaves you 
[ 135 ] 



MOTHER AND DAUGHTER 

no rest until you answer its call. This en- 
er gy> a lso, is given just at the time when 
by employing it you will achieve the best re- 
sults. It is clearly right, if possible for you 
to arrange your life so as to comply with 
its demands. To waste the activity when it 
first appears is to block it off and perhaps 
lose it forever. To employ the gift, or tal- 
ent, is to use the energy in the way in which 
you were intended to use it. The result will 
be happiness, progress, development. To 
create is the ardent desire of all souls. To 
try to create is the nearest possible joy to 
the great joy itself. 

Another desire which you may feel as you 
begin to grow up, is the wish to be of use in 
the world, to help the downtrodden and suf- 
fering in some way, however feeble. Many 
girls feel a great energy in them to do some- 
thing of this kind. But it is distinctly un- 
advisable for young girls to go into the 
slums or work among the criminal classes. 
Though the purity of the girl herself may 
be a great example to the degraded, I can- 
[136] 



ENERGY 

not feel that such work is hers to do. Her 
inexperience of life makes it impossible for 
her to advise the fallen, and her ignorance 
of sin precludes the possibility of her help 
being of substantial value. What she can 
do, and what every girl should do, is to be- 
gin near at home with some poor family 
known to her parents and help it by giving 
such assistance as she can, To sew for the 
children, to advise them in their problems, 
and to help by gifts that are within her 
reach — a little work of this sort regularly 
done will train a girl to do a larger work 
when she is older. It needs experience to 
go among the poor. By doing a little work 
in her own community she will fit herself to 
be useful in a larger field. Think of the 
improvement there would be in social condi- 
tions if every girl over fifteen would take 
upon herself, under proper direction, the su- 
pervision and betterment of one poor family ! 
Some girls, not all, feel in themselves the 
energy to acquire knowledge. Many never 
experience this desire, but to some it comes, 
[137] 



MOTHER AND DAUGHTER 

with overwhelming force, even as a dazzling 
light. Know that this energy, should you 
feel it, is the beginning of your mental life. 
Seize upon its first whisper, and feed it as 
you would a priceless flame. Without the 
desire to know, you can accomplish so little. 
With it there is no height to which you can 
not climb. But you must climb, unfortu- 
nately you can not hope to fly. 

When you first hear the promptings of 
this energy, follow its suggestions without 
delay. It may be upon looking up at the 
heavens that your mind has its first awak- 
ening. If you feel the desire to know some- 
thing about the stars do not put the wish 
aside, ask at one of the libraries for a simple 
book on astronomy and read it before the en- 
ergy within you has become dissipated. You 
will in this way open one of the closed doors 
of your mind, and you will find that it opens 
into limitless space filled with possibilities 
and blessings. Or you may wish to know 
something of a king, a queen, a hero, a per- 
son, a period of history. There are so many 
[138] 



ENERGY 

readable bopks to be had on all subjects of 
common knowledge, that by using the en- 
ergy as soon as it makes itself felt you will 
find that before long your spirit is thor- 
oughly awakened, going out more and more 
frequently to meet with other spirits who 
all have their immortal messages to give. 
Ruskin says of books : " There is a society 
continually open to us of people who will 
talk to us as long as we like, whatever our 
rank or occupation — talk to us in the best 
words they can choose, and of the things 
nearest their hearts. And this society be- 
cause it is so numerous and so gentle, and 
can be kept waiting round us all day long 
(kings and statesmen lingering patiently, 
not to grant an audience but to gain it) 
in those plainly furnished and narrow ante- 
rooms, our bookcase shelves — we make no 
account of that company, perhaps never 
listen to a word they would say." 
When we do want to listen to their words 
then is the time to give them the opportu- 
nity to v speak. Probably there is no greater 
[139] 



MOTHER AND DAUGHTER 

happiness in the long run than that which 
grows out of the energy or desire to know, 
properly cultivated and intelligently fed. 

There are few girls indeed who have not 
said at some time in their lives, " I wish I 

knew something more about ." This is 

the energy first making itself felt. Its des- 
tiny is thereafter in your own hands. Two 
paths are open to you. You may either 
stifle the impulse by saying, " But I have 
not the time," or else you may say instead 
" I not only wish to know, but I will know," 
and immediately set to work to carry out 
your intention. By doing this you feed 
the energy. By following the other course 
you repress it with the usual result that it 
becomes misdirected, probably leading you 
to enquire into all sorts of subjects much 
better left untouched. 

Curiosity is one of the most useful of our 

energies if we only follow it in an earnest 

spirit. It is the greatest stimulant we have 

to, the acquirement of knowledge. Without 

it we would probably get a very short dis- 
L140J 



ENERGY 

tance in the intellectual life. It is an en- 
ergy that will crop up again and again, and 
it will be healthy or morbid according to 
the use we make of it. The eternal " why " 
of childhood is reiterated in adolescence, and 
the passion of curiosity, for it is a passion, 
must be recognized as one of life's great 
forces. Satisfy your curiosity on any sub- 
ject, through books, older persons, teachers, 
physicians, priests. Accept your knowledge 
through no other sources, or a life-time will 
not be long enough to hold your regrets. 
I believe that the healthy normal curiosity 
of a girl should be fearlessly satisfied on 
any of the great questions of life, but re- 
member, let it be through one of the sources 
I have just mentioned. Do not degrade the 
noble energy of yotir being, curiosity, by 
any less worthy means of satisfaction. 

I have not said anything as yet about 
" having fun." Fun is a necessary energy, 
useful, advisable, helpful, and every girl 
should have it. The only danger of fun 
is that where there is too much of it the 



MOTHER AND DAUGHTER 

cry soon follows, " I have nothing to 3o." 
Fun, unfortunately, has quick limitations, 
and to be blase, bored and satiated by it 
are the inevitable results where there is too 
much. Fun, as a relief from work, and as 
a counteracting force to hard study, is nec- 
essary. But I believe that there will be lit- 
tle happiness in the heart of the girl whose 
first thought in the morning is, " What fun 
can I have to-day? " Never let yourself get 
into this state. The results of it are piti- 
able. Always have some work, some inter- 
est, some endeavor, first, and then plenty 
of good wholesome fun afterwards. 

And now a word about the destructive en- 
ergies. You may feel at times that there 
are quite as many undesirable energies 
within you as there are desirable ones. These 
may tempt you to do some evil, to lead a 
life not strictly pure, or to act in ways not 
at all times according to your better nature. 
You may ask the question, " What shall I 
do with these ? " I can only repeat that I 
believe most undesirable impulses (and all 
[142] 



ENERGY 

girls who are worth their salt will meet with 
them) are the result of the lack of employ- 
ment, idleness and repression of the better 
energies. 

If your life is spent in earnestly follow- 
ing out the dictates of the best that is 
within you, the evil promptings will soon be 
crowded out and die of simple starvation. 
Therefore learn to be busy, and to work at 
some interesting and profitable work. Re- 
fuse to be idle, and do the very best you 
can, every day, in little things. This is a 
sure way to dispel and overcome destructive 
energies. 

Self-control, prayer, and direction are 
needed in every life. If in addition to these, 
the systematic employment of all useful en- 
ergies could be secured there would be fewer 
temptations to do wrong, and very, very few 
giving way to such temptations. And 
understand that a girl may be working eight 
hours a day in a factory and yet be idle 
in the way I mean. It is the cultivation of 
the mental and moral natures by doing 
0143] 



MOTHER AND DAUGHTER 

thoughtful, intelligent and unselfish work 
that develops the protective energies. 

To sura up these thoughts I would say 
that whatever useful impulse arises within 
you, employ it at once. Do not let it lie 
fallow for one hour. Such impulses are the 
immortal seeds of your being. Plant them, 
tend them, and the crop will be no less than 
your spiritual nature, that nature which will 
bear your soul up in its pure hands and enjoy 
with you the unspeakable bliss of immortal- 
ity, or, in the beautiful words of Thoreau, 
seek " some absorbing employment on your 
higher ground — your upland farm — whither 
no cart-path leads, but where you mount 
alone with your hoe — where the life-ever- 
lasting grows; there _you raise a crop which 
needs not to be brought down into the val- 
ley to a market ; which you barter for heav- 
enly products." 



[ 144 ] 



YOUR FRIEND 



,e A friend is a person with whom I may be sincere. 
Before him I may think aloud." 

— Emerson. 

"For the highest use of friends, one rule must be 

observed: get from them the best that they can give 

. draw the wine of conversation from the top, 

not the bottom of the cask, for every one has some 

dregs in his soul" 

"Friendship takes place between those who have an 
affinity for one another, and is a perfectly natural and 
inevitable result. No progressions nor advances will 
avail." 

— Thoreau. 



YOUR FRIEND 




AM sorry for the girl who 
has not known what it is to 
have a best friend. Of all 
joys, this joy is perhaps the 
sweetest that can come to 
her in all the length and breadth of life. 
My friend! It warms the heart only to see 
the word in print. 

It is usually between sixteen and eighteen 
that she comes. She comes, as do most of 
the events of life, at the very age in which 
we are best fitted to receive her — we are 
prepared for her advent by all the changes 
that are taking place within ourselves, 
changes that demand adventure and experi- 
ence. We want to know people and see 
things not bounded by the four walls of 
home. This, the legitimate desire of all 
[147] 



MOTHER AND DAUGHTER 

awakening spirits, is strong in the girl of 
sixteen, and with the glow of it in her heart 
her nature demands, not friends, but a 
friend. 

The advent of the friend is the end of 
childhood. Toys are packed up and put 
away forever. With a slim store of new 
emotions, young, but anxious to grow, the 
youthful spirit starts out in quest of ad- 
venture, eager to search for the meaning of 
life. Self has awakened, and self, tyrant 
of tyrants, has a great need. That need, 
so sweet, so fresh, so beautiful, is for some 
one upon whom to spend the enthusiasms 
and energies of its nature. Thus the way 
is opened for the friend, and lo ! she comes. 

But how shall we know her? " She is 
she — I am I," this is the great reason of 
reasons. Self-elected — and this is the only 
way the friend can come — we stand up be- 
fore each other, unashamed of the new de- 
light, only eager to make come true in our 
lives the best that it has to offer. Schiller 
says, " no one has a double in friendship." 
[148] 



YOUR FRIEND 

So the friend when she comes will take a 
certain position in your life never to be 
filled by anyone else though you may live 
to a great age and come to know many peo- 
ple. The friend is unique. You may think 
you are easily able to fill her place, but it is 
not so. You can never replace her, or give 
her influence to another. This is why it 
is so important to pause and think for a 
moment before you give her your treasure. 
If you are to know the highest form of 
friendship you must love your friend for 
qualities which she has within herself This 
is the only safe rock upon which to build. 
You may love to be with her, she may flatter 
you, please you, listen to you, but if you 
rely upon these pleasant traits only, and 
shut your eyes to her deeper characteristics, 
you must not be surprised if you find your- 
self disappointed when some test of what 
she really is arises between you. Try to 
understand her. It will pay you well in 
the long run to know just what quality you 
are building your hopes upon. 
[149] 



MOTHER AND DAUGHTER 

I heard a woman of thirty once say that 
her whole life had been embittered by an 
event which happened to her at sixteen. She 
had a friend whom she loved and in whom 
she had absolute confidence. One summer 
her vacation was spent with her friend at a 
summer resort. She arrived a week or so 
after the friend had become established, 
eager to meet the boys and girls of whom 
she had heard so much. What was her dis- 
may to find that her friend was entirely pre- 
occupied with her new interests. She was 
quite left out, hardly noticed by the " set " 
her friend had formed, and of which, hand- 
some and vivacious, she was the leader. The 
woman assured us that she would never for- 
get the blinding sense of rage, disappoint- 
ment and misery that filled her heart. She 
then laughingly told us that she had thrown 
herself into the competition with such en- 
ergy that she soon became leader of a rival 
set. At the end of the season she was the 
popular girl, she was the leader, and she 
had all the attention! But she never for- 
[150] 



YOUR FRIEND 

gave her friend, who came to her* afterwards 
in tears to confess her fault. "At least," 
she said, " I forgave her, but I never loved 
her again — I could not. And I think my 
two worst characteristics — love of power 
and lack of faith — were born and developed 
their hold over me that summer." 

So you see by a little story of this kind, 
which probably has had repetitions in many 
lives, how important it is to know your 
ground before you give yourself. " Judge 
before friendship and then confide till 
death." In this case a little more thought 
at the beginning would probably have re- 
sulted in the withdrawal of confidence in the 
first instance, for, as after experience proved, 
this friendship was ill-judged, and the girl 
was entirely unworthy the devoted affection 
she had used so unkindly. 

Remember, however, that your friend is 
not perfect. She is only human, and it is 
quite possible for her to be suffering from 
an equal sense of disappointment in your- 
self, See that you have earned fidelity be- 
[151] 



MOTHER AND DAUGHTER 

fore you cry out that you are deceived. The 
superficial disappointments and little trials 
of friendship are nothing, if underneath it 
all there is strong love, faithful adherence, 
one to another, and the desire to be a good 
friend. These qualities so knit the friends 
together that their love is strong enough 
to bear any strain that comes to it ; with- 
out these qualities it will crumble away 
on the first day that it is tried, leaving 
disillusions, unbelief and bitterness in its 
stead. 

The girl who comes at sixteen to remain 
by your side always, must have something 
to hold your love. You must not receive 
her unless she comes with the serious side 
of her nature in full view, willing to give 
you all she has, asking a like gift from you. 
There may be many friends, but only one 
friend, and we know her by this very gift 
of all that her nature holds supreme. This 
gift of self is the very highest gift one 
human being can receive from another. 
Many people live their entire lives without 
[152] 



YOUR FRIEND 

bavins: once been able to draw it from an- 
other soul. 

Therefore, if this power has been given 
you, and you have a friend, you can not 
be too prodigal of your gifts, for she must 
absorb your nature, as you must absorb hers 
if the friendship is to grow to proportions 
which can satisy the need of a life-time. 

But what influence will such a friendship 
have upon you? some older person may sug- 
gest doubtfully. 1 repiy unhesitatingly, 
that if you enter it in the right spirit it 
will help you in a hundred different ways. 
I can not conceive of such a friendship be- 
ing a hindrance. Every awakening nature 
needs someone to receive its confidences. But 
(the same person may again suggest), why 
not tell these new and interesting experi- 
ences to your mother? When mother and 
confidant can be one it is ideal, but, un- 
fortunately, this is not the situation We 
most often meet with in real life. There 
is a natural reason for this, which in no way 
destroys the relationship of mother and 
[153] 



MOTHER AND DAUGHTER 

daughter. It is the unalterably different 
point of view, which only the most sympa- 
thetic nature on the mother's part, can 
overcome. The young girl, budding into 
womanhood, has her eyes fastened upon a 
Hill-Country very far away, and her heart 
beats to a music which the older woman 
fails to hear. This is, in fact, the only pos- 
sible happening where the young life is in- 
dependent and eager for the realization of 
its inner hopes. She is experiencing for the 
first time the sweet sense of her awakening 
life, and she can not drink the cup of joy 
with one who has long ago drained the last 
drop and cast the cup away. The mother's 
touch, however tender, is not the touch she 
needs. 

But the friend understands all the light 
and shadow that plays upon its brim, and 
together they drink the sweet innocent 
draught, which has no aftermath of pain, 
oblivious of everyone and everything but 
their own new sense of joy in belonging thus 
mysteriously to one another. The friend 
[ 154] 



YOUR FRIEND 

crowns our childhood and by her side we 
first begin to be. 

The friend has a very practical use. By 
talking to her we learn to understand our- 
selves. By talking to her we elucidate be- 
fore our own eyes the problems of which we 
are thinking so much. To give sympathy 
is the great function of the friend. The 
sympathetic listening one friend can give 
another is of the greatest service to both. 
She listens, she understands, and after we 
have talked it all over we feel that we have 
seen and touched new things. It is upon 
such feeling as this that we expand and 
grow. As the new thoughts, mysteriously 
at work within us, gradually undermine our 
earlier point of view we have her love on 
which to lean, and we come safely through 
the shocks and changes of the reconstruction 
period, safe into the calm and puissant 
woman's life together. 

When she comes, you must realize your 
duty to her. In the first place, give your 
friend the same entire confidence you expect 
[155] 



MOTHER AND DAUGHTER 

oi her. Refuse absolutely to criticise, or to 
hear her criticised. You must be true to 
her with all the deeps of your nature, in 
word and deed, standing by her through 
doubt and in adversity, helping her to lead 
her life worthily with every power you pos- 
sess. You must understand what an influ- 
ence you will be to her. With the power to 
satisfy her need of sympathy, and give her 
happiness, comes also the power in many 
ways to form her ideals. Probably no in- 
fluence in her life will be as strong as yours. 
Never use that influence for anything but 
for the best that you know. If you enter 
the pact of friendship sincerely, loving her, 
wishing to be near her, longing to share her 
life, allowed to know her inmost thoughts, 
you will be preparing for yourself a great 
joy. Such a friendship ripens as the years 
go on, and provides, when you become a 
woman, a strong defense against the trials 
and disappointments of the world, and a 
continual well-spring of pure and satisfying 

j°y- 

[156] 



YOUR FRIEND 

Is this ideal of friendship not too high, 
you suggest? Do not friends meet, join 
hands, and love, merely to have a good time 
and to enjoy themselves? This is' true, they 
do, and you will have many such intimacies, 
but to approach that friendship which is to 
be one of the great influences in your life, 
you must have ideals. The higher your 
ideals, and the more you strive to reach 
them, the greater will be your ultimate re- 
ward. You receive back into your own 
heart only in the same proportion as you 
give out from it. If you lower your stan- 
dard of friendship you will receive exactly 
as you give. Your return will be a friend- 
ship mediocre, uninteresting and imperma- 
nent. What we give we get. If you give 
thought, first to the choosing of your 
friend, then to the way in which you take 
her into your life and the quality of what 
you give, you will find that your ideals, 
high though they may seem at first, are 
none too high. 

But do not make the mistake of think- 
[157] 



MOTHER AND DAUGHTER 

ing that this pearl of great price can spring 
into perfection at one bound. Friendship, 
once felt will not continue unless effort is 
spent to feed the flame. Offerings must 
be made of kind thoughts, unselfish acts, 
faithfulness of word and deed. " A stone 
is many years becoming a ruby. Take care 
that you do not destroy it in an instant 
against another stone," said the wise old 
Saadi. The " other stones " may well be 
named jealousy, criticism, unkind words, un- 
worthy actions. How easy for any of these 
" other stones " to crush the ruby which if 
guarded will be so priceless an ornament to 
our lives. Our friend should receive the 
same tolerance and love we give ourselves. 

Shakespeare says : 

" The friends thou hast and their adop- 
tion tried; grapple them to thy soul with 
hoops of steel, but do not dull thy palm 
with entertainment of each new-hatched, un- 
fledged comrade." 

And Matthew Arnold, with the touch of 
[158] 



YOUR FRIEND 

divine sadness which is in all his poetry, 
speaks of the friend thus : 

" Ah, friend, let us be true 
To one another! For the world which seems 
To lie before us like a land of dreams, 
So various, so beautiful, so new, 
Hath really neither joy, nor love, nor light, 
Nor certitude, nor peace, nor help for pain; 
And we are here as on a darkling plain 
Swept with confused alarms. . . ." 



[159] 



XI 
fTHE HAPPINESS OF OTHERS 



" Since trifles make the sum of human things 
And half our misery from those trifles springs, 
Oh! let the ungentle spirit learn from thence, 
A small unkindness is a great offence. 
To give rich gifts, perhaps, we wish in vain 
But all may shun the guilt of giving pain." 




XI 

THE HAPPINESS OF OTHERS 

HE finest characters are 
Soften the most self-centered 
|in youth. The very force and 
Idepth of nature which after- 
jward develops so perfectly is 
hard and green and crusty at the beginning. 
A superficial character smiles and wins its 
way to every heart, while the struggles that 
a strong nature must undergo, make such a 
nature difficult to understand and hard to 
know. 

The first shoots of a noble nature have al- 
ways to appear amid difficulties. Selfish- 
ness, like a kind of worm, is waiting to nibble 
at every green leaf as soon as it is seen. 
And to be selfish is to be lonely. Being self- 
centered, however, is quite a different thing 
[163] 



MOTHER AND DAUGHTER 

from being selfish. Let us look at the two 
a little more closely. 

To be self-centered is to lead an inner life 
which your family, possibly, does not share. 
It is to have dreams, aspirations, thoughts 
which cause your heart to sing with joy, 
which are your very own. To live an en- 
cloistered life is a trait peculiar to girlhood, 
and the nature that has been through such a 
period usually opens in after years with 
abundant riches garnered during the time 
of silence. The danger lies, not in being 
self-centered, but in the possible encroach- 
ment of selfishness. I would have every girl 
fight the enemy of selfishness as she would 
fight a living and ever present foe. But I 
would also allow her a few years in which 
to be self-centered if it helps her to "find 
herself." She must spend these years in 
learning to control her forces. She will come 
into close quarters with life, and grow to 
understand the mysterious being which she 
must direct. How can she ascertain all these 
things if she is not self-centered, at least to 
[164] 



THE HAPPINESS OF OTHERS 

a certain extent? Once she has looked her 
soul fairly in the face and become master of 
herself, she forgets to be self-centered. It 
is only a phase. Yet too often parents bit- 
terly condemn that which is a transient char- 
acteristic — a characteristic which has many 
points of usefulness besides. 

There is one thing, however, which a girl 
must bring herself to realize, even during 
the self-centered phase, and this is her im- 
portance to the lives of others, and her ef- 
fect upon their destiny and happiness. From 
the time she is a little girl she has a duty 
toward other people. In family life, at 
school, at play, her personality makes itself 
felt in every word, in every action, She will 
become either a sweet and peaceful influence, 
or she will enter as a whirlwind, scattering, 
disturbing and creating unrest. 

" Jane is a splendid woman," said a friend 
of her trusted maid, " but whenever she 
comes near me she manages to say something 
that makes me feel uncomfortable." 

" You always rub me the right way, my 
[165] 



MOTHER AND DAUGHTER 

dear # " I heard a lady say to her little niece. 
" Whenever I see you I feel happier." 

These two persons possessed the traits of 
which I speak. One contributed to the hap- 
piness of her friends, and the other to gen- 
eral discomfort. 

If you feel that you have a tendency to 
say things that ruffle or annoy, try to over- 
come it at once. It is one of your clearest 
duties, and an immediate one, to make others 
happier. This you cannot do by flattery. 
Only sincerity makes kindness effective. Some 
persons seem to " clear the atmosphere " by 
their presence. These intangible, spiritual 
attributes instantly make themselves known, 
and they are quite possible to cultivate. 

Try to be one of those blessed persons 
who shed peace wherever they go. Think 
every day what you can do to make your 
home a place of rest, and the road easier to 
travel for those who walk upon it burdened. 
If you teach yourself to watch your father 
and mother you will often see anxieties 
traced in their faces of which you have no 
[166] 



THE HAPPINESS OF OTHERS 

conception. Try to ease their burdens a lit- 
tle by showing them love. Do not plant your 
nature in opposition to theirs. That is one 
of the crudest stabs a parent can receive 
and the hardest to recover from. Even if 
you think their wishes hard to comply with, 
remember that Will, the most glorious gift 
of human nature, is never more glorious than 
when it bends to authority, and that, by 
learning to obey, you are fitting yourself to 
command. 

Selfishness is shown at home by lack of 
consideration for the claims of others. You 
may show it in little things ;' for instance, by 
always choosing the best seat, the best light, 
the choicest kinds of food, the best room ; by 
demanding better clothes than the others ; 
and in a hundred various ways. In big 
things it is shown chiefly by an effort to 
crowd out the natures of your brothers and 
sisters so that yours may have space to 
grow. In many families there is a daughter 
who does just this thing. She tries to over- 
shadow r every other member of the family 
[167] 



MOTHER AND DAUGHTER 

and exacts a kind of service which they may 
give, but which they are sure to look upon 
eventually as an imposition. Such a girl is 
particularly hard upon her mother whose 
troubles and anxieties she complicates and 
who is often little better than her slave. Her 
mother's happiness is the last thought in her 
mind, and her own selfishness blinds her 
eyes to the care, toil, and weariness of 
others. 

In practical ways, what can a girl do to 
teach herself to contribute to the happiness 
of others? She can begin in no better way 
than by watching herself in the home circle, 
and by making certain sacrifices of self daily. 
She can help her sisters with their clothes, 
" do lessons M with the children, read aloud 
to her father, and above all tenderly watch 
her mother. A year or so of such service 
will bring a sweetness and depth of char- 
acter that will of itself be an unspeakable 
reward, 

I have heard girls say, " It is so hard to 
work for mother, she won't let me do things 
[168] 



THE HAPPINESS OF OTHERS 

my way, and I have to do everything as she 
wants it, — it is so hard. 55 

I can only say that the way to help your 
mother is to do things her way — not yours. 
Later on it will be your turn to try your 
own methods, but now, if you really want to 
help, run errands for her, fetch and carry for 
her, save her footsteps and bury all thought 
of self. 

At home, at school, at play, be kind. A 
sweet face and cheerful salutation does more 
than one would think in making for the gen- 
eral happiness of others. Nothing stabs a 
girl's heart to the quick as does a snub from 
a more popular girl. Remember this, and 
make for the happiness of your friends and 
schoolmates by cheerfulness, generosity, and 
kindness even unto the least. 

One thing about the girl who grows up 
selfishly, inconsiderate of the happiness of 
others is that she is not very likely to have 
a successful life herself. Particularly will 
this be true if she marries. An arrogant, 
demanding, selfish nature may dazzle a man's 
[169] 



MOTHER AND DAUCxHTER 

cj^e at first, but is not likely to bear well the 
inevitable strains and jars of matrimony. 
The children of such women are robbed of 
some of the sweetest aspects of home life. 
They never see the gentleness apd total aban- 
donment of self that knits some families so 
wonderfully close. They have to bear with 
the vagaries of a selfish nature, and must 
either forget themselves and become its slaves 
or else break loose and seek associations else- 
where. 

Unselfishness and care for the happiness 
of others are traits essential to the wife and 
mother if she would garner the full beauties 
of her estate. This does not mean self-ab- 
negation, for husband and children soon feel 
contempt for a too abject submission. 
Rather it is the keeping of self in hand so 
that at the proper time it willingly stands 
aside and lets other personalities secure their 
own advance unhindered. 

The egoist, who cares for nobody but him- 
self, has a burden to bear that grows heavier 
every day. Beside it, the burden of one who 
[170] 



THE HAPPINESS OF OTHERS 

struggles to make a family happy, and in 
the struggle forgets herself, is but a feather- 
weight. No sorrow is as gnawing and as 
unbearable as loneliness, particularly a lone- 
liness which one has brought upon one's self. 
Interest in other people, and care for their 
happiness, brings a sense of human sympa- 
thy and nearness to one's kind that opens 
the heart and peoples the solitary way with 
those who think of us in love. 

Nothing but the possession of genius, with 
the necessity to labor that accompanies it, 
is an excuse to live an isolated life. For us 
simple human beings the wider we can open 
our arms, and the warmer we can make our 
hearts, the greater will be our ultimate good. 
Rev. E. J. Hardy speaks thus of the happi- 
ness of others : 

"To foster with vigilant self-denying 
care the development of another's life, is the 
surest way to bring into our own joyous, 
stimulating energy. Bestow nothing, re- 
ceive nothing; sow nothing, reap nothing; 
bear no burdens of others, be crushed under 
[171] 



MOTHER AND DAUGHTER 

your own. If many people are miserable it 
is because they ignore the great law of self- 
sacrifice that runs through all nature, and 
expect blessedness from receiving rather than 
giving. They reckon that they have a right 
to so much service, care, and tenderness 
from those who love them, instead of asking 
how much service, care, and tenderness they 
can give." 



[172] 



XII 
RELIGION 



"Ask yourself, as we are told *ve should ask, every 
evening, what of Immortal have I done to-day?" 

" The strongest element in religion is the consecra- 
tion of ourselves to the best. The opening of the 
heart and mind to the best is *prayer 9 and it should 
be ' without ceasing' " 



XII 



RELIGION 




|T is important to form the 
i habit of religion, — the ear- 
lier the better. This may 
[sound crude, and someone 
[may ask what is the use of 
religion if it is only a matter of habit? 
But if religion is not made a< matter of 
habit in youth, it is not likely that much 
of it will be found in middle-age. Like 
education it can only come to its best in mid- 
dle-age after having been practiced as a 
habit in youth. " Every day of your early 
life is ordaining irrevocably for good or evil 
the custom and practice of your soul — or- 
daining either sacred customs, of dear and 
loveiy recurrence, or trenching deeper and 
deeper the furrows for seeds of sorrow." 
The habit of religion is formed in this 
[175 1 



MOTHER AND DAUGHTEE 

way;— First belong to some well established 
church, then go to its services as regularly 
as you go to school. Read some portion of 
the Scriptures every day, and try with all 
your power to put into actual practice the 
principles of life and conduct therein out- 
lined. Do this systematically, day after 
day, year after year, and in the end you will 
have formed the habit of religion. 

But this habit of religion, you say again, 
would it not be more beautiful arid helpful 
to wait until there is a distinct call of the 
spirit, and then obey it; wait until you are 
sure that the religious acts you practice are 
the direct results of a spiritual need? Un- 
fortunately the spirit has to fight against 
such odds in this world, and it is made so 
hard for us to hear its voice because of all 
the nearer voices, that unless the way is pre- 
pared by habit, it is likely to speak unheard 
so often that at last it does not speak at all. 
The very worst thing you can do in spiritual 
matters is jto trust to luck, or wait until you 
are inspired. Just take a practical exam- 
[176] 



RELIGION 

pie: If you want to learn to play upon a 
difficult instrument you do not wait until you 
feel inspired to practice. On the contrary 
you work for days and years against the 
grain and in the face of discouragement be- 
fore you are able to interpret upon the in- 
strument the kind of music for which your 
soul thirsts. This is quite as applicable to 
spiritual matters. To obtain the glow and 
comfort of the spirit when you need it, it is 
necessary to have given your allegiance for 
all those happy years when you were able to 
stand alone. You must use the spiritual 
powers constantly, if you expect to rely 
upon them in times of stress. Everything 
that is worth while must be given time, 
thought, loyalty, in a word be made "a mat- 
ter of habit in our lives ; spiritual things 
quite as much, if not more so, than material. 
But, would not all this practice of religion 
cloud a young girl's life, would she not be- 
come morbid, gloomy and unnaturally good? 
Let me answer this question by another: 
What is it that darkens this beautiful world? 
[177] 



MOTHER AND DAUGHTER 

Is it not Sin and Ignorance? All our suf- 
ferings come through the sin or ignorance, 
and often both, of ourselves or other people. 
Yet neither sin nor ignorance are compat- 
ible with a broad, healthy, enlightened Chris- 
tian life — therefore I say that religion if un- 
dertaken and practiced in the proper spirit 
makes for happiness and cheerfulness. It is 
perfectly compatible with a joyous life lived 
right in the world, and in no way forbids 
any form of innocent pleasure; on the con- 
trary, it can only really grow in a life that 
is normal, healthy, and capable of enjoying 
to the full all earthly delights. For proof 
of this, witness the joyfulness of St. Fran- 
cis, and of St. Catherine of Sienna — there is 
no joy more profound than the joy of those 
who are leading a pure, unselfish and de- 
voted life. 

Most of us find our religion ready made. 
We become, through environment, what we 
find our friends and family to be. It only 
remains for us to accept the truths, ready 
at our hand, and to make the religion of our 
[178] 



RELIGION 

parents live again within ourselves, and to 
express by our lives that we have done so. 

There may be girls, however, who find 
themselves without hereditary religion. To 
such a girl, I would say choose some well es- 
tablished church and give it your allegiance 
as soon as you are old enough to act for 
yourself. If you are ignorant, join one of 
its classes and ask for instruction. You 
will find helpers anxiously waiting for just 
such persons as yourself — ready to advise 
you at every turn, and to assist you to over- 
come your difficulties. Be very careful of all 
" new " religions. Though such sects may 
be good and helpful, their precepts have not 
been taught long enough to have been thor- 
oughly tried. It is safer to belong to one of 
the settled branches of the church originally 
established by Jesus Christ through His 
Apostles. Such a faith has stood the test 
of time. Thousands of good men and 
women have lived and died satisfied by what 
it taught. Its liturgy and forms represent 
the approval of the ages that have gone be- 
[ 179 ] 



MOTHER AND DAUGHTER 

fore. That it still exists, shows how neces- 
sary it has made itself to the human race. 
It has comforted and sustained those who 
believed in it, or it would soon have perished. 
Safe habits are not formed by experiment. 
Therefore, those great forms of religion that 
have shaped history, elevated mankind, and 
secured civilization for the world are the 
worthier of allegiance. 

But all said and done, the vital matter is 
not what church you belong to, but how you 
belong to it. In other words, it is the spirit 
that counts and not the letter. The impor- 
tant thing is to be true to your church — a 
whatever church it may be — to give it the 
support of your presence and devotion, to 
try to profit by all that it teaches, and to 
remain loyal to it in word and deed as long 
as you may live — this is what really matters 
in the long run. An indifferent worshipper 
in the best church will go out with not one 
added spiritual gift; whilst a girl thirsting 
after righteousness, may find it in a mass 
meeting on a street corner, 
[180] 



RELIGION 

To develop truly it is necessary to accept 
life peacefully and with trust. To do this 
we must believe that there is a ruling hand 
in all that we do, and that the hand is shap- 
ing us for our ultimate good. Resignation, 
calmness in disaster, faith when things go 
wrong — these, as the lives of the Saints 
abundantly show us, are the distinct attri- 
butes of the spiritual life. 

To believe that God is your father, that 
He watches over you and guides you, that 
He manifests His will in everything that 
happens to you, is one of the greatest com- 
forts you can have as you begin to meet the 
difficulties in your life. Not to feel this is 
to put your soul, in all its weakness, against 
the powers of the universe, and to rebel, to 
struggle, and to suffer with no hope in the 
future and no faith in the present. One who 
lives thus, knows the keenest mental suffer- 
ing, besides bringing uneasiness, apprehen- 
sion, and a like unbelief to countless other 
souls. How quickly spiritual unrest com- 
municates itself, making instant havoc in 
[181] 



MOTHER AND DAUGHTER 

other lives as soon as they come in touch 
with it. 

The set xorm of religion, which you may 
go through day after day, without once 
making it yours by spiritual experience, is 
necessary as a foundation, as a guide. The 
time will surely come, when trial and disap- 
pointment throws you back upon yourself — 
then it is that you will know your hidden 
strength. Religion should be sane, a matter 
of daily practice, a habit. Years of such 
habit give the mysterious inner strength of 
which I speak. When trials do come, it will 
be the first attribute of the Soul to put forth 
its power to support you in your weakness. 
A beautiful liturgy, with its same ever-re- 
curring words of daily comfort ! No sudden 
emotional flash of " religion " will ever take 
its place. 

Women, and particularly young girls, are 
open to the temptation of making their re- 
ligion emotional. This is a mistake. Reli- 
gion should never be allowed to draw the 
attention of others to its outward forms. A 
[182] 



RELIGION 

quiet exterior is what you should aim to 
possess, letting your faith show in works 
rather than in appearances. Many men 
have been turned away from religion by just 
such emotion manifested by the women and 
girls of the church. Of course men should 
have breadth of view sufficient to enable them 
to overlook such failings, and understanding 
enough to know that they are temperamental 
and superficial, in no way affecting the value 
of the church itself — but it is well to remem- 
ber the importance of example in religion, 
and do nothing that may make it harder for 
your friends to accept the truths which you 
have already taken into your own heart. 
Common sense and good judgment are just 
as valuable to religion as to the various other 
sides of life, and they must be used con- 
stantly to check emotionalism and control its 
tendency to outward display. It is ex- 
tremely doubtful if the emotional forms of 
religion, untempered and uncontrolled, are 
really making the ardent devotee as spirit- 
ually acceptable to her Lord as she would be 
[ 183] 



MOTHER AND DAUGHTER 

if she did her practical duty in her every- 
day life more completely. If we would grow 
spiritually we cannot afford to put aside 
the importance of our every-day life, for it 
furnishes us the material, and the only ma- 
terial, by the right use of which we fit our- 
selves for the world to come. 

Above all, never do anything in your reli- 
gion that is not perfectly sincere. I sup- 
pose the hypocrisy practiced by some Chris- 
tians has done more than any other one 
thing to drag down religion and make it dif- 
ficult for men to accept what it offers. Too 
often Christian people practice hypocrisy, 
using religion as a cloak to cover all their 
sins before the community. Christianity 
needs nothing more than it needs unqualified 
sincerity. 

Do not forget that your Christian life must 
be held in subservience to the practical life 
you have been called upon to take up and 
live worthily. I doubt if your religion could 
find a better field of expression than in just 
this simple one, of better daily living. So 
[184] 



RELIGION" 

many times I have heard a young girl criti- 
cised and her religion held up to dishonor, 
because she chose to make an ill use of her 
privileges. As, for instance, unfitting her- 
self for her day's work by attending early 
services, fasting, neglecting home because of 
what she called her religious duties. Reli- 
gion, church services, and church work are 
all compatible with a daily life full of cares 
and exactions. The time must be carefully 
planned, and nothing allowed to interfere 
with the right living of your home life, for 
this is your first duty, and you can develop 
your spiritual life in no way better than by 
performing it well. 

This is not a loophole, however, from which 
the busy girl can escape altogether from her 
religious life with a free conscience. The 
habit of religion, of practicing set religious 
principles, must be formed in youth in spite 
of difficulties and in the face of discour- 
agements of every kind. Right here in the 
world is the very best place in which to lead 
a Christian life — the saints all worked, and 
[185] 



MOTHER AND DAUGHTER 

Christ Himself did not despise the humble 
life of a carpenter. The dreamer, the re- 
cluse, the person who must reserve certain 
hours for daily contemplation of spiritual 
matters, is not as near sainthood, as she who 
cheerfully gives up these personal gratifica- 
tions and inner joys, and goes with happy 
face and sympathetic heart about the unat- 
tractive duties of a lowly life. 

We believe that the words of Jesus Christ 
are the only words which outline a correct 
form of living for mankind. To live well we 
must follow them. To follow them we must 
study them. To study them we must avail 
ourselves of the means directly at our hand, 
believing it to be the best and only means. 
This means is abundantly furnished by the 
various established forms of the Christian 
Church. 

By neglecting such study of the words of 
Christ as would enable us to live our life 
worthily, we evade the great responsibility 
of fitting our souls for the life eternal, 
which Christ tells us again and again we 
[186] 



RELIGION 

were created to inherit and enjoy. It is of 
vast importance, therefore, whether or not 
we accept the Christian life. Our decision 
has to do, not only with the temporal but 
with the eternal elements of our existence. 
It is a subject to consider from every side, 
and if possible to accept with the devotion 
and consecration of our entire being. 



[187] 



XIII 
SELF-CONTROL 



f Eternally guard the straits" 

— Thoreau. 



XIII 



SELF-CONTROL 




jWORD unspoken is like a 
sword in thy scabbard, thine ; 
if vented, thy sword is in 
another's hand." What a 
| sword of power is the un- 
spoken word! Those who know how and 
when to keep the sword in its scabbard have 
learned one of the most profound secrets of 
life. 

I would not have girls silent, yet I would 
have them consider what a danger there is in 
allowing themselves license of speech. Em- 
erson says : " A man cannot speak but he 
judges himself. With his will or against 
his will he draws his portrait to the eye of 
his companions by every word. Every opin- 
ion reacts on him who utters it." Each word 
[191] 



MOTHER AND DAUGHTER 

you say, even about the humblest of life's 
issues, does its little part in carving your 
niche in the minds of your friends, and self- 
control is essential if that niche is to be beau- 
tiful. 

Self-control is the hand-maid of Justice, 
and injustice is spoken of as the besetting 
sin of girlhood. To be " fair " is considered 
almost an impossibility for women. Why 
should this be? Women are emotional, of 
quick impulse, born to be partisans and to 
give heedlessly of self, but these qualities 
are in themselves beautiful. Is it not lack 
of self-control that dissipates them and turns 
them into weakness ? 

However we would like to think otherwise, 
dependability and justice are wanting in the 
make-up of the average woman. Women 
who possess them are signalled out and re- 
ceive peculiar admiration from the world. 
Why cannot more women live down the 
prejudice of centuries and prove by their 
daily lives that they are overcoming faults to 
which they seem, in a way, predestined — 
[192] 



SELF-CONTROL 

that they are to be depended upon and able 
to be "fair"? I feel that lack of self-con- 
trol is at the bottom of it all. 

How, then, can self-control be developed? 
Principally, I think, by exerting it in youth 
and by deliberately avoiding hasty judg- 
ments upon any subject. 

You often hear a girl say, " I hate that ! " 
and when you question her you find that she 
has no reasons to give why she hates, nor can 
she in the least define her dislike. Now this 
impulsiveness and warmth is so valuable a 
trait that I do not want to discourage it. If 
only the girl who is tempted to say, " I hate 
it," will control her statement until she has 
satisfied her own mind that her impression is 
reasonable and has a foundation ! Then let 
her speak out her hatred, with its cause, and 
thus " take sides " with the fervor woman 
must always exhibit if she is to develop 
happily. 

If girls would only realize the importance 
of stopping to think, fewer hasty and mis- 
taken judgments would be made, and fewer 
[193] 



MOTHER AND DAUGHTER 

unwise, unkind and unnecessary words 
spoken. 

You will often find that you take violent 
likes and dislikes to persons without any real 
reason. Control this tendency, for the force 
with which you are able to love, or hate, 
measures the strength of your enduring af- 
fections in after life. Uncontrolled this 
strength and fervor of affection will vitiate 
itself in trivial associations ; guarded and 
kept in check, it will be one of the greatest 
powers in your life. Do not allow yourself 
to say, " I cannot bear Miss A," " I simply 
hate Mrs. B." This is one of the very traits 
which has won for woman her reputation 
for injustice. Try to see the good in Miss 
A, or Mrs. B. If you cannot see it, say 
nothing. 

When you read a book, hear music, or 
walk through a picture gallery, keep back 
your sudden aversions and attractions, or, 
at least, control the expression of them until 
you have taken time to consider a little. 
There are almost always some good points 
[ 194] 



SELF-CONTROL 

in a picture, some beautiful themes in a 
melody, some fine pages in a book. Look for 
these, for their comprehension leads to tol- 
erance and sympathy. " Condemnation is 
non-comprehension " is a broad statement — 
but how true! To condemn proclaims too 
often only ignorance. Where all sides of a 
question are seen, all reasons for a situation 
understood, all personal weaknesses taken 
into consideration, there is seldom any room 
left for criticism. To understand is to for- 
give, but it takes sympathy, tolerance, and 
breadth of character to be able to see all 
sides of a question, and this, unfortunately, 
the nature of the average woman with the 
smallness of her outlook upon life has not 
yet achieved. To reach the enviable state of 
perfect tolerance, breadth of view, and bal- 
ance of character, woman must possess self- 
control, and to possess it she must practice 
it as a girl. It is self-control alone that 
will help her to form wise judgments, over- 
come hasty impulses, guide and restrain her 
efforts, and conserve her energies. Lack of 
[195] 



MOTHER AND DAUGHTER 

self-control is often at the bottom of the 
nervous affections of delicate woman, and 
too often it is the direct but unallowed rea- 
son for broken friendship, mistaken confi- 
dences, and unworthy attachments. 

In home-life self-control is indispensable. 
Not coldness or self-repression, but a cheer- 
ful setting aside of the personal, that the 
family as a whole may progress undisturbed. 
The girl who nags and scolds at home is 
probably no worse in big things than her 
sunny-tempered friend. Her nature may be 
finer, but she has not learned how to use the 
blessed help of self-control. A sunny dispo- 
sition is temperamental, and the girl who is 
cross may have struggles her cheerful friend 
has never known. Self-control, if she can 
only realize it in time, is all she will need to 
keep the sword in the scabbard and her 
power where it should be, to grow and be- 
come beautiful. Crossness is as much a habit 
as anything else. I know an only daughter 
who adores her mother, and yet she always 
speaks to her in an irritable way. This child 
[196] 



SELF-CONTROL 

has formed the habit of being cross. She 
may never be able to free herself from its in- 
fluence, for it has become fixed upon the lines 
of her face and in the tone of her voice. 

The impulses are so strong in girlhood 
that there is a special need for control. I 
believe much more in self-control than in 
coercion. I would rather have a girl win 
for herself in the battle of life by using her 
own tools, than that she should be guarded 
and guided by the strict rules of her parents. 
The father of six spirited girls always said 
to them after the careful discussion of any 
problem : " Now, my dears, I leave it to 
your own good judgment. I have shown you 
what I believe to be right, but you must 
make your own decision. 59 

In this way he cultivated justice and reason 
in his children. He seldom forbade them 
anything, but, after showing them all sides 
of the point at issue, he left the final decision 
to their own sense of right and wrong. This 
kind of leadership in family life, and the 
broad discussion of all problems, is far more 
[197] 



MOTHER AND DAUGHTER 

developing to the unformed characters of 
children than arbitrary rule, however kind. 
The six girls of whom I speak grew up to be 
women remarkable for the soundness of their 
judgment, a trait which they declare to be 
the fruit of their early training. 

Self-control has this valuable result, it 
gives a weight to our opinions, for people 
soon realize that we think before we speak. 
The man or woman you go to for advice is 
never a person who speaks carelessly and 
lightly upon important subjects. One of the 
first characteristics of a trustworthy person 
is discretion of speech. 

There is a certain brother in a large fam- 
ily whose word is always listened to with the 
greatest respect. As a matter of fact, it is 
his opinion that settles all questions of im- 
portance. I feel sure that this is because he 
never speaks on subjects of weight until he 
has something to say. He possesses insight, 
well-defined ideas, and sound judgment. How 
did he acquire these traits, so admirably 
qualified for success in life? By cultivating 
[198] 



SELF-CONTROL 

self-control from boyhood. It is this qual- 
ity which is the salt of his character. 

Girls are particularly open to the temp- 
tation of talking too much. I say this in all 
kindness, realizing that vivacity and exu- 
berance are among the most beautiful traits 
of youth. But youth soon loses its glamour 
in maturity. It is for maturity that we must 
work, for that time when the blossoms of 
youth and girlhood make themselves known 
as fruit. The fruit of womanhood is neither 
more nor less than the promise of the blos- 
soming-time, perfected. Therefore, though 
vivacity and exuberance may be sweet at six- 
teen, a talkative, excitable woman is quite 
the opposite. 

To be a good listener is much more impor- 
tant to the average person than to be a good 
talker. It is a mistake to think that it is 
necessary to be always " saying something " 
when among people. I know of no weari- 
ness greater than that of being a listener to 
forced conversation. The woman who knows 
when to be silent and is silent with intelli- 
[199] 



MOTHER AND DAUGHTER 

gence and sympathy, has made herself mas- 
ter of one of the subtlest arts of life. She is 
sure to be popular. A little good talk, and 
the silence of comradeship, are far more life- 
giving than the many words of the " bril- 
liant conversationalist " at her very best. 
Speech, Maeterlinck says, too often stifles 
and suspends thought. It is in the quality 
of our silence that we make ourselves known 
to one another. 

Remember that too much talk, too fast 
talk, and too conspicuous talk is unadvis- 
able, and will tend to make you unattractive 
and unpopular as you grow older. You may 
be " great fun " at sixteen, and only a bore 
at twenty-five, if you fail to control your 
speech and forget the art, the great art, of 
listening. 

In middle-age there is no characteristic so 
miserable and apparent as lack of self-con- 
trol. Without it a woman cannot bear phys- 
ical pain, cannot meet adversity, cannot give 
sound advice to others, cannot be depended 
upon to act consistently or wisely in any of 
[200] 



SELF-CONTROL 

the great issues of life. She has not learned 
to control her tongue, her judgments are in- 
effectual, her temper possibly violent, and 
her body wrecked by " nerves." 

You do not want to be that kind of a 
woman. Begin, therefore, to-day, this very 
hour, to cultivate self-control. Hold the 
fortress of Self as your most sacred posses- 
sion. "Eternally guard the straits." You 
will never regret it. And remember the 
watchwords of idealized womanhood — de- 
pendability — j ustice. 



[201] 



XIV 
RESPONSIBILITY 



'No action whether foul or fair 
Is ever done, but it leaves somevjherc 
A record written by fingers ghostly 
As a blessing or a curse, and mostly 
In the greater weakness or greater strength 
Of the acts which follow it." 

— The Golden Legend — Longfellow. 



XIV 



RESPONSIBILITY 




) HERE are two kinds of re- 
sponsibility . Responsibility 
toward others and responsi- 
bility toward one's self. I 
lam inclined to think that be- 
fore twenty, responsibility toward one's self 
is the greater of the two. After twenty, 
when one is doing one's real work in the 
world, so much effort is expended solely for 
the benefit of other people, that how one 
acquits one's self of responsibility becomes 
one of the great questions of life. 

I came ^across an interesting article the 
other day which told of the value of a cent, 
where all its energy is used. It seems that a 
cent, turned into electricity, can run a sew- 
ing machine for three hours, heat a flatiron 
for fifteen minutes, keep an electric piano 
[205] 



MOTHER AND DAUGHTER 

playing for an hour, raise a passenger ele- 
vator five stories, lift ten tons twelve feet 
high in less than a minute. These are only 
a few of the wonderful things a cent can ac- 
complish. And the reason why so much can 
be done with so little, is because every scrap 
of power the cent possesses, when turned into 
electricity, is used to a direct purpose, with- 
out waste. Thus the responsibility of the 
cent to give all it has, is fully discharged. 

Suppose we take this thought and apply 
it to life. Reckoning our power as a cent's 
worth, how are we fulfilling our responsibil- 
ity of obtaining its full equivalent of use 
either for ourselves or other people? It 
is our responsibility toward our " cent's 
worth " to get out of it every potential force 
for practical use of which it is capable. 
" But," you may say, " I have so little by 
which others could benefit, it seems hardly 
worth while to think of my little power as 
of any importance at all." If you have so 
little, it is of all the more importance to 
use that little to its utmost. If you had 
[206] 



RESPONSIBILITY 

much you could perhaps afford to waste it. 
Having little you must be all the more par- 
ticular to account for every way in which 
it is expended. The cent's worth is there — 
it is your responsibility to make it tell in 
the world. I will quote from the article 
itself: 

" The beauty of a cent's worth of electric 
power is that it can be applied as we have 
seen, in so many varied ways, from cooking 
steak to running an elevator. So with in- 
dividual power — it can take hold in any de- 
partment of life, and play its part; and it 
is the waste of the small powers, not the 
waste of great powers, that makes most of 
the waste of life. Geniuses always accom- 
plish something, even when they throw away 
their greatest chances. But those with lit- 
tle to use, must use it all intensely, deter- 
minedly; and waste nothing, or else be fail- 
ures ; and because so many shirk using their 
cent's worth, the world finds a thousand 
tasks undone, a thousand opportunities 
missed, every hour." 

[207] 



MOTHER AND DAUGHTER 

Realizing that no matter how young we 
are, we have our cent's worth, the next ques- 
tion is, is it being used? It has a power 
just as truly great as electricity or steam. 
Is that power being used to lift into place 
the blocks, mysterious, invisible, but real, of 
character? 

Let us look first at our responsibility 
toward ourselves, for by fulfilling it, we en- 
able ourselves to hold positions of helpful- 
ness and importance to others. Our great 
responsibility is to do the utmost with what 
powers we have. Not to live to the pres- 
ent only, but to think of the future. Not 
to waste time, for it can never be regained. 
To keep high the standards of every-day 
life, and to guard in ourselves every poten- 
tial good. We must be true to the best 
that we know. 

Our responsibility toward others may be 
divided into two parts, that which we owe 
to our home, and that which we owe our 
work. 

At home we are responsible for the keep- 
[208] 



RESPONSIBILITY 

ing up of our own end, we must stand ready 
to lend a hand to the weaker ones to main- 
tain the high standards of the home, and 
add to it by the constant gift of cheerful- 
ness and equability. The home needs fun 
and laughter, yet how many girls keep their 
attractive selves for others, and are cross, 
restrained, and silent in their own homes. 
Home needs the best you have. Curiously 
enough you will not find, by giving it, how- 
ever lavishly, that you have less for others 
i — rather you will have more. 

Our responsibility to our work, whether 
it be school or business, is to think first, not 
of what we can avoid doing, but of how much 
we can do. This spirit is really at the foun- 
tain head of all success. The " hanging 
back " spirit when shown in school, immedi 
ately puts us out of range of its greatest 
advantages, for by some mysterious force 
they flow only to those eager to receive them. 
In business, the hanging back of employees 
is often the cause and root of failure. 

In every home there is one on whom the 
[209[ 



MOTHER AND DAUGHTER 

rest depend. In every business there are 
certain persons who are picked out to do 
the important work. The principal quality 
of such persons is that they have been will- 
ing to meet responsibility. Sense of re- 
sponsibility is the most beautiful thing to 
see in a face. It is this inner light of earn- 
estness and intention to make the cent's 
worth do its utmost which carries a man 
or woman onward with a directness that the 
sluggard never obtains. Responsibility is a 
test of character. Almost every responsibil- 
ity that comes to us can be shirked, and it 
is in these openings, where decisions must 
be made, that character is formed. The 
very fact that the responsibility can be 
shirked gives the strength to the person who 
meets it squarely. 

Nothing weakens and dissipates character 
more surely than does a voluntary shirking 
of duty. To be the one on whom nobody 
relies is in the end to be a sad and lonely 
person. Frivolity, lightness of purpose, ir- 
responsibility, all may be attractive at six- 
[210] 



RESPONSIBILITY 

teen, but the shifting sand of such a nature 
is not likely to be a sure support for the 
true beauties of womanhood. To strive — 
this is to develop. To avoid and shirk — 
this is to be stationary in the great work 
for which we were created, character-build- 
ing. 

There are some young girls who seem 
weighted down with burdens and responsibil- 
ities for which nature surely did not intend 
them. Many girls have the duties of mother 
and housekeeper thrust upon them when 
they should be in school. I would only say 
to such girls that they have at hand the 
very stuff in rich abundance with which to 
make their characters noble. Though such 
a path is difficult, it affords all the material 
necessary for the most perfect self-develop- 
ment. If they can bring health, good spir- 
its and hope to their problems, every re- 
sponsibility bravely met will crystallize in 
them a moral jewel beyond compare. 

In outlining these thoughts on responsibil- 
ity, I would not have girls sad, depressed, 
[211] 



MOTHER AND DAUGHTER 

weighted down with a sense of the solemnity 
of life — I would only have them, among the 
hours of joy and laughter, to gather suf- 
ficient grace within themselves worthily to 
meet the crises of their lives. This grace 
can be gathered in no way so surely as by 
the right meeting of the little responsibilities 
of the day. To every girl will come crises, 
responsibilities — no one can escape them. It 
is for each girl to say individually whether 
she will come bravely out to meet them, and 
do her level best to acquit herself of her 
effort nobly, or whether she will look the 
other way, evade, shirk, and finally escape, 
having given nothing. And let me say that, 
in life, those who give nothing, may be rea- 
sonably sure of receiving nothing in re- 
turn. 

I have in mind a woman who spent her 
whole life shirking responsibility. At home 
she refused to take any active part, grow- 
ing up in voluntary ignorance of all prac- 
tical matters. She was so pretty and at- 
tractive that this was looked upon as an 
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RESPONSIBILITY 

interesting idiosyncrasy, and she was petted 
and forgiven. She would not study and so 
her education was meagre. She had a beau- 
tiful voice and a marked talent for music, 
but shirked the responsibility of practising, 
and so it was a wasted gift. When she mar- 
ried (and that type of woman always mar- 
ries) she did not look upon her new home, 
her husband, her only child, as in any way 
responsibilities. Instead she wasted time, 
wasted money, wasted love, and at last was 
virtually separated from her husband. Her 
parents died without having the comfort 
of her presence for she took upon herself 
none of the cares of their declining years. 
This woman shirked the responsibilities of 
a daughter, a wife, a mother; and what is 
more, she shirked a responsibility higher 
than them all, her responsibility to her im- 
mortal soul. She had spent her time making 
her life one huge monster of selfishness, and 
in the end it turned to rend her. If this 
woman had accepted the little responsibili- 
ties of her youth and the larger ones of 
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MOTHER AND DAUGHTER 

womanhood, in the spirit of love and service, 
how different would have been her career 1 

Let us look at a few practical ways of 
meeting responsibility. If you have a dif- 
ficult lesson to learn, meet the problem 
fairly, and learn it quickly. Hesitation, 
putting off, shirking, results not only in an 
unlearned lesson, but in a weakening of your 
ability to apply yourself. It will be more 
difficult for you to concentrate your mind 
the next time. Apply yourself faithfully, 
at once, for meeting your responsibility in 
that spirit you will be doing two things — 
learning your lesson, and, establishing self- 
control. 

If you are asked to do certain daily house- 
hold tasks, do not approach them as if they 
were things that " didn't matter " and with 
the intention in your heart of doing them 
as poorly as possible without being found 
out. Little responsibilities, if met in the 
same spirit as the big ones, have no small 
power over us. Whatever home responsi- 
bilities you may have, face them bravely, 
[ 214 ] 



RESPONSIBILITY 

cheerfully, and meet them with firm inten- 
tion to perform each little office, however 
trivial, to the best of your ability. Be thor- 
ough, not that it is of any vital importance 
how a bed is made, or a cup and saucer 
washed, but because the smallest duty faith- 
fully performed, has power to lift you up. 
The spirit in which you do each little thing 
is vital, and by bringing the higher instincts 
to the performing of simple duties, you glor- 
ify even the least. It is the spirit in which 
you work, not the work itself, that matters, 
for the spirit lives with your spirit, while 
the work is soon over and done with. 

If you have a talent, if you have any one 
of these rare sweet graces of personality, 
accept it as one of the most important re- 
sponsibilities of your life. Do not for one 
moment shirk it, waste it, neglect it. Give 
all you can of faithful work and grit and 
energy to fulfill your responsibility and 
beautify and enrich your nature by the de- 
velopment of your gift. To many girls such 
a course may seem impossible, for they lack 
[215 [ 



MOTHER AND DAUGHTER 

time, influence, and money; but the history 
of art, to speak paradoxically, is full of the 
surmountings of insurmountable obstacles. 

Your work, whatever it may be, will bring 
responsibilities with it every day. Meet 
them fairly, honorably. Be purposeful. Do 
not do your work in the spirit of " doing 
the least you can for the money." On the 
other hand accept your work as a means of 
self-cultivation. Do it in the spirit of ser- 
vice, for love, not for money, and you will 
be surprised how generously the very work 
itself will reward you. We all know the 
shop-girl from whom we can never buy. She 
has her prototype in all classes of workers. 
Be the cheerful girl who always sells and 
always makes the customer wish to return. 
Besides the fact of selling, she is also meet- 
ing the responsibilities of her work in the 
only spirit which assures her of a personal 
return, for she is character-building while 
she works. 

Does it sound far-fetched to say that 
friends also are a responsibility? Though 
[216] 



RESPONSIBILITY 

we do not want to spoil our pleasure in 
friendship by dwelling upon this phase, it 
is nevertheless true that how we meet our 
friends greatly influences their power over 
us, and through this our development. 
Friends are a responsibility in this way; we 
must be loyal, loving, ready to help, deter- 
mined not to hinder, understanding, toler- 
ant, forgiving. We cannot be so at all 
times to our friends, unless we accept them 
as a responsibility. If we think of them 
in this way, and try to meet their peculiar- 
ities in the spirit of an opportunity for us 
to exercise tolerance, we will grow with our 
friendships, developing and enlarging our 
spiritual possibilities every day. 



[217] 



XV 

CULTIVATION 



" To please our friends and relations we turn out 
our silver ore in cartloads, while we neglect to work 
our mines of gold known only to ourselves, far up in 
the Sierras, where we pulled up a bush in our moun- 
tain walk, and saw the glittering treasure. Let us 
return thither. Let it be the price of our freedom 
to make that known." 

— Thoreau. 

" The highest that we can attain to is not Knowl- 
edge, but Sympathy with Intelligence." 

— Thoreau. 



XV 



CULTIVATION 




T is not necessary to become 
a book-worm or a " grind " 
in order to be cultivated. It 
is necessary, however, to 
make a persistent choice of 
the highest and the best that your oppor- 
tunities offer. Do you realize what a great 
factor in your development this power of 
choice is? Every day you find yourself 
presented with innumerable opportunities 
to exert your will in the effort of choice. 
You must choose early in your teens be- 
tween vaudeville and true dramatic art 
rag-time and classical music, slang and 
pure speech, indiscriminate novel-reading 
and a knowledge of the best books, un- 
healthy excitement and the wholesome en- 
joyment of pure sport. By this continued 
[221 ] 



MOTHER AND DAUGHTER 

process of choice you gradually form within 
yourself the quality of " taste." If you 
are persistent in your choice of the best, 
you lay the foundation for a cultured 
womanhood. Mind, eye, and ear gradually 
accustom themselves to respond uncon- 
sciously only to the highest in art and nature. 
If you are satisfied with rag-time, slang and 
vaudeville you must be content to set the 
limitations of your development in accord 
with theirs. Your " taste " will be for what 
they offer, your mind, your eye, your ear, 
deaf to any messages but theirs. This 
choice must be made by everyone and it is 
the first, great choice of a girl's life. The 
" fate " about which she thinks so much is 
nothing more or less than the result, pre- 
destined and inevitable, of that choice. 

I wish every schoolgirl to realize that 
she may become cultivated without possess- 
ing any marked talents, that indeed gen- 
eral culture is particularly open to those 
of meagre gifts. " The fruit of cultivation 
is to be and not to do " and many so called 
[222] 



CULTIVATION 

" bright " girls have not taken the first 
step toward acquiring it, for it is in no way 
connected with forced brilliancy or preco- 
cious knowledge. It can only come after 
years of patient, faithful, adherence to the 
best that we can wrest from our environ- 
ment. Where a girl has great talent for 
any one thing she is quite likely to lose gen- 
eral cultivation in her desire to employ all 
her effort in one direction. The emotional 
whirlpool which surrounds a specially en- 
dowed temperament is destructive of gen- 
eral cultivation. But a receptive mind, al- 
though untalented, draws within itself virtue 
and understanding from a hundred different 
points, and gathers beauty and insight from 
situations, persons, books, that the more 
gifted intellect in its absorbing study of one 
talent, ignores and overlooks. 

It is not necessary, therefore, to do any 
great work, or even to have many accom- 
plishments in order to become cultured. Every 
girl has it within her power to become a cul- 
tured woman if she will but realize the im- 
[223] 



MOTHER AND DAUGHTER 

portance of choice, persistently and faith- 
fully setting herself to choose the best and 
highest in all the different phases of her de- 
velopment. 

I do not think, as children, that we are 
sufficiently taught the value and power of 
observation. To learn how to observe is ab- 
solutely necessary for those who would ac- 
quire cultivation. And after all nothing 
gives more pleasure than the ability to grasp 
detail. Far too many of us content our- 
selves with seeing only the obvious in life. 
The obvious, the superficial, the perfectly 
apparent, — these contribute very little in- 
deed to real cultivation. All richness of per- 
sonality comes from penetration beyond the 
obvious, from insight, in a word from intel- 
ligent use of the faculty of observation. 
This faculty, properly developed, is a fairy's 
wand which turns the level and dusty road 
of every-day life into a place of innumer- 
able visions. It offers a second life, and 
those who possess it know quick moments of 
insight, have clear judgments, and develop 
[224] 



CULTIVATION 

strong perceptive qualities that teach them 
to grasp situations and understand motives, 
gradually contributing a definite and ap- 
preciable richness to their lives. 

Sir Seymour Haden, the distinguished 
etcher, believed that power of observation 
was one of the first essentials of a success- 
ful life. He made a habit of training the 
faculty in his sons, often sending them out 
of the room and asking them to write down 
everything they remembered having seen 
upon a certain table or shelf. In this way 
he impressed them so distinctly with the im- 
portance of observing detail that each one 
admits it to have been one of the ruling in- 
fluences of his life. 

There is a characteristic which I think I 
may say is fatal to cultivation — it is that of 
hurry. Goethe's motto was " without haste, 
without rest. 55 Though we may not hope 
to become a Goethe by using his motto 
there is every reason for trying to work 
in its spirit. Hurry is the result of a poor 
method of work, a mismanagement of de- 
[225] 



MOTHER AND DAUGHTER 

tail. The people who are always in a hurry 
are usually conceded to be those who ac- 
complish least. It is well known of great 
statesmen and celebrated women that they 
always have leisure and can listen without 
impatience to the troubles of a friend. I 
am sure we can all think of persons who are 
continually found in a state of hurry, talka- 
tive, restless, apparently working very hard. 
It would be interesting to discover how many 
hours would be left for freedom and repose 
did a different kind of individual with 
method and decision of purpose, undertake 
to do the work of such persons. Do you 
remember the motto of the Red Queen in 
Alice in Wonderland — " Faster, faster ! " 
Do not let it be yours. Matthew Arnold 
suggests that man might do well to learn 
from nature the lesson of " toil unsevered 
from tranquillity " and that " to make haste 
without seeming to be in a hurry is one of 
the chief attributes of genius." 

If hurry is a characteristic that thwarts 
cultivation, the quality of repose is most 
[226] 



CULTIVATION 

conducive to its development. Repose is un- 
fortunately a most conspicuous lack in Am- 
erican girls and women. Try to remember 
this, and realize that it will add much to 
your power in the world if you can acquire 
the gentle charm of repose. Do not be 
shrill, nervous, agitating in your personal- 
ity. The basis of true charm is an inde- 
finable quietness. This sweet and gracious 
quality is the mark of real cultivation. It 
proclaims beyond dispute the aristocracy of 
the mind. 

We must remember that cultivation is a 
continued process. It must go through our 
entire lives. It cannot be accomplished at 
school, it can only be begun there. It is 
the flower of our suffering, the blossom of 
our joy. It is composed of all that we 
are, all that we do; everything that hap- 
pens to us must be made to contribute to 
it. It is the silent but compelling witness 
of the many times from childhood on, that, 
perhaps in the face of difficulty and dis- 
couragement we have chosen the best. 
[227] 



MOTHER AND DAUGHTER 

I should like to say a few words here about 
talents. It is in youth that we feel within 
us the first stirrings of hidden possibilities, 
and our very eagerness to find them out and 
make them " come true " sometimes misleads 
us in regard to their value. I, however, do 
not believe that any time is wasted which 
is spent in earnest effort to develop a talent 
5 — real or supposed. 

" Think of the money I have spent on her 
music," said a father whose daughter fol- 
lowed her husband to Alaska. 

"And she used to spend six hours a day 
painting," was the comment of a friend 
whose one-time companion was now spend- 
ing more than six hours a day in the 
nursery. 

A woman's future is so precarious. She 
cannot say with her brother's certainty, " I 
am going to be a lawyer, or a doctor or a 
business man." She may be called upon to 
support her old parents, to become the wife 
of a wealthy man, or to share the privations 
[228 ] 



CULTIVATION 

of a poor and struggling husband. Her 
lot may be cast north, south, east, or west, 
she does not know. I think all girls must 
have thought of this often. But, believe 
me, to sit still and wait for the future, pre- 
carious and unknown though it is, will make 
you a very unattractive, incapable woman. 

If you have a talent, or if you think you 
have one, cultivate it earnestly. The fact 
that you are giving your time, labor and 
devotion will in itself form your character. 

I believe every girl is the better for try- 
ing to study some art. It is the ability to 
concentrate effort, and to work effectually, 
that girls need to cultivate. That quality, 
once they possess it, can in after years be 
directed where they will. 

Because you have to work with small tools 
do not be dissatisfied. If your talent is 
small, spend upon it all the energies of your 
being. Not with the hope of achieving re- 
nown, but because, by such effort, you are 
forming priceless qualities within yourself. 
Be modest, unassuming and faithful in pur- 
[229] 



MOTHER AND DAUGHTER 

suing and developing your gifts. In the 
end you may have little harvest, but you 
will have had the joy of service known only 
to those who follow their star with earnest- 
ness of purpose, careless where it leads. 



[230] 



XVI 
THE WORKING GIRL 



"I am glad a task to me is given 
To labor at day by day; 
For it brings me health and strength and hope 

And I cheerfully learn to say, 
* Head, you mau think; heart, you may feel, 
But, hana\ you shall work alway." 9 

— Susan Cooudge. 



XVI 



THE WORKING GIRL 




I HAT real place has a grown 
I woman of twenty-five or up- 
I wards in anyone's else 
[home? " 

This somewhat startling 
question brings us face to face with the 
fundamental reason why so many women 
work to-day. It is because they feel that 
there is no place for them in anyone's else 
home. On realizing this, proud and inde- 
pendent, they prefer to face the world. 

It is impossible for any woman who is 
born into the activity and restlessness of 
this age of work not to feel an ambition 
within her which urges her on to do her 
share. She prefers to " work out " rather 
than to " rust out," and if she is not at the 
head of her own home, rather than occupy 
[283] 



MOTHER AND DAUGHTER 

the neutral shadows of that belonging to a 
tolerant relative, she undertakes some form 
of work, putting into it with unselfish lav- 
ishness all the capacity and strength of her 
nature. 

Some persons may think this a retrograde 
move in the development of woman, and that 
she should keep her activities restricted to 
the circle of the home. The fact neverthe- 
less exists that woman is no longer satisfied 
unless she is using all her gifts, and that, 
after youth is past, she finds little true 
contentment in any home save her own. 
Poor girls flock by the hundreds into mills 
and shops to find work which will make them 
independent. Their richer sisters who do 
not need to earn a living, expend themselves 
in philanthropy, art, music, teaching, pol- 
itics. Though a girl may be tied to a home 
that is not of her own making by the needs 
of aging parents or dependent relatives, she 
feels at the bottom of her heart that she 
has no business there, and it is the restless- 
ness born of that feeling which urges her 
[ 234 ] 



THE WORKING GIRL 

to fling herself out into the world, there to 
develop her usefulness without let or hin- 
drance. If she does not answer this natural 
call of her being for self-expression, she 
stays on in the home of her childhood, un- 
happy, — though she would die rather than 
confess it, — and at the core of her being 
unsatisfied. In such a situation the nearest 
she can come to contentment and inner hap- 
piness is to use her surplus energy in some 
form of self-improvement, or in an effort to 
make herself important and useful in art, 
literature, philanthropy, or religion. 

Charlotte Perkins Gilman speaks thus of 
woman's need for work and usefulness: 
" Some kind of work is necessary to all 
human creatures to use their powers; not 
mere tread-mill repetition of small useless 
things, but such range of action as shall use 
all the faculties. A human soul to be 
healthy must love and care for more than 
its own blood relations. . « . What a girl 
as a normal human being wants, is full exer- 
cise in large social relation, things to think 
[ 235 ] 



MOTHER AND DAUGHTER 

about, feel, and do, which do not in any 
way concern her home. The great lack 
which keeps girlhood unsatisfied (is) the 
call of the human soul for its full field of 
action — the world." 

Thus it is that the fields of action for 
woman, created by this inward need, are 
widening every day. There are more posi- 
tions accessible to her than ever before, and 
she is taking advantage of them with a 
promptitude and energy that of itself pro- 
claims their necessity. There are two classes 
of women who may be called " working 
women 55 inasmuch as they hold salaried 
positions of trust and equality with men. 
Those who work because they must earn a 
livelihood and those who work because the 
stagnation of a narrow environment has 
urged them out into the world. As both 
classes meet the same problems, as both find 
themselves alone in a world of hard facts 
and no preferences at the age when they 
are least prepared to confront it, as both 
must meet the demands of public life exactly 
[2S6] 



THE WORKING GIRL 

on the same footing, we will consider their 
problems together. Let us look principally 
upon the choice of work, for it is all im- 
portant, and at the spirit in which the work 
once chosen, should be done. 

The kind of work a girl undertakes will 
be one of the great formative agents in her 
life. It will be the channel into which the 
current of her whole development must 
swing. She will meet her friends through 
it, establish her position and worth in the 
community through it, and it will mould, 
color and gradually " set " her character. 
The kind of work offered is greatly depend- 
ent upon circumstances, but the choice of 
work should be entirely the result of natural 
capacity. It is a great mistake for a girl 
to undertake any kind of work for which 
she does not feel at the outset a decided in- 
clination and a sense of natural capacity. 
She should feel also that the work itself has 
something in it to compensate her for her 
time and that in the end will contribute di- 
rectly to her individual growth, 
[237] 



MOTHER AND DAUGHTER 

I know a girl who once found herself sud- 
denly and unexpectedly in the position of 
having to earn her living. Through the in- 
fluence of friends two posts were offered 
her. One, the position of companion to an 
exacting elderly lady, the other that of 
worker under an organized charity associa- 
tion for the betterment of civic conditions. 
The salaries being equal, all she had to do 
was to decide which work would contribute 
most generously to her development. She 
realized that the post of companion, though 
in a way a responsible one, would mean little 
actual work, much loneliness, a gradual nar- 
rowing of interests, and no real activity 
either of mind or body. The other work, 
hard and exacting though it was sure to 
be, would bring her into the closest rela- 
tions with human nature and she would see 
with her own eyes the very heart and sub- 
stance of life. Her sympathies, knowledge 
of the problems of existence, judgment, ca- 
pacity for prompt and efficient work, all 
would be satisfied and a distinct reaction of 
[238 ] 



THE WORKING GIRL 

helpful development would reach her through 
the daily exactions of her work. After 
much consideration she chose this form of 
work, and gave up her life to the fruitful 
and beneficent exertions of a social worker. 

This illustrates what I mean by the choice 
of work. A girl who had no thought of 
making the most of her nature would have 
chosen without hesitation the easy work, the 
work demanding the least possible effort 
on her part. A girl who, on the other hand, 
longs to realize the highest capabilities of 
her nature, instinctively turns away from 
work of this sort, and feels herself drawn 
toward a form of endeavor that will help 
her in the true finding, understanding and 
eventual usefulness of all her inborn gifts. 
And this is the kind of work that brings 
happiness with it. 

To every girl who is about to leave her 
home and begin life in the business world, 
I would earnestly say, choose only a form 
of work that will contribute to your devel- 
opment. Should this be absolutely impossi- 
[239] 



MOTHER AND DAUGHTER 

ble, and should you be forced to do mechan- 
ical and mentally unproductive work, refuse 
to allow your character to share the limita- 
tions of your occupation. Your mind need 
not be idle, even if your hands must do the 
regular and unvarying task. " Brighten 
mechanical work by putting poetry up be- 
fore you where you can learn it while tend- 
ing your machine; even dishwashing can be 
set to poetry ! " I know the stories of many 
girls, who, while they tended machinery, 
pinned around their wall-space verses, pic- 
tures and selections of prose which ennobled 
their minds while they toiled, and helped 
them to lead a higher life even while busied 
with the monotonous, personally unproduc- 
tive, demands of a machine. Read " New 
England Girlhoods " and see what Lucy 
Larcom has to relate upon this subject! 

Let me say one thing more about the 
choice of work. No matter how great the 
material gain may seem; do not undertake 
any kind of questionable occupation. If 
your position brings you in contact with 
[240] 



THE WORKING GIRL 

low persons, accustoms your ear to the sound 
of vulgar speech, or places you in an equiv- 
ocal position in the public eye, leave it at 
once. There are many such positions, par- 
ticularly in city life, where young girls, 
lured by the promise of high salaries, are 
made to contribute their fresh young faces 
to the promotion of schemes that are ne- 
farious. This is the possible danger all 
working girls must be prepared to meet. 
Though I would not have you suspicious 
of your employers it is quite possible 
to keep your eyes open and protect your- 
self, by using keenness of observation and 
good judgment, from becoming party to 
any meretricious forms of business. You 
can quietly slip away without necessarily 
giving your reasons, and thus keep yourself 
free from the entangling meshes of a work 
or business that you feel is not conducted on 
high-minded, open and honorable principles. 
If you allow yourself to be connected with 
such work you will wake up some day to the 
sad discovery that your speech has coars- 
[ 241 ] 



MOTHER AND DAUGHTER 

ened until it has become like that of your 
employers, that your nature has hardened, 
and that your sense of moral values has de- 
generated. The low standards by which 
those around you operate their work will in 
turn impress themselves upon you, and grad- 
ually, so gradually that at first you will not 
notice it, your nature will become infiltered 
by the low ideals and indifferent principles 
of your fellow workers. 

One of the greatest dangers which con- 
fronts the working girl is the possible losing 
of her higher self in the details of a busi- 
ness that chains her to low, unprincipled 
persons. 

A young stenographer once told me that 
though she had secured a very lucrative po- 
sition in a lawyer's office, she had felt com- 
pelled to leave it for the much lower salary 
of a private secretary, for the reason that 
the lawyer handled only divorce cases, and 
she had to take down such horrid testimony 
that her sense of decency revolted. She was 
not willing to have her belief in love, and 
[242] 



THE WORKING GIRL 

her delicacy in regard to what should be 
the privacy of the marriage relations un- 
dermined even for the sake of a high salary. 
How unbusinesslike, you say. Yes, how un- 
businesslike, from the point of view of 
money-gain, but how very businesslike from 
the point of view of character building, in 
which industry according to the investment 
of material only can the amount of inter- 
est be calculated. She was thinking ahead 
of herself as a wife, a mother, an adviser of 
other persons, an example of pure healthful 
womanhood — in this light how businesslike 
to insist upon investing her time — her one 
commodity — where it would bring her mind 
and heart returns, rather than her purse! 

Another girl who was bravely trying as a 
manicure to support her mother, was lured 
by the " tips " and large salary connected 
with a table in a fashionable barber shop. 
She only held the position for a few weeks, 
preferring a year of the utmost privation 
while building up a private trade, to the as- 
sociations she was forced to form, and the 
[ 243] 



MOTHER AND DAUGHTER 

conversations she was forced to hear while 
working at her little table in the barber 
shop. This is the type of girl, who, through 
her work, becomes a noble woman. Her 
work is the direct means of all her mental 
and moral gain. 

And now what of the spirit in which you 
do the work once you have decided what it 
is to be? Do it in the spirit of giving, not 
of getting. Of course good work should 
have good pay. But if work is done only 
for the pay there will be no higher gain 
than that of money. Work can be made 
to contribute to character, and all work 
should have as its first object the develop- 
ment of character and the gradual enlarg- 
ing and forming of the mind. As I have 
tried to show, this is the secret of all good 
work, to wrest from it a personal return, 
while paying it the necessary toll of service. 



[244] 



XVII 
THE UNMARRIED WOMAN 



"And if you love not, or are unloved, and can 
yet see with some depth of insight that thousands 
of things are beautiful, thai the Soul is great and 
life almost unspeakably earnest,, is not that as beau- 
tiful as though you loved or were loved? " 

— Maeterlinck. 




XVII 

THE UNMARBIED WOMAN 

(IFEHOOD and motherhood 
I are the ideal fields of devel- 
I opment for women, and she 
! can hardly come truly to 
| herself in any other, but if 
she is not called to her kingdom should she 
give up the fight and consider herself use- 
less and left out? Happily her fate holds 
no such pain, life is as full of experience 
for her as for her married friend. The fu- 
ture holds for her equal fields for action, 
equal possibilities for usefulness, and equal 
opportunities of leaving the world better for 
her having lived. Only let her remember 
that she cannot be effective as a spinster if 
she has lived a purposeless youth. 

There is a time in the life of every girl, 
usually between eighteen and twenty-five, 
which is most fruitful of possibilities. It 
[247] 



MOTHER AND DAUGHTER 

is the time to start things. In these years 
the character becomes fixed, and the point 
of view established. Few vital changes take 
place after twenty-five. There is, at least, 
a distinct foreshadowing then of all possible 
later developments — the natural potentiali- 
ties are well suggested and even outlined. At 
thirty woman is said to reach the full beauty 
and climax of her being. 

Therefore it is at eighteen and not at 
thirty that she should begin to prepare her- 
self for life. Yet at eighteen how great is 
the temptation to drift ! So great as to be 
almost insurmountable! Every young girl 
in her heart of hearts is waiting to meet 
her future husband, and recoils from effort 
which " when I am married " will bring no 
return. But suppose she does not marry? 
When she wakes up to the fact that she is 
to stand alone in life, is never to have a hus- 
band's arm to lean upon, or a child to love, 
it is then too late to gather the stray ends 
of character and accomplishment with any 
hope of knitting them into a substantial 
[248] 



THE UNMARRIED WOMAN 

support for the needs of her maturing na- 
ture. 

Woman cannot tell what she may be called 
upon to do, or what her future will be, but 
she need not wait for it. It will come to 
her quickly enough, and her part in the lit- 
tle drama of her life is to be able to meet 
it. This she will never learn how to do by 
drifting. Between eighteen and twenty-five 
her nature is most abundant of its gifts. 
Enthusiasm, (the motor-power of all ad- 
vance) faith, hope and daring are strong 
in girlhood and they are the qualities which 
help all effort toward definite) accomplish- 
ment. 

Think of this and do not forget that when 
you close the doors of school life behind you, 
you take your first step out into the world. 
Resolve that from that moment you will be 
something. Energies that lie fallow then 
will have a hard time to spring to life when 
they are needed, and need them you surely 
will, if ahead of you is the destiny of an un- 
married woman. 

[249] 



MOTHER AND DAUGHTER 

To speak plainly, cultivate your talents 
and accumulate interests in your life be- 
tween eighteen and twenty-five. It is not 
necessary to work, or to take a position 
which will be a means of support, unless 
this should be demanded of you by circum- 
stance. But there is always something wait- 
ing to be done along the lines of self-im- 
provement and self-development. It is time 
spent in this kind of effort that repays the 
woman who does not marry, a hundred fold. 

A mother once wrote in the front page 
of her rather flighty little daughter's diary, 
" Behold, now is the accepted time ; behold, 
now is the day of salvation." Unfortunately 
girls do not realize this. Instead they think 
their youth a period of fun and drifting to 
be culminated in a shining point of happi- 
ness " in the future." The future, to many 
a girl, never amounts to anything more vital 
or interesting than just a succession of such 
days as she is spending now. To many 
lives there has been ordained no climax, no 
very particular spot of brilliant joy. Soon 
[250J 



THE UNMARRIED WOMAN 

the fun and drifting becomes thin and un- 
profitable. After a time there is little fun, 
but the drifting, a habit hard indeed to 
overcome, continues. Eventually there 
comes a time when fresh effort can no longer 
hope to be terminated in results. This is 
the sad state in which many women find them- 
selves when they are approaching the years 
of neutral tint. They neglected to light the 
torch of personality and achievement in girl- 
hood, with the result that middle-age finds 
them groping around for interests which 
they can never truly make their own. 

Although nature endows every girl dif- 
ferently, and many girls have no particular 
grace of character or strength of personal* 
ity, it is nevertheless possible for the least 
endowed to make a distinct place of influ- 
ence and importance for herself. But she 
must not drift. Eighteen is none too young 
for a girl to look ahead, plan her life, take 
up some definite work, that her energy, 
power and usefulness may increase. 

^ But," you say, particularly if your par- 
[251] 



MOTHER AND DAUGHTER 

ents are wealthy, " at eighteen there is so 
much to do. It is the time of festival and 
fete and merrymaking. I cannot stop to 
think of the future now." There will be 
some time in the busy life of the most 
worldly girl to develop her mind, her tal- 
ents, her powers of concentration, her knowl- 
edge of affairs. She will have double need 
of these qualities if she is to be a single 
woman of means. Wealth brings, together 
with its advantages, many responsibilities, 
and a girl who has, or who knows that she 
is to have money, should be the last per- 
son to drift in girlhood. How important it 
will be, when she has only her own intel- 
ligence to rely upon, to have her mental eye 
trained to quick vision, her tongue to rea-. 
sonable and convincing speech, her heart to 
know good from evil. It is hard to imagine 
a greater power for good in the world, than 
a single woman of wealth who has devel- 
oped all her gifts and learned by a life of 
experience and interesting adventure to help 
others. No matter how rich a girl's par- 
[ 252 ] 



TH1 UNMARRIED WOMAN 

ents may be, she should study hard to adorn 
her personality with ornaments that money 
cannot buy. Every woman while develop- 
ing her talents, should learn, at the same 
time, how to sew, how to order a household, 
and how to do with her own hands the dif- 
ferent branches of work she ordinarily details 
to others. A rich girl without talents or cul- 
tivation who is unable to manage her affairs, 
business and domestic, is a sorry object. The 
world expects more of the girl who possesses 
the advantages given by money and is harder 
in its verdict where she has failed to live 
up to her possibilities. 

The poor girl, whose parents can afford 
her no advantages, should face life at 
eighteen with determination not to lose one 
moment in idle pleasure-seeking. She should 
fit herself to work according to her gifts 
at some clean and profitable business. By 
reading between times, improving her mind 
a little every day, and choosing her friends 
carefully, this girl, if it is her destiny to 
remain unmarried, can soon find a place of 
[253] 



MOTHER AND DAUGHTER 

importance and influence in the world. Inde- 
pendent, courageous, honorable, she becomes 
an example to younger girls who go to her 
for advice and try to imitate her success. 

There is a type of girl, springing from 
a cultivated family, where the parents have 
little or no money to spend upon her, who 
finds it almost impossible at eighteen to plan 
her life with any satisfaction. Such a girl 
has received the best education, possibly fin- 
ished by a college course. She is gently 
nurtured, but has no money at her com- 
mand. What can she do but drift? She 
is expected to help in a hundred little house- 
hold duties every day. If she shows a desire 
to go out into the world and employ her 
gifts, her parents, horrified, use all their 
efforts to restrain her. If she breaks away 
and determinedly goes out to seek her for- 
tune, she is bitterly condemned. Such a life 
of ease, comfort and household tasks may 
fit her admirably for marriage, but it gives 
her little with which to support and over- 
come the trial of spinsterhood. To be 
[254] 



THE UNMARRIED WOMAN 

happy she must spend her energies and use 
her gifts in her own way. She cannot be 
exp cted to rest contented with a life-time 
spent in doing the housekeeping " as mother 
wishes it done," or in running the home after 
the dictates of a father's elderly mind. 

A girl who finds herself in such a posi- 
tion must firmly demand of her family (for 
whom she is doing so much) a little time 
each day in which to lead her own life un- 
disturbed by the criticisms or suggestions of 
others. She is burning to find her own 
sphere of usefulness, and she must be allowed 
to seek it in peace, if she is to know happi- 
ness. She craves an opportunity to develop 
her powers outside the home where her moth- 
er's personality rightly predominates. If 
she is to expand and discover her natural 
gifts she must have an independent field 
of action, a place in which to work out her 
instinct for personal achievement, and gain 
by such effort the reward her nature craves. 

This reward may be earned by a girl, 
still under her father's roof and fulfilling 
[255] 



MOTHER AND DAUGHTER 

her duty to her parents, by taking up some 
work on her own responsibility and by us- 
ing all her spare moments to its furtherance. 
A talent may be cultivated, a municipal or 
civic problem studied, a charitable work un- 
dertaken. By using her natural forces in 
this way she is preparing herself to meet 
the possible contingencies of the future, and 
fitting herself, should occasion offer, to leave 
the home and step into the full play of life 
with energies well under control and a mind 
active and eager for the fray. 

If you are a girl of twenty, do something 
definite with the priceless years that are di- 
rectly ahead of you. Take up some line of 
endeavor even if your life is passing hap- 
pily by. You never can tell when the home 
which now supplies you with a placid back- 
ground may be broken up, and each sur- 
viving member reduced to his or her own 
resources, spiritual as well as material. 

There is a truth which life abundantly 
proves to all who care to look for it — woman 
cannot escape from duty, however she may 
[256] 



THE UNMARRIED WOMAN 

hope to do so. If she does not go to meet 
it, sooner or later it will search her out. If 
she is not called upon to expend herself on 
her own children and in her own home there 
is a larger home, the world, and many chil- 
dren, the ever present poor, waiting to be 
led by her hand to a better state. She 
cannot tear from her heart her desire to 
love and her ability to care for the lives and 
happiness of others. Not to use these gifts 
is to sin against her womanhood, and to re- 
fuse to take up the duties for which she has 
been peculiarly fitted by nature is to thwart 
and contract her development along its most 
puissant lines. Therefore, the energies of 
woman cry out for use, development, in- 
crease ! To be happy she must accept some 
duty or line of effort and throw herself into 
the fulfillment of it with all the strength of 
her being. If she is deaf to the cry of her 
nature which demands self-expression at any 
cost and fills her life w r ith pleasures that 
bring her no lasting return, she will grad- 
ually become that colorless person of small 
1[| 257] 



MOTHER AND DAUGHTER 

mind and limited capacity, the spinster of 
the novelists of old. There is no excuse 
nowadays for such a woman's existence. The 
world has no place for her. Our social 
scheme which provides usefulness at any 
cost, offers her the alternative of working 
up to its standards or passing out of our 
range of vision. I am thankful to say that 
she decides to stay, as a usual thing, and 
is not long in finding work which only she 
can do, and in doing it well. 

The unmarried woman of to-day occupies 
herself in filling a definite place in society. 
She does as effective work as her married 
sisters, and though detached and not a 
mother, has ample opportunity to display 
her gifts. She is important to the world, 
and the world acknowledges it by giving her 
many of its choicest positions of eminence 
and distinction. 

Therefore, in youth, when all is still be- 
fore you, while you are still hoping that it 
may be your destiny to love a good man 
and be the mother of children, do not for- 
[258] 



THE UNMARRIED WOMAN 

get, that you may instead be one of those 
women whom fate marks out to walk alone. 
Have this thought in mind while preparing 
for the future, and live so that at forty you 
will find yourself well-balanced, well-devel- 
oped, sane, practical, helpful, leading a use- 
ful life and following a career of successful 
effort along whatever road circumstance and 
personal gifts have led you. 

Such a woman has an unbounded oppor- 
tunity to influence the world. She has a 
place of importance in the scheme of living 
as we find it to-day, and she has no excuse 
to be ignorant, dull, or uninteresting be- 
cause she is a spinster, God-bless-her ! 



f[££0] 



xvm 

THE CHARACTERISTICS MAN AD- 
MIRES AND WISHES TO 
FIND IN WOMAN 



"A good wife is Heaven's last best gift to man — 
his angel and minister of graces innumerable — his 
gem of many virtues — his casket of jewels; — her voice 
is sweet music — her smiles his brightest day — her kiss 
the guardian of his innocence — her arms the pale of 
his safety, the balm of his health, the balsam of his 
life — her industry, his surest wealth— her economy, 
his safest steward — her lips, his faithful counsellors 
— her bosom, the softest pillow of his cares — and her 
prayers , the ablest advocates of Heaven's blessings 
on his head" 

— Jeremy Taylob. 




XVIII 

THE CHARACTERISTICS MAN ADMIRES AND 
WISHES TO FIND IN WOMAN 

OES a man who loves know 
I why he loves ? " What we 
love is not in your will but 
i above it" says Emerson. 
I " It is the radiance of you 
and not you. It is that which you know 
not in yourself and never can know." 

This mysterious force, this " radiance of 
you " is that which first stirs a man to love. 
Though of itself so evident, so very real, it 
is the most difficult of all qualities to ana- 
lyse. Yet it is the foundation and inspira- 
tion of all great loves. The perfect love 
which every woman longs to inspire which 
in reality we see so seldom, is a combination 
[263] 



MOTHER AND DAUGHTER 

of this " radiance," (which we may call the 
wine of life), and true worth, which is its 
daily bread. There are certain qualities of 
personal worth which woman must possess 
if she is to keep and increase the love offered 
her by man, for, however blind a good man 
may be in his devotion, to give his best he 
must feel with unerring confidence that the 
" radiance " he worships is pure light. 
What are these qualities? 

She must be able to win from him respect, 
interest and enthusiasm for her personality. 
To do this he must find her carrying on some 
definite work in life with sincerity and pur- 
pose. Man is himself sincere and purpose- 
ful, and he responds at once to the same 
traits in woman. He resents aimlessness in 
her. Not that he wants her to work, but he 
wants her to be able to work, even if her ef- 
fort is expressed in no other way than by the 
development and expansion of her individual 
gifts. He must feel at his side the silent 
stirrings of her spiritual and material self 
toward ends which were foreseen before his 
[264] 



CHARACTERISTICS MAN ADMIRES 

coming. He must feel that she has an inner 
richness of nature, which, though he discov- 
ered it, and may add to it, was hers before 
his advent. I think this ability to win inter- 
est and respect for her personality is the 
characteristic by which a woman most surely 
holds her lover. He admires effort in her, 
and responds instantly to her desire to act 
and serve. In a word, she must be purpose- 
ful — what else? 

Man has been much maligned, but I be- 
lieve that he loves a true woman as deeply 
as he ever did, and wants to find truth in his 
wife as ardently and simply as his fathers 
did before him. If he resents aimlessness in 
woman, he despises insincerity. Upon neither 
of these qualities will it be possible to graft 
a perfect love. Ask a young man who is mo- 
nopolizing the time of an indifferent kind of 
girl at a summer resort, " Would you like to 
marry her ? " and see the fire leap in his eye. 
Of course not! He is shielding a very dif- 
ferent ideal in his heart. He longs to sanc- 
tify his strength to the single love of a good 
[265] 



MOTHER AND DAUGHTER 

woman. Only give him fair play and he will 
abundantly crown her with the glory of his 
strength. She must be sincere or his alle- 
giance will of necessity be faulty and incom- 
plete. 

Man also demands of woman that she 
make real for him the home of his dreams. 
The ability to create a home is the sacred vo- 
cation of woman, and the quality and atmos- 
phere of home comes into being in just pro- 
portion to the amount of character and cul- 
tivation she possesses within herself. A wise 
man knows this and trembles as he looks into 
the eyes of his future wife. His spirit seeks 
hers with the mute question which he is him- 
self half afraid to utter, " Of what will you 
make my home ? " 

To the woman who understands her power 
in this direction and uses it to make real for 
her husband the home of his desire, come the 
sweetest rewards of life. The true home is 
in no way dependent upon riches, but is the 
fruit of the mind, spirit, and intellect of 
woman. M A tent, even a lean-to of boughs, 
[266] 



CHARACTERISTICS MAN ADMIRES 

is enough; and the single piece of unrelated 
furniture may be too much," or, as Ruskin 
so beautifully suggests, in speaking of the 
spirit of home, "Wherever a true wife comes 
this home is always around her. The stars 
only may be over her head, the glow-worm 
in the night cold grass may be the only fire 
at her foot, but home is yet wherever she is ; 
and for a noble woman it stretches far 
around her, better than ceiled with cedar or 
painted with vermilion, shedding its quiet 
light for those who else were homeless." 

Man wants a purposeful woman, a sincere 
woman, a woman who can create from the 
fruits of his toil, a home. She must also 
possess the quality of companionship. In 
this need for a companion is summed up all 
the minor wants of his nature. Will a man 
ever leave a woman who has learned how to 
be his companion and how to make his home 
happy? These are the two great essentials 
for the wife to possess. Companionship, in 
which is hidden the radiant figure of per- 
fected love; and home-making, a field in 
[267] 



MOTHER AND DAUGHTER 

which He abundant opportunities for the 
practice of all her gifts. 

A young man once said impatiently, "I 
am tired of ' mine 3 and ' thine ' — I want 
somebody to be on my side of the fence." 
No two persons can really be " on the same 
side of the fence " except they are husband 
and wife, truly mated. The merging of 
mine into thine is one of the eternal myste- 
ries of a happy married life. The slow knit- 
ting of two personalities, the intertwining of 
interests, the gradual assimilation by both of 
each other's thoughts and characteristics, 
is a process fresh in wonderment to every 
man and woman who witness or experience 
it. It is that, the satisfying nourishing com- 
panionship of one nature by the other that 
man longs for and hopes he may obtain 
through marriage. 

Man is only a grown up boy after all, and 
he has strong within him the boy's single- 
ness of purpose, love of home, and content- 
ment at his own fireside. He is easy to 
please if he is given the realities of life. He 
[268] 



CHARACTERISTICS MAN ADMIRES 

is irritated by falseness, ashamed of preten- 
tiousness, disheartened by display, weak- 
ened if he is denied the support and comfort 
of a home. He asks fair play, physical com- 
fort, companionship, rest. In return he gives 
unreservedly of his very best, and all that he 
has of the profit of his toil. Thwart him by 
handing him a stone when he asks for bread, 
and the result is division of interest, a self- 
centered life, a gradual disintegration of the 
home, and eventually the permanent separa- 
tion of husband and wife. 

To sum up these thoughts, let me repeat 
that man loves two things in woman — the 
mysterious " radiance of herself " spoken of 
by Emerson, in conjunction with certain 
qualities of worth which I have called pur- 
posefulness, sincerity, the ability to create a 
home, and companionship. I cannot help 
feeling that in many cases of separation or 
unhappiness between man and wife the evil 
has its roots in, or is nurtured by, the failure 
of woman to do her part toward answering 
the just demands made upon her nature by 
[269] 



MOTHER AND DAUGHTER 

her husband's. I do not for a moment wish 
to take away from men their share of cen- 
sure where marriage has turned out to be a 
failure. On the surface of things men are as 
much to blame, and more, than women. I 
only wish to suggest (and it is my firm be- 
lief), that man is easy to hold, easy to influ- 
ence, and most abundant in his gifts of love 
and allegiance, where the wife realizes the 
few essential and well indicated needs of his 
being, and sets herself intelligently to sat- 
isfy them. I cannot conceive of a man's de- 
serting or being untrue to a woman who had 
made him a happy, comfortable home and 
who had learned to share his interests in true 
companionship. I have not yet seen such a 
case, nor do I remember ever having heard 
of one. Too many wives consider that the 
sum of their obligation to man is to provide 
a good table and a dustless house. Yet this 
is probably their least important line of 
effort. Comradeship is the very soul and 
essence of married life; where it dwells 
there is courage also, a moral courage 
[270] 



CHARACTERISTICS MAN ADMIRES 

which overcomes obstacles and forgives 
faults. 

I think it is good for us all to see, once in 
a while, practical evidences of the existence 
of perfect love. I have spoken of perfect love 
as a possible result of married life. Too 
many of us are led to believe that the ardor 
of romantic love does not survive the trials 
of matrimony. The following letters, one 
from a distinguished American jurist s , and 
the other from the wife of an English sur- 
geon who rose to fame from extreme pov- 
erty and privation (both written after fort}' 
years of married life), should prove better 
than any words or arguments, the vigor, 
endurance, and beauty of love : 

« Dear Wife, 
Darling Wife, 

Blessed, beautiful, and 
Beloved Wife: — 
I have received your letter by way of New 
York, and a most precious and welcome let- 
ter it was. I had become gloomy and moody 
[271] 



MOTHER AND DAUGHTER 

and the prey of ' thick coming fancies/ and 
I was busied thinking how unimportant I 
was to anybody on earth, in fine, all the 
gloomy thoughts and disagreeable recollec- 
tions of late days were gathering around me 
in my state of solitude and single blessed- 
ness. Then comes a kind word from you and 
breaks through the clouds like a bright sun, 
and makes me blithe and cheerful as a bird. 
Ah, Mary, Mary, your hold upon my heart 
is deep and strong, and your power over my 
feelings terribly great! It is inconceivable 
how I cling to your love as the anchor of my 
peace — how I dwell upon your form as the 
personification of loveliness and the shrine 
of joy. This may all appear to you utter 
nonsense, misplaced, out of date, unsuited to 
my age. I sometimes think myself it is so. 
Nevertheless I feel it all, and though I strug- 
gle against it to try to cast it off, and some- 
times succeed for a time, back it comes and 
masters me in spite of myself. The truth is 
I love you as warmly, as wildly, as foolishly, 
as men love at five and twenty, and infinitely <> 
[272] 



CHARACTERISTICS MAN ADMIRES 

infinitely, more than I loved you at twenty- 
five ! What a tissue of folly I have woven — 
never mind, it is a principle with me not to 
erase or alter what I write to you, and then 
you get my heart laid bare for your inspec- 
tion. I defy you to find anything there but 
Mary, Mary, Mary ! " 



" Forty- four years since we were engaged ! 
and forty-four years it seems, I must own, 
with its crowns of untold blessings, the times 
of sore trial, the poverty, the riches (com- 
paratively), the times of weariness, the ela- 
tion of feeling rested, the onward progress 
of our most dear children, the many loved 
ones gone, the far greater number spared to 
our exceeding joy, the many changes that 
have marked our lives. And what a strange 
thing, in this imperfect state of being, to be 
able to speak of one's having more gentle 
love, more confidence, more sweet depend- 
ence on one another than ever! The long 
years have not worn all these great sources 
of joy out, but the stream of even, mutual 
[273] 



MOTHER AND DAUGHTER 

love seems uninterrupted. May God grant 
us peace to the end, and then order all things 
mercifully for us that our end may be ac- 
cording to His will, c free from sin and 
shame, and, if it be His pleasure, free from 
pain.' " 



[274] 



XIX 
THE DAWN OF WOMANHOOD 



"If you have built castles in the air, your work 
need not be lost; that is where they should be. 
Now put the foundations under them." 

— Thoreau. 

"A wasteful woman! — she who may 
On her sweet self set her own 'price, 
Knowing he cannot choose but pay, 
How has she cheapened Paradise! 
How given for naught her priceless gifts, 
How spoiled the bread and spilled the wine, 
Which spent with due respective thrift, 
Had made brutes men, and men divine!" 

— Coventry Patmore. 

" That they might be called trees of righteousness, 
the planting of the Lord, that he might be glori- 
fied." —Is. 61, v. 3. 



XIX 



THE DAWN OF WOMANHOOD 




I AM old-fashioned enough to 
believe that women still want 
love more than they want 
anything else in the world, 
and I believe that the sin- 
cere woman, who is denied it, admits her 
work to be a substitute. If she teaches 
school instead of rocking a cradle, or is in 
a business house instead of making a home 
for a good man, it is because love has not 
come her way, and not because she has not 
wanted it. 

At the dawn of womanhood, the thought 
still uppermost in the mind of every healthy 
girl (just as it used to be in days of ro- 
mance and chivalry), is the thought of 
marriage, and the hope that animates all 
her pretty ways and innocent little devices 
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MOTHER AND DAUGHTER 

to attract, is the hope that some day — per- 
haps some day very soon — she will meet the 
man who is to be her husband. And this is 
not a hope to hide or suppress. It is the 
most beautiful hope in life, reasonable, right, 
and open to no possible ridicule or dispute. 
Let us look at the subject rationally. 

We admit that at the dawn of her being 
woman feels strongest among her new in- 
stincts the hope that she may be needed to 
complete the happiness of a good man. To 
be necessary to someone is the one deep es- 
sential need of her nature. Gratify this and 
she will develop happily in a very stony soil, 
for her satisfaction is a secret dew which 
enables her to bloom. Admitting and realiz- 
ing this, is it not strange that girls give so 
little thought to the way in which they shall 
prepare themselves for marriage? Girls go 
to college for years before they consider 
themselves fit to teach ; they study for years 
to prepare themselves to hold valuable posi- 
tions in the business world; but they marry 
without a serious thought or ever once ask- 
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THE DAWN OF WOMANHOOD 

ing themselves the question, " Am I fit to be 
a wife?" "If I should be a mother, will I 
prove equal to the responsibility? " 

Perhaps you think that looking at the 
matter thus practically spoils the romance, 
and that woman is born to wifehood and 
understands by instinct just how to over- 
come the difficulties she will meet. Unfor- 
tunately this is not the case. The divorces, 
scandals and crimes of every day proclaim 
in as many ways the failure and shame of 
woman. "Unprepared" probably in one 
word sums up the reason for this failure. 
To look toward marriage does not spoil its 
romance. Romance must be reared upon a 
solid foundation. It is safe to say that the 
w r ives who receive a romantic love are prac- 
tical as well as ideal, and have given in re- 
turn something very real and definite to 
man. " You cannot think that the buckling 
on of the knight's armor by his lady's hand 
was a mere caprice of romantic fashion. It 
is the type of an eternal truth: that the 
Soul's armor is never well set to the heart 
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MOTHER AND DAUGHTER 

unless a woman's hand has braced it; and 
it is only when she braces it loosely that the 
honor of manhood fails. 55 

To be a successful wife a woman must 
first of all be something herself. Many 
marriages fail because after the dazzle and 
glamour of youth is over the woman has 
nothing real within herself to assert its 
power and attach the reason of her husband 
and children. To be something as a wife, one 
must have first been something as a girl. 
To brace the armor loosely is what a woman 
does who marries at the end of a silly girl- 
hood, expecting from marriage only broader 
liberties and greater fun. It is the girls 
who marry " for the sake of being married " 
after a lawless, pointless youth, who lay up 
for themselves heartaches, disappointments 
and often sins. 

Realize that it is the woman's hand that 
braces the armor, and say to yourself while 
you are young, that you will live, so that 
when the day comes for you to set a man'* 
ideals you will not fail him, and that the 
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THE DAWN OF WOMANHOOD 

honor of his manhood shall never be dimmed 
through any ignorance or fault of yours. 

Let us look at a few of the practical ways 
in which a girl can prepare herself for wife- 
hood. Spiritually. A wife and mother 
should know very definitely what she be- 
lieves, and why; that she may influence her 
husband and teach her children. In girl- 
hood, therefore, would it not be wise for her 
to examine the details of her faith, and per- 
fect herself in its practices? A really spir- 
itual woman has enormous fields of influ- 
ence. To be interested in some charitable 
work is a great help in the devlopment of 
the sympathies, and leads to a balance of 
ideas and to the better understanding of 
life. A spiritual woman with true charity 
in her heart embodies a rare and enviable 
ideal. We can try to be such a one even 
if we do not in all things succeed. Mentally. 
Ruskin says : " A woman in any rank of 
life ought to know whatever her husband is 
likely to know, but to know it in a different 
way." By this, he means that her education 
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MOTHER AND DAUGHTER 

should be broad, her reading wide, and her 
mind intelligently stimulated to take active 
interest in all the problems of the day. To 
these problems and to her reading she 
brings the light of her woman's understand- 
ing. In this way she knows the same things 
that her husband knows, but in a different 
way — (opening the road to discussion and 
making the point of view of each interesting 
to the other. If one is to become this type 
of woman, there must be no shallow reading 
in girlhood, for such reading destroys liter- 
ary taste and makes it impossible in after 
years to enjoy noble books. Morally. 
Morally a girl can prepare for wifehood by 
being very careful of the friendships she 
forms in youth. She should guard each 
word and each action that she may have a 
perfect gift to offer when the time comes. 
She can set her ideals of friendship and of 
love high. They cannot be set too high. By 
thinking of her ideals she will gradually and 
unconsciously assimilate a little of their 
glory and thus be better prepared actually 
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THE DAWN OF WOMANHOOD 

to live up to them when the time comes. It 
is hard to say exactly how the moral nature 
can be trained ; it is a composite of so many 
different attributes. How we live, what we 
think, what we read, what we do, what We 
say, all these, taken as a whole, form our 
moral nature. Therefore, only by being 
perfect in little things can we hope to reg- 
ulate it. Physically. A girl can and 
should think seriously of her body in rela- 
tion to marriage, for upon its strength and 
well-being depend so much of her power. It 
should be cultivated, beautified, saved, 
strengthened and never ill-treated, to the 
end that if God gives her children they may 
be strong. It is probably along physical 
lines that a girl is able to do most in pre- 
paring herself for marriage, and yet it is 
too often the avenue of her greatest abuses. 
To be strong, to have the point of view of 
health, is often more than half the battle 
toward happiness as a wife. Practically. 
The practical ways are many in which a girl 
can fit herself to be capable in her own 
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MOTHER AND DAUGHTER 

home. She must learn to keep accounts, to 
sew, to cook, to order, to choose, to buy 
economically, to run all the different depart- 
ments of the home. Without a knowledge 
of these things unhappy indeed will be the 
life of the unfortunate couple, until the lit- 
tle bride can pull herself together and re- 
construct her ideals. " Oh, yes," a young 
dressmaker once said, "I intend to buy 
everything ready cooked. We can live on 
canned things and bread and coffee and dine 
out on Sundays — lots of young people do." 
What a horrible picture! — to the experi- 
enced in life's tragedies, what a future of 
bitterness and suffering is being stored up 
by the happy ignorance of this incapable 
little wife ! To expect to build a home upon 
a foundation of canned foods with an occa- 
sional meal at a restaurant shows how low 
are the ideals of many working girls. \ 

All young girls should make a study of 
the practical running of the home. They 
may never need to cook, but they should 
know how to cook, in order to direct intel- 
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THE DAWN OF WOMANHOOD 

ligently. Wholesome food must be the basis 
of the home if health is to be preserved. 
With health many of the most annoying 
problems disappear. Health is closely allied 
to good humor, and both are dependent 
largely upon the quality of the food we eat. 
Therefore learn how to buy and how to 
nourish the family upon proper foods. This 
information is essential to the wife if she is 
to« lighten her burdens 'ana surmount her 
difficulties. * 

But, you say," is* it' right to think so much 
of the future, is it advisable to do all these 
things, with the thought of marriage upper- 
most in our mind, and yet perhaps never be 
called upon to marry after all? Suppose 
after years of such preparation we are not 
chosen to make the home toward which all 
these efforts have been bent, — what then? 
Let me answer! in the beautiful words of 
Maeterlinck: " I declare that the joy of a 
perfect abiding love is the greatest this 
world contains ; and yet, if you find not this 
love, naught will be lost of all you have 
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MOTHER AND DAUGHTER 

done to deserve it, for this will go to deepen 
the peace of your heart and render still 
braver and purer the calm of the rest of 
your days." 

Our ideal will never be met with in this 
world unless we have first, in some degree, 
moulded ourselves according to that which 
we wish to find in others. " If it be your 
hope to meet with the ideal soul, would it 
not be well that you yourself should endeavor 
to draw nigh to your own ideal? " If we 
exact faith we must give it. If we demand 
unreserved love we must first offer it. Be- 
fore we ask sacrifices we must make them. 
To gain reverent devotion we must be 
worthy. If women would think more of 
what they give in the different situations of 
life, and less of what they get, there would 
be many more of love's priceless immortal 
blooms, and fewer of its thorns. A woman 
invariably asks a big love from a man. How 
often does she give it? 

Maeterlinck has a very interesting idea in 
[286] 



THE DAWN OF WOMANHOOD 

regard to love. He says : " In the creature 
that you love is all that is eternally true in 
yourself, and solidly righteous and essen- 
tially beautiful. Only the good in our heart 
can advise us of the goodness that hides by 
our side. The evil that lies in ourselves is 
ever least tolerant of the evil that dwells in 
others. 5 ' He leads us on through the intri- 
cacies of his beautiful words to the supreme 
thought, which is that our success in love, 
and the quality and value of our love, is 
entirely dependent upon what we possess of 
goodness and worth within our own natures 
■ — not at all dependent upon the qualities of 
the person upon whom we spend our love. 

" However imperfect you be, you still may 
suffice for the love of a marvellous being. 
But for your love, if you are not perfect, 
that being will never suffice. 95 Therefore, no 
matter how perfect the person may be whom 
we are to love, unless we have first lifted our- 
selves to a certain plane of inner perfection 
that person will be unable to satisfy us. It 
is from within that the glory and light of 
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MOTHER AND DAUGHTER 

love flows. To love well in the future, it is 
necessary first to live well in the present. 
The situation cannot be reversed. 

The characteristics that count in a wife 
are all dormant in the girl. Many of them 
indeed are well developed by the time she is 
called to marriage. A strong body, (you 
see I always put it first!) a tolerant mind, 
kindness, a sweet disposition, a rich nature, 
cultivation, self-control, spirituality — these 
are among the noble characteristics that 
girls should try to develop in themselves that 
they may in the end be better wives and 
mothers. There are no accomplishments on 
the list, nor is it necessary to be clever or 
brilliant or rich. But without the presence 
of all the virtues just named, developing in 
a healthy condition at the time of marriage, 
there is a likelihood of disappointments and 
disillusions, for the nature of the girl will 
not be prepared to give a noble love and will 
find her own faults exaggerated before her 
eyes in the person of her husband. Cross- 
ness, nervousness, a sharp tongue, ignorance, 
[28S] 



THE DAWN OF WOMANHOOD 

worldliness, a delicate constitution, selfish- 
ness, all these traits if not uprooted and 
supplanted in girlhood will make for the 
failure of the home and the separation of 
husband and wife. Even should the separa- 
tion not be a legal one, it will assuredly 
take place in all the sacred inner ways 
which constitute the meaning, reason, and 
glory of love. 

" Queens you must always be — queens to 
your lovers ; queens to your husbands and 
your sons; queens of higher mystery to the 
world beyond, which bows itself, and will 
forever bow, before the myrtle crown and the 
stainless sceptre of womanhood. But alas! 
you are too often idle and careless queens, 
grasping at majesty in the least things, 
while you abdicate it in the greatest; and 
leaving misrule and violence to work their 
will among men, in defiance of the power 
which, holding straight in gift from the 
Prince of all Peace, the wicked among you 
betray, and the good forget." 

[289J 



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